International Happiness Day

Posted on 21/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Happy Happiness Day To You All and apologies for missing it yesterday (and today). To be honest I’ve had a crap weekend so it past me by, but to make up for it I’ve hired Cornflakes The Clown to parade up and down the high street tomorrow for an hour at lunch time to put a smile on everyone’s faces. It’s lucky Cornflakes was available at short notice and allowed out of prison on day release (he’s also the only local clown I could afford to book due to council budget cuts). His parole officer says he’s not really supposed to be allowed near members of the general public unsupervised but i’ve said i’ll try to pop along to make sure he’s not up to his old tricks. Here’s hoping! Mayor G. Grimsby

(Above) Cornflakes The Clown practicing his “happiness” face earlier today

Sport Relief… Not On The Sports Field

Posted on 18/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to let you know that due to exploratory fracking on the sports field today’s Sport Relief events will now be taking place in the children’s section of the library. None of the sports such as high jump, hurdles, 1 mile run, tug of war etc, will be adversely effected although we would ask everyone to remove outdoor shoes at the library entrance and participate wearing slippers or ballet shoes, as we’ve just had all the shag-pile carpets shampooed. See you later. Mayor Gary Grimsby

Goat Rolling… Still Banned

Posted on 18/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to let you know that due to the ongoing judicial review Beckworth’s Springtime tradition of Goat Rolling has been cancelled again this year. We’ve now been banned by all the courts in the land and Parliament, but our final roll of the dice is by taking the case to The Court Of Human Rights. Fingers crossed they see sense and side with us so we can get back to our goats. The tradition of throwing the goat as far as is humanly possible and then rolling them down the rest of the rocky hill was due to take place as usual on Fool’s Hill on the third Saturday in March (this coming Sunday). This is only the second time in 564 years that the event hasn’t taken place. Even practicing has been temporarily outlawed, with local police issuing a warning that anyone found in possession of or just talking to a goat during March will be arrested and have their four-legged friend put down. On a slightly happier note, a compromise by the court of appeal has allowed the town to right to try Horse Rolling instead… It’s a bit more dangerous due to the animals size and weight but worth a try. So let’s give it a go… Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Mayor Gary Grimsby

(Above) A local horse practices some rolls in preparation for this Sunday

St Patricks Day Parade

Posted on 17/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a reminder that today at 2.15pm the town’s traditional St Patrick’s Day Parade will be setting off from the town hall. We are hoping that about six floats and our very own “Irish” marching band will be taking part so there will be plenty for the whole family to see. Due to some urgent demolition work being done on the public toilets the parade will take a slight detour through the Sainsco supermarket and church yard before ending up at the playing fields where this year’s Shamrock Queen will be crowned. The parade will then return along the same circuitous route ending up at The Blind Badger pub car park where traditional ”Irish” refreshments and entertainment are being laid on. It’s bound to be a grand craic and celebrations in the pub will probably last most of the week as they’ve got an extension on their licence. So have a grand St Paddy’s day and “have an extra drink or three to toast the leprochauns” as they say in the shamrock isle. Gary “Bono” Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

(Above) A beautiful St Patrick’s Day Parade float in rehearsals earlier today

Postponed Market On This Sunday

Posted on 11/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. This is a reminder that last week’s postponed Beckworth annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market has been hastily rescheduled for this Sunday. The free event is taking place in the town hall after a mysterious fire destroyed the heavily insured badly-in-need-of-renovation ancient market hall last Saturday. The market will be opened at 10am by Countryfile‘s Anita Rani and a Z-List celebrity hanger-on Ms Anita met when she won Strictly Come Dancing (It’s someone called Jay who i’ve never heard of but he’s allegedly great with animals. Especially dead ones). It’s bound to be a fascinating day out for the whole family, young, old, blind and infirm, with stalls selling everything from sheepskin underwear, leather chaps to unpasteurized milk and powdered rhino horn. The abattoir will be putting on it’s ever popular “electro” display, Mrs Rani will be giving demonstrations of how easy animal annihilation is and get this…. For just £62 you can even buy your Mum the chance to have a go herself. What better way is there to belatedly say “happy mother’s day Mum” than by letting her get up close to a healthy heffer and humanely “sending it to meet it’s maker”. See you there, and remember to wear old clothes and wellies as there will be animal s**t, blood, knackers and guts everywhere. Cheers, Gary Grimsby. Mayor.

