Sorry but due to the floats being double booked and the Irish girl pipers all having flu today’s St Patrick’s Day Parade is being postponed until next Tuesday. Or if the girls are still unwell Wednesday. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. G. Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) An artist’s impression of tomorrow’s postponed St Patrick’s Day Parade
Oi. How do you fancy getting a mouth-watering deal for the woman you love? Cause you do!! To celebrate mum’s day, Papa Dave is offering 12″ inch delivered pizzas for the price of 10″. But hurry this offer is on for 2 hours only, between 12.15 and 2.30 today. So go on, give your old mum that little bit extra today. And while you’re at it why not treat the whole family to some standard size pizzas, we’re offering a free can of out of date Tango to anyone spending over £50. Cheers Papa Dave Strood. Papa Dave’s Pizzeria & Italian Cafe
(Above) A mother-ready 12″ Papa Dave pizza. Delicious
Hello you lucky peoples. Don’t forget this Sunday is your Mother’s Day and to make it extra special we will be opening 11 ’til 11 to service all the Mum’s we can. Your mother will be treated like a King at Knossos Kebabs and to any woman who can prove she has offspring we’re offering large donna kebabs for £11.99 each (whilst stocks last). After the success of last year’s Mother’s Day we are once again laying on entertainment that every mama will love, local Michael Buble tribute act Michael Ball will be singing all his hits, accompanied by his granddaughter Zoe on the spoons, in between making kebabs. This year we’ve got extra seats in our kebab shop so can sit 9 mums at any time, but any dads or sons and daughters will have to stand up. So maybe you come early and take-away (there’s a bench down the street). It’s not a day to be missed, so bring us all your mothers. And Grandmother. Khristos will see you Sunday.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs
Show your Mum you really love her and treat her to a kebab this Sunday
Hello my flock. Tomorrow is the Feast Day of St Noah, the patron saint of water and we will be holding a memorial service in the morning at 7.15. During the mass we will be telling the story of Noah and the floods with many parishioners coming in couples and dressing up as the animals he rescued. Don’t worry if you can’t attend the wonderful aquatic service as I am asking people show their gratitude to Noah by overfilling baths and sinks, getting out hoses and water-logging gardens, blocking roadside drains, damning local rivers and streams to create mini floods all over the town and countryside. God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths
Hello all. Just to let you know that due to an ongoing judicial review Beckworth’s Springtime tradition of Goat Rolling has been cancelled this year. Due to take place on Fool’s Hill on the third Saturday in March this will be the first time in 563 years that the event hasn’t taken place. Even practicing has been temporarily outlawed, with local police issuing a warning that anyone found in possession of a goat during March will be arrested and have their four-legged friend put down. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Mayor Gary Grimsby
Warning: Don’t roll your goat this month!
Your local (frozen goods and household essentials themed) amusement park Iceland Land is proud to announce the grand opening, tomorrow at 10.06am, of it’s latest star attraction. The Cillit Bang Rollercoaster Ride. To be unveiled by Mr Clit Bang himself, Barry Scott, the white-knuckle ride is reckoned to be even more knuckle-whitenening than the Mr Sheen Rollercoaster Ride and Mr Muscle Rollercoaster Ride it replaces, due to the fact it’s had a lick of paint and the wheels oiled. Thanks, Ms Kerry Katona MBE. Acting Assistant Manageress, Iceland Land
(Above) An excited Barry “Cillit Bang” Scott testing his roller-coaster ride earlier today
Dear all. On behalf of local father and son chefs Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal may I thank everyone who has made fudge bricks for them over the last 12 months. The chefs are now very close to opening “phase one” of “Fudgeworth” (a model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge) to the public and this has been down to your help and the enthusiasm of the duo, have done all the building themselves without the use of outside contractors or heavy plant equipment. But it’s a big building project and we still need your help. Please continue to make fudge bricks, windows, doors etc and models of people, buses, cars and trains. And animals. We are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for anyone with fudge making skills not dropping off their confectionery work. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel
(Above) Tony and Heston hard at work in the kitchen making confectionery building materials earlier today
Dear all, I have sad news to share. My popular mother, widower Celia Luton, passed away on the 38 bus earlier this week, and she will be buried next Thursday at St Faiths. Due to her dying on public transport it is down to the council to arrange transport for her journey from the bus depot to the church (I believe they have a converted “hopper” bus for such solemn occasions). As you’ll know my dear mother was a hobbiest inventor and the world would be a poorer place without her many useful everyday extending items. The telescopic selfie stick and telescopic bus pass holder her best known. Mum will be buried according to her final wishes in a coffin of her design. The telescopic coffin she recently patented, and had shown on Dragon’s Den, will increase in length from 5′ 6″ to 25′ during her send off service, and need 16 council-supplied pallbearers (bus drivers) with a forklift to lift into her long grave. Many thanks, Sandy Luton
(Above) Mrs Luton lying in state at the bus garage in her patented telescopic coffin (shown partially extended earlier today)
Come and see in the year of the goat tonight at The Bamboo Caravan. To celebrate every dish on the menu, including the vegetarian options, will be made from goat and The Gay Hussar pub next door will be supplying us with goat based cocktails. Geri Halliwell and the Chinese State Mime School will be doing a dragon procession through the restaurant and customers spending over £25 per head will get a free sparkler to wave around at midnight. Alan Ip. Manager. Bamboo Caravan.
(Above) Geri Halliwell and friends rehearsing in the Bamboo Caravan
Hellody Hoo, Marion here. I’ve just seen that fella John from Countryfile being filmed chatting to some cows in a field. I asked the farmer what was going on and he told me he think’s they are doing a sequel to the film Being John Malkovitch. He reckons’s it’ll be called Being John Craven. The scenes I saw him doing looked very good, so i can’t wait to see the finished film. Ta ta, Marion
(Above) John Craven chatting to a cow earlier today