Anarchy At The Allotments

Posted on 09/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I’m sorry to bother you but I need you the towns folk to be particularly vigilant as mayhem and lawlessness have broken out at the allotments. At first it was just the odd watering-can or shed that was taken without permission but now we have had the police do a search of the entire site due to nefarious growths being found. And i’m not talking about the allotments being overrun by giant radishes like last year. No, this year a few anarchic n’erdowells have been openly growing drugs in amongst the organic veg. So far marajoanna, magic mushrooms, cocaine and nurofen have been found and confiscated. So please let’s stamp out this drug terror before it takes over. Thanking you. Clifford Pinner. Chairperson. Beckworth Allotment Committee

(Above) Some of the magic mushroom drugs found by Police earlier today

Astrologers Descend On Beckworth

Posted on 09/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news just in. Some of the World’s greatest astrologers are spending the next few days camped out on Beckworth’s sports field in the hope of seeing a meteorite storm, or something starry, in the night sky. Famed astrology brothers Hugh and Russell Grant have arranged the “field trip” and even laid on tents and sleeping bags for the skyward looking nerdy experts. Russell explained to me over skinny latte and biscuits that “if the clouds clear tomorrow night we’ll see the Moon at it’s biggest and brightest as it will be in it’s closest position to earth.” I’m sorry to say I started to nod off as he carried on “And for the next few nights and Jupiter is rising in Uranus then Beckworth will probably have one of the best views in the Northern Hemisphere of a large meteor storm crashing to earth” I stirred and said that sounded scary but brother Hugh calmed my nerves by stroking my hair and saying “the meteors will most likely burn up on entry” before casually adding “but if they do crash to earth and cause a nuisence it will be New Zealand and Australia that will be in the firing line.” So if you have chance look up at the sky tonight and see if australasia is about to be wiped out. Christine Batley. Chief Star Spotting Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of tonight’s moon over Beckworth

Next Week Pop A Beaver In Your Pocket

Posted on 08/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just a reminder that next week it’s National Take A Rodent To Work Week. This is an opportunity to introduce our small furry friends to the world of gainful employment, whether full- or part-time. And, if you’re one of the millions of our country’s workshy, the unemployed can take their mammals to sign on or to accompany them to the pub and to get drunk in the park. And our retired citizens can take mice, gerbils, rats, beavers etc along to play bingo or to buy a lottery ticket whilst complaining about the price of milk to the newsagent. Stupid as it may seem, rodents are currently banned from hospitals and doctors surgeries, but let’s face it they are so small you could try sneaking yours in.

“But I haven’t got a small burrowing-animal to offer work-experience to” I hear you non-rodent owners cry! Fear not, you can “test-drive” one as the local pet shop are hiring them out. Hire is for a minimum of five days, prices vary depending on the size of rodent, but a deposit of £250 per animal is required first.

And wonderful news; local employers offering internships to these creatures have agreed to supply complimentary tiny treats and bedding material. So what are you waiting for, now man’s tiny best friends can be useful at work. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

(Above) A pet beaver relaxes before setting off to work earlier today

Two Minutes Silence

Posted on 04/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Today we hope the whole of Beckworth will join with us and observe a two minute silence at 11pm to honour the fallen of World War One. Thanks you. G. Grimsby, Mayor

UKIP Sponsored Common Wealth Games Closing Ceremony Cancelled

Posted on 03/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hi, sorry for the very late notice but just to let you know that tonight’s alternative closing ceremony for the Commonwealth Games on Beckworth’s sports field has been cancelled. The local branch of UKIP, who tried to organise the event, have apologised and put the blame squarely at Noel Edmunds’ door. He’s refused to perform a stunt kite display to round off the games, but in his defence a fuming Mr Edmunds says this is just because he, and the other performers, still haven’t been paid for the opening ceremony. And like most of us he says he’d like to watch the real Glasgow closing ceremony on TV, whilst sharing a bottle of wine with his close friend Mr Blobby. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

(Above) Mr Blobby fishing in his friend Noel Edmunds’ pond earlier today

Local Athlete Misses Out On Medal

Posted on 02/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Sad news, local resident Bethany Folkestone has finished second to last in the speed skipping at the Commonwealth games. Six year old Bethany is said to be very upset as she fell over twice and ended up with a knotted skipping rope. Thankfully Lord Seb Coe stepped in with words of encouragement for the crying Miss Folkestone and lent her a packet of travel tissues. Christine Batley. Chief Flustered Skippers Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Bethany’s discarded skipping rope in Glasgow earlier today

One Day Sale At 99p Land

Posted on 01/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Today your oldest and favourite discount store 99p Land havs gone totally crazy and lowered the prices on some items to just 97p. Yes, just 97p on some essential everyday items that you use everyday (offer excludes pretend cigarettes, dog leads, VHS videos, and monkey nuts). We’re open 8 till 8 (closed for an hour at lunchtime). So come on down immediately. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land

Two Coles For The Price Of One At The 98p Land Grand Opening

Posted on 31/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hurry Hurry Hurry. Tomorrow at 8am celebrity singer and dancer Cheryl Cole along with her “ex-Minder” dad George will be opening Beckworth’s brand new, cheapest and best discount supermarket, 98p Land. They’ll both be working the tills (and if needed stacking shelves) until lunchtime, although they have said they may do a spot of overtime in the evening. And to celebrate we have many lines on sale (for just one day) at the frankly ridiculous cheap price of slightly under one pound. Find such quality items on sale anywhere locally for such little money and we’ll refund the difference. So see you tomorrow. Ivan Bialystok. Manager. 98p Land

(Above) George Cole & daughter Cheryl arrive for rehearsals of tomorrow’s shop opening

Peter’s Pipe Dream Of Pickling Plant Panned

Posted on 30/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know that due to public pressure poor ex-Dragon’s Den judge Peter Paphites has withdrawn his planning application to build a pickling plant on the site of the Neolithic buriel mound near Slocombe. I think Beckworth will regret this in the long term as it could have created at least 12 jobs and put the district on the pickles map. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) Peter Paphitis, would be Prince of Pickles

Star Spot: Dr Who

Posted on 27/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

I’ve just seen the “new” Dr Who, Peter something, on a break from filming the new TV series nearby (I hear Slocombe sewage works is crawling with aliens and camera crews). He was in the petrol station buying some chewing gum whilst his glamorous young assistant filled up the Doctor’s blue Skoda car (which for a diminutive vehicle looks deceptively spacious inside). Yours S Bendish

(Above) Dr Who’s time-travelling assistant filling up with unleaded earlier today

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings