Pants

Posted on 20/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

If anyone finds a pair of men’s used brown underpants, probably near the high street, please let me know. I think I mislaid them yesterday… Or maybe it was the day before that. I do remember quite clearly I had to remove them quickly behind some wheelie bins but after that my mind is a blank. I was quite blootered at the time, because Arsenal had just won a football match and although I don’t follow the game it seemed rather a good reason to celebrate. Heavily. So please help me find my extra-large “lucky” pants, as they are my favourite pair. Come to think of it they are my only pair.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

By the way, I may have also lost a grey knitted balaclava as I was wearing it when I left the house on Friday night… and I’m not now.

(Above) The Colonel’s Recently Lost Lucky Pants

Christian Randy Is Back This Friday

Posted on 20/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news for all of you religious music fans as Randy, the country’s number one sexually-deviant wooden “friend of Jesus,” is back performing his hits at Beckworth’s number one real ale venue. This Friday night he’ll be on stage with his close relatives, amateur ventriloquists Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely, and the threesome will be getting our bank holiday started with a real Christian swing. The born-again hitmaker’s are promising to sing all of their “C of E” cover versions including Killing In The Name Of, Miley Cyrus‘s Wrecking Ball (featuring Aunt Nancy twerking) and Tom Jones’s Kiss, which will bring God into our hearts, or so their agent has told me. They will also be signing copies of their heavily discounted debut album Do You Know Jesus?, which reached number 502 in the Christian charts on it’s release last year. It’s only a £5.50 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is Whitsun’s Wee. Warning: If you don’t like people singing about Our Lord, or dummys, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Rolling Stone Has Gastric Band Fitted

Posted on 18/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Local one man band, and ex-Rolling Stones bassist tribute act, Bill Wideman, has been fitted with a gastric band after dieting failed to reduce his weight. 127 stone Bill, known off stage as “Fat” Ron Penge, has always struggled with his size, “I was a large jolly baby, and never stopped growing” he told me over a take-away curry with chips. When Bill was younger he had a well documented brush with stardom, when in 1998 he was crowned weight watcher of the year, having allegedly lost 56 stone in 6 months. But the judges found out he’d used someone else’s photo as the “slim” shot and had actually put on over 13 stone, so he had to hand back the crown and would have also handed back the winning money had he not spent it on pies. Since then Bill has kept a low profile honing his one-man musical skills and appearing on the X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, the Antiques Road Show and Embaressing Bodies, whilst still finding time to busk in the high street. “I’ve incorporated getting craned on and off “stage” (the back of a lorry), and in and out of my bed, into my act which the audiences love” he the added “but it’s got to the point where walls in my house needed demolishing just so I could use the loo. Hence now needing the gastric band” So good luck to Bill nee Ron, I’ll let you know how the diet goes. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Diet Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The “real” Bill Wyman, who obviously has gastric problems of his own

SOBS Story

Posted on 15/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Sorry for disturbing you but my brothers and I can no longer stand idly by whilst this once proud country goes to the dogs, all thanks to our useless Government, Brussels and political correctness gone mad. I am of course talking about sausages, otherwise known as the Great British banger. This vital part of an Englishman’s everyday diet, the English sausage is now under attack from European bureaucracy and spineless Governments. After much red tape making across the channel by self-appointed, BMW driving, white wine drinking, pasta eating, food safety officials we have been instructed that our “As English as hayfever” sausages MUST now be made with at least a 40% imported meat content. Our hand-made sausages don’t even have 25% meat in them, so I don’t know how they reckon that will work. And due to last year’s “media scare” we’re no longer allowed to make them from horses. Or donkeys. This is just crazy. We are a traditional British butchers and have been proud to make meat-stuffs from Grand National winners and beach-walking asses for over 150 years. So please join us in standing up for a great traditional meal, stand up for Britishness, stand up for the Queen, and let’s give Johnny MEP a black eye. Vote UKIP next week and sign the petition in our shop to Save Our British Sausage (SOBS). David, Tony and Shawn Bradford. Bradford’s the Butchers. UKIP Supporters.

