Mrs Princess Middleton Leaves Local Hospital With Baby Princess Gloria

Posted on 02/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking News…. Mrs Kate Princess Middleton has just left Beckworth General Hospital with her baby girl (likely to be named Princess Gloria) in a hire car driven by the baby’s father Prince William. A palace insider has told me that the happy couple are planning on grabbing a “Family Gutbucket” take-out from the recently re-opened Ken Tucker’s Fried Chicken cafe on the way home…. I’ll tell all as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Proud parents Prince William and Princess Kate of Middleton leave hospital with their baby daughter Princess Gloria

Mrs Princess Middleton Gives Birth At Local Hospital

Posted on 02/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking News…. Mrs Kate Princess Middleton has just given birth to a baby in Beckworth General Hospital and she’s a girl (so a real Princess like her Mum and Dad). A palace insider has told me she’s likely to be named Gloria after her father’s Godmum Gloria Hunniford…. I’ll tell all as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Mrs Princess Middleton To Vote Labour At Local Hospital

Posted on 02/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Water-breakage news just in… It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 7.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Middleton booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Kate has gone into labour. A hospital source said Princess Middleton‘s waters had broken on a visit to Lidl and she looked radiant as her husband Prince William had porters transport them both on trolleys to the newly cleaned maternity wing. Members of the Royal family and parliament are expected to attend the birth and have already started arriving. Many, like the Queen and Duke Phillip of Greece, have come on horse back. According to tradition all members of court will be present at the birth of the future Prince/Princess and portaloos have been installed in the hospital car park so the VIPs have somewhere to rest between contractions. Kate and Williams’ favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry are said to be unavailable to perform as court jesters and so Jo brand has been drafted in at the last moment. As is customary at state occasions Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be on hand to add extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage, with Mrs Kate’s Uncle Boris Johnson installed at the foot of the bed to keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Princess Middleton’s bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Funny Jo Brand knitting baby booties whilst telling jokes to the Royal couple

May Day Fish Race

Posted on 02/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a reminder that this bank holiday Monday it will be the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. A fun morning for most of the family, but please remember to keep all cats indoor. We don’t want a repeat of last year when Robson Green‘s winning goldfish Rose was maimed by a tabby just after the medals were given out.

Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 11 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local cook, and TV’s 2nd favourite Masterchef host, John Torode (himself a big fan of fish).

Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Last year’s winner Robson Green with a pre-”accident” Rosie

Local Lads and Lass Win Big At Marathon & Masterchef

Posted on 26/04/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

It was a win, win, win situation for Beckworth residents today when local lads came first and second in the pro men’s race at the 2015 London Marathon and a local lass won the pro women’s wheelchair race. Eliud Kipchoge, Wilson Kipsang and Tatyana Mcfadden did the town proud and were all trained by local man and Olympic athlete Daley Thompson. The wins come hot on the heals of local lad Simon Wood winning Masterchef earlier this week. Congratulations to all, and in their honour we hope to have a combined Marathon & Masterchef parade next year (if we get the planning permission). G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Local Masterchef winner Simon “Woody” Wood with his plastic trophy thing

French Market This Sunday

Posted on 09/04/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Don’t forget this Sunday, 12th April, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be in town. It’s your once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses, breads, veg and onions directly from people who drive on the wrong side of the road, don’t wash and refuse to speak the English language.

Once again wine won’t be offered after the many drunken altercations in recent years. Nor will we tolerate urinating in the street, not even down opened-manhole covers.

As is tradition the march of the Emmental Fromagiers will set off from from Town Hall steps at 10am, parade along Floyd Street into the Square to declare the market open.

Weather permitting there will be events all day for the whole family, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, a kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course in the afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2015.

Not to be missed this year will be the life-size inflatable Eiffel Tower that will be set up near the scout hut, and a must see will be the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors staging a reburial of King Richard III beneath the MacDonalds car park.

