Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off semi-final last night, especially as he was tipped by bookies and the show’s hosts to win. Jack was forcibly ejected from the tent by producers for the trumped up charge of being drunk in charge of a blender and trying to steal other contestants “showstoppers”. Rumour is Mary Berry and her son Paul Dollywood had to be given incentives to carry on with the show such was their admiration for Jack. A hungover Jack rang me from his bed to say he’s not going to take this lying down and may well sue, but in the meantime he’s going to try his hand once again on the X-Factor and apply to be on Come Dine With Me. So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV this year, which is a blessing.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) A visibly upset Mary Berry on hearing of Jack’s swift exit from Bake Off