(Above, centre) Mrs Rani psychs herself up with a quick boogie in readiness for killing some defenceless cattle on Sunday

Celebrate Leap Day The Traditional Way

Posted on 29/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello and happy leap day. Please join us, your local councillors, council employees, pensioners and school children, in spending the day playing leap frog on the sports field and then through the town after lunch in the drive-thru McDonalds. This very fine Beckworth tradition started just two leap years ago but was based on a probably true story that this is what Beckworth peasants did on leap days in the middle ages. It has been a great success and even made the national TV news in 2012 (it was a quiet day for news stories). Let’s see if we can get on News At Ten again this year. See you later, Mayor G. Grimsby

Shrove Tuesday Traditions To Make A Welcome Return

Posted on 08/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello and an early happy Easter. Tomorrow is pancake day, or to give it it’s old school name, Shrove Tuesday. And I am please to announce that the council is reintroducing many ancient traditions that health and safety saw fit to ban over previous decades. First up, the traditional Shrove Tuesday mob football match of Beckworth residents against the citizens of Slocombe through the streets of our towns and in and out of all the ale houses will be reintroduced with kick off at 11am outside the scout hut. Next up will be the return of pancake rolling race down Bottomsup Hill, starting at 2, and the day will climax at 6 with the “Crepe Crowning” of Beckworth’s King of Eggs, Queen of Plain Flour, Princess Of A Pinch Of Salt, and Prince Of Milk and Vegetable Oil. This will happen on the lawn outside the Blind Badger followed by an evening of drinking games and dancing. For the kids there will be the traditional blindfolded pin-the-tail-on-the-pancake taking place all day on the banks of the River Winnet. See you tomorrow, Mayor G. Grimsby

(Above) An artists impression of how mob football looked a few years ago before namby-pamby health & safety sods banned it. I’m glad to see it’s coming back!

Space Station Overhead Today

Posted on 02/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking space-age news just in… Our very own locally trained astronaut Tim Peake will be going over the night skies of Beckworth later today so keep a look out in case he waves. Tim, the first Englishman in space, is relaxing on an extended holiday outside the Earth’s atmosphere on an old self-catering Russian space station. He told his Mum in a text-message that he hopes to back home in time for Easter; as he loves chocolate eggs but forgot to pack any. And he’s already run out of fags. I’ll keep you up to date on this “weightless” story as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief “You Wouldn’t Catch Me Up In Space” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) UK astronaut Tim Peake chillaxes on the space station by playing the recorder

Happy New From The Council

Posted on 04/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Happy New Year To You All. Well it’s back to work with a bump for me as we’ve had almost all of our computers stolen. In fact the only one left in the town hall is the one i’m currently using, which is an old pc we keep for emergencies. We eventually found it stashed behind the cisterns in the ladie’s loo, hence my delay in posting this message. But at least we were insured so should have brand new computers, macs hopefully, very soon. On a lighter note I trust everyone enjoyed new years eves’ council funded entertainment at the edge of the flooded sports field. The traditional burning of Old Man Beckworth to say goodbye to the old year went off without too much drama, it took a lot of petrol to ignite, but no one ended up in A&E which is a relief. This years’ effigy was made from old cereal packets and egg boxes by local handyman Duncan Bannatyne and is said to be based on a cross-dresser he met in a jungle!!! His close friend Tony Hadley made a very realistic Lego Baby Beckworth effigy that was paraded through the streets in the early hours to welcome in 2016. So thanks to both of them. My personal highlight was tucking into a kebab as the New Year fireworks went off whilst the local Scout’s brass-band covered the hits of The Arctic Monkeys and Status Quo. All the best for a healthy and prosperous 2016. Mayor G. Grimsby

(Above) The very realistic “Baby Beckworth” effigy made by the talented Tony Hadley

Apologies For Late Cancellation Of Swim

Posted on 26/12/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello and a belated happy Christmas. I just wanted to apologise for the last minute cancellation of today’ traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. Recent storms have left the River Winnet close to flooding and so a swim in the currents wasn’t advisable. The public have also been warned those living close to the river to take move to the upstairs floors in their homes as more rain is predicted. Race organiser (and MP) Hilary Benn says she hopes to reschedule the race as soon as the high waters subside. All the best, Mayor G. Grimsby

(Above) Hilary Benn puts on a brave face after today’s annual swim is cancelled

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Town Council