(Above) UKIP supporting great British sausages pictured with some English mash yesterday

Found: Vital Clue Found In A Wrapper

Posted on 12/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. PC Rozzer and I have hardly had time to water our tomatoes this week as clues relating to the Stag Do Massacre case are coming thick and fast. I’m not complaining as at least we’re not just finding ties. Today a wrapped sweet, probably dropped by the murdered Groom’s paternal Grandfather, was found by an observant member of the clergy on the path to the church (Thank you Archbishop Desmond Tutu). The immediate area around the 800 year old church-yard is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad blow up the sweet, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This vital clue, deliberately left by the Groom’s Mum’s Dad, is a sweet treat made for sucking called a Murray Mint. To the casual observer that’s not out of the ordinary, but to trained detectives, like Rozzer and me, it points to the Granddad cunningly letting us know the identity of a key Stag Do Massacre gang member. He’s obviously called Murray. Or Mint. So this is where you could help. Perhaps you know someone in a gang that shares their name with a boiled sweet? Maybe you’re a friend of the Granddad and haven’t seen him or his wheelchair in the betting shop this week? Or perhaps, you like me, you want to know how to keep greenfly off your tomatoes? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case whilst attending to our vegetable plot. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

Beckworth_Granddad's_Mint

(Above) The wrapped sweet treat named after it’s inventors Messrs Mint and Murray

Rare Snail Spotted By Roundabout

Posted on 12/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello Beckworth. Just to let you know that the town has been blessed with a visitation by a very rare mollusc, the Common Shelless Snail (Latin: Communus Snailius With No Shellius). We’ve had a few wonderful sightings of the shy, 6cm long “naked” snails in the past couple of days, mainly around the A324 roundabout near McDonalds, and we are currently feeding the gastropods and helping them across the busy road junction, with the hope that Lord David Attenborough will come down with his film crew to make an award-winning documentary. The snail has become extinct in many parts of Europe, as they are thought a delicacy and are easier to eat by virtue of being shell-less, and are extremely rare in this country due to the fact they prefer to live by the road side and get squashed by careless motorists. So we are a very lucky town to have them visit. Yours, Clifford Pinner

(Above) The very rare Communus Snailius With No Shellius avoiding traffic earlier today

Priceless Pickled Onions Stolen

Posted on 11/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I am hoping you can help because Beckworth has this weekend suffered a tragic loss. Our renowned pickled onion collection, (pictured above) has had some of it’s rarest and pricless unique exhibits stolen. The onions, some dating back to the Norman conquest and valued at over £3.5 million, are usually on display in The Hayward’s Gallery at the Town Hall. Many prize examples were taken, and are probably already being eaten on the black market. We believe the theft occurred sometime between August 2012 and Monday morning just gone, but can’t be more specific as we seldom look at the items on view. The theft was only noted when pickle fan, and local celeb, Benedict Cumberbatch asked for his entrance fee back as most exhibits were missing. The jars of onions are irreplaceable and trace the evolution of pickling through history, the rarest probably being the Henry VIII’s pickles made during a time when only Royalty were allowed to make pickles and relishes. We are desperate to get the collection back, so if you have any information about the theft or where to buy some more please contact me directly, as the Police don’t seem interested. Stella Corby, The Hayward’s Gallery

Fish Race Won By Large Goldfish

Posted on 08/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. I trust you all enjoyed the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race as much as I and weren’t put off by the anti-vivisectionist’s scuba division trying to delay the race by swimming with the racing fish. The event was only held up by 20 minutes whilst the protestors were caught by local anglers and there weren’t too many serious injuries. Congratulations to Robson Green whose pet goldfish Rose won the race in record time. It was the third time Rose had raced in the event but she’d never got a podium position before, so well done. Perseverance and daily training really paid off. G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Rose proudly shows off her gold medal, with owner and trainer Robin Green

Take The Next Left, or Right, Said Fred

Posted on 06/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello World. Todays’ news is the hottest off the press for some time because its’ come straight from the horses mouth, almost. Richard Fairbrass of rock group Right Said Fred told his hairdresser, who phoned me, that he is the new voice of a well known make of satnav. Multi-millionaire Richard told Marge over a shampoo that ”it’s ironic Marge” he said “As I can’t drive, am rubbish with a map and get my lefts and rights all mixed up!” before adding “But hopefully drivers will forgive me if my instructions get them lost!” I think I speak for all Beckworth residents when I say I for one would let the deeply dippy bald Mr Fairground get me lost on the way home from Sainsco. LOL Ronnie. Psychic.

(Above) Right Said Fred who’s obviously no longer too sexy for his shirt

Thank Cod For The May Day Fish Race

Posted on 04/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Please note that tomorrow it’s the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, and the good news is the bookies will be opening early so you can have a flutter on our scaley racers. So go on, treat yourself. The race is a must for all the family, but please remember not to bring any pet cats or kittens. We want to avoid any entries being eaten before and during the race, as has happened in previous years.

Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 12:30 for the weigh-in. Just to clarify, although sharks are fish they are still banned from the competition. The race will start at 2 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local celeb and TV’s Mr teetotal, Keith Chegwin (himself a big fan of angling). See you tomorrow, weather permitting (if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool). G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Last year’s worthy winner Norma Neston with her trainer Des

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings