Small screen news just in… The fourth series of the children’s docudrama Warren In My Sporran starts this evening at 6.00 on CBBC and then the “uncut” version is repeated at 11pm on Dave. The BAFTA award winning series is produced by local TV company Livingstone Productions for BBC Scotland and reprises Daniel Day Lewis role as Warren, a deminutive adult vagrant who lives on benefits in the sporran of young scotch boy Angus MacDonald. Originally Angus was played by the late Ronnie Corbett then by Rupert Grint of Harry Potter fame and for this series by the BBC’s go to actor David Mitchell. Once again the series follows Warren’s slapstick adventures in and out of Angus’s kilt and was filmed around Beckworth and Birmingham’s BullRing Shopping Centre. The scripts have also been picked up by an American TV company who are doing a remake, likely to be called Dwarf In My Shorts, starring Danny DeVito and Johnnie Depp. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Television & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Daniel Day Lewis reprises his BAFTA award winning role as Warren

Good news just in regarding Beckworth’s rapidly aging decrepit population…. At last a new publicly-funded privately-run for profit hospice is to be built in the time. After much negotiation with town planners the old folk’s home is to be built on the site of the old toxic gas works and will use a quick building process new to the UK but pioneered in Russia (stacking up redecorated fire-damaged Portkabins). A frankly disinterested spokesperson has said in a succinct text message that “the end of life home is to be a sort of less fancy “Premier Inn” with a menu of the highest calibre… Think of it as a live-in Kebab shop for those in their twilight years.” In another text it was announced that “the home will be delightfully called The Ferns after it’s caring co-owners (and half-sisters) Fern Britten and Fern Cotton.” It’s due to open in about three and a half weeks if enough cheap, discarded portakabins can be found, but the sisters are so confident they’re already taking bookings. It sounds so good i’ve put my aged parents down for a place without seeing it! Christine Batley. Chief “Still Looking After Mother and Father” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of the planned old folk’s home

Breaking hustings new… There is much excitement in the town today as we have the chance to oust the useless current UKIP mayor and elect someone who’s not such a knob. So don’t forget to vote today, and vote carefully, we don’t want a lefty, looney or worse still an eco-warrior getting into office. God-forbid! Remember your vote counts, so let’s elect a mayor who will put the community first, raise rates, privatise the public toilets, close the library and job-centre and keep dirty vagrants from cluttering up the streets. There are too many worthless candidates on this list so make sure you vote Aashif Ackworth, Conservative. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Unbiased Electoral Reporter. Beckworth Guardian