So Bonjour to one and all, Mayor Gary Grimsby

(Above) The french market featuring a life-size inflatable Eiffel Tower

Easter Services This Easter

Posted on 02/04/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy Easter and to invite you to the services we are having this weekend. This evening at 7.30 will be the traditional Maundy Thursday Service. In accordance to the Holy teaching and to remember the last supper we will eat fish and chips in the pews and afterwards I will wash the feet and socks of members of the congregation. Tomorrow at 10am we will have our Good Friday service, including a blessing of baby chicks and lambs, followed by St Faith’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday Sports Day. Hosted by us every Easter to remember the time our Lord was crucified and then rolled away a stone to “rise again.” We will celebrate with all faiths, whether they believe in one God or numerous, and come together to share a love of competitive sports and finding cream-eggs hidden around the church yard. On Sunday we will have 4 Easter services, at 8am, 11am, 3pm and 6pm and Monday we will have a mass at 11am and a blind-fold egg and spoon race through the grave yard afterwards. I trust we will see you at most of the services. Happy Easter and God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) An artist’s impression of the inspiration behind the Maundy Thursday foot spa

Local Undertaker Reaps Just Reward

Posted on 26/03/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Congratulations to local lad, 56 year old Terry Tottenham Jnr, who has been voted the UK’s cheeriest undertaker and won the prestigious Grin Reaper Award 2015. Mr Junior will now be entered into the jovial European Championships, where he has the chance of winning a solid chip-board coffin. So we wish him well with that. Interestingly Mr Terry is not the first Tottenham (of Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors) to win and become the Grin Reaper. His dad, Terence Sr, won six times back in the heady 1970s when death rates were high and big money was being made by undertakers. Mr Senior would most likely have won a seventh time had his short life not been cruelly cut short by his rival Stuart “Stew Pot” Crystal-Palace (of Crystal-Palace Funeral Directors), in a notorious church yard brawl following a cremation. Good luck Terry. Gary Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Undertaker Mr Junior Tottenham, winner of the Grin Reaper Award 2015

Apologies For The Substandard Eclipse Experience

Posted on 20/03/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just wanted to apologise for the no-show of Dr Brian Cox today, he was apparently double booked to talk about sun and moon stuff on breakfast telly and didn’t tell us. Still at least Bill Oddie showed up to share his binoculars with us all. Though to be honest because of the dense smog over the pub car park there was nothing to see. And it didn’t even go dark. Or cold. But on a brighter note we did sell out of drinks and a dozen people had a boozy start to their day. It was like a foggy beach party. But without the sand. And the music. Thanks to all who attended, you made the weeks of organising almost worth while. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above) Today’s solar eclipse, with Bill Oddie in the bottom left, as seen earlier today

Come & Watch The Eclipse From Our Car Park

Posted on 19/03/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day for fans of the sun, the moon and beautiful manly hair, because we’re expecting an eclipse at 8.30am over the pub car park and Dr Brian Cox will be giving us a running commentary. The doctor has promised to tell us all about eclipses and will be signing photos (at a cost) and selling dark sunglasses so we can look directly at the sun. The pub will be selling alcoholic drinks and bar snacks and entry to the car park is only £15 at the gate (no entry after 8.15 to avoid overcrowding). So bring the whole family and enjoy some Dr Cox sky watching. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above) An eclipse. Just like the one we’ll see tomorrow morning in the carpark

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Mrs Princess Middleton Leaves Local Hospital With Baby Princess Gloria

Mrs Princess Middleton Gives Birth At Local Hospital

Mrs Princess Middleton To Vote Labour At Local Hospital

May Day Fish Race

Local Lads and Lass Win Big At Marathon & Masterchef

French Market This Sunday

Easter Services This Easter

Local Undertaker Reaps Just Reward

Apologies For The Substandard Eclipse Experience

Come & Watch The Eclipse From Our Car Park

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