Tag Archives: Mary Berry

Outrage As Local Celebrity Will Not Be Appearing In The Jungle

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Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo will not be appearing on the new TV series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Producers have said that Jack is not a celebrity! I disagree as he’s better known than Lady Colin Campbell who’s going to be on. No one’s ever heard of him… And I’d like to see this Colin eat kangeroo b******s and scorpion’s willies in the bush tucker trial. Jack would scoff them as he’d be too p****d to notice. Rumour has it that Jack’s good friends Lord Sugar, Mary Berry and her son Paul Hollywood will be in the new series, and they’d love Jack to be with them. He’s such good fun when he’s drunk. Which he always is. But not to be outdone by smart-arse TV people i’m going to start fundraising to get him flown out to Australia so he can sneak into the jungle unannounced. That will give those dwarves Ant and Dec a shock! So please help me with the fundraising and let’s get Jack back on TV. And of course whilst Jack is still in this country he is available to sing at weddings, births, divorces, etc. so give me a ring to book him.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack managed to get on set with Ant and Dec in the UK recently, which as can be seen made them very happy

 

Outrage On Bake-Off

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Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off semi-final last night, especially as he was tipped by bookies and the show’s hosts to win. Jack was forcibly ejected from the tent by producers for the trumped up charge of being drunk in charge of a blender and trying to steal other contestants “showstoppers”. Rumour is Mary Berry and her son Paul Dollywood had to be given incentives to carry on with the show such was their admiration for Jack. A hungover Jack rang me from his bed to say he’s not going to take this lying down and may well sue, but in the meantime he’s going to try his hand once again on the X-Factor and apply to be on Come Dine With Me. So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV this year, which is a blessing.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) A visibly upset Mary Berry on hearing of Jack’s swift exit from Bake Off

Bake-Off Star Missing In Action

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Dear all. Just a quick update on The Great British Bake Off for those following my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo, the gifted singer and entertainer. The observant amongst you will probably notice his absence from tonight’s episode. This was due to Jack helping the police with their enquiries when tonight’s programme was filmed. But the show’s very understanding producers have allowed Jack to stay in the competition. It’s fortunate that amateur photographer Jack had some very “interesting” photos of people associated with the programme and he used these as his “get out of jail free” card. Mary Berry and her son Paul Lollywood have said they are chuffed to bits that non-talented Jack is still in the running to win Bake Off this year.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Mary puts on a brave face but her son Paul is really missing contestant Jack this week

Bake Off Up In Smoke

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Dear all. I bet you’re enjoying The Great British Bake Off as much as me and all because my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo is doing wonders. He must be a dead cert for the final. Yesterday Jack was voted baker of the week for his Savoury Pastie (which he’d cleverly bought earlier from Greggs). By causing a distraction in the tent (he’s a trained arsonist) Jack was able to produce his pastry without anyone noticing he hadn’t so much as rolled out any pastry or turned his oven on! Mary Berry and her son Paul Bollywood even said it was the best pastie they’d ever tasted. So congratulations to Jack, Greggs and the local fire brigade.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack’s lovingly presented pasty, the bake of the week as chosen by Mary Berry and her hungry son Paul

The Great British Fake Off

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Dear all. Another week on The Great British Bake Off and once more it’s well done to my “clever” cousin Jack-A-GooGoo for getting through to the next round. I can’t tell you how he survived, suffice to say money changed hands. Quick thinking Jack was very lucky to have a large stash of cash on him when he was found to have presented a shop bought battenburg as his Euro cake “showstopper”. Still Mary Berry and her son Paul Brentwood saw the funny side and tucked into the cake, Paul even commenting that Mr Kipling was his baking idol. The Bake-Off hosts really seem to have taken a shine to non-cook Jack and I hear they are betting on him winning.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack’s showstopping Battenburg cake

Berry Exciting Book Signing Today

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Mary Berry will be signing copies of her new book, Straw Berry, from 5 today in our newly painted book shop cafe. The hefty tome is the latest instalment in her 31 volume autobiography and deals with her teenage years between the wars when she and her friends lived in a barn and solved mysteries. “My formative years were a lot like being in the Famous Five” her press release states “But without Timmy the dog and with me baking cakes to snare villains and murderers.” It’s sure to be an amazing page turner. Nita Glamorgan. Manageress. Iceystones Bookshop.

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(Above) Mary Berry practices her signature in readiness for today’s book launch

Drink & Be Berry

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Dear all. I just wanted to say well done to my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo for getting through to the next round on The Great British Bake Off. “Befriending” Mary Berry and her son Paul Hollytree in the bar between bakes has certainly paid off. Clumsy alcoholic Jack can’t cook for toffee but he’s the life and soul of a party, especially when it’s the BBC that’s paying for it.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Paul awaits his BFF Jack in the Bake-Off bar

Local Lad Bakes Good. Again

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Dear all. I just want to congratulate my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo for his inventive baking on The Great British Bake Off last night. Jack could so easily have been kicked off the show as his bread making was crap. But Jack used his “loaf” and added a “sweetener” to his showstopper, so Mary Berry and her son Paul Hollybush voted someone else off instead. Well done to Jack and to the Berry family for seeing sense.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) A “tickled” Mary Berry and moody son Paul admire Jack’s slightly-overdone “show-stopping” bun

Local Lad Bakes Good

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Dear all, just to say my cousin Jack will be on The Great British Bake Off next week, so please watch him as he’ll need your support. Jack missed the first two weeks of the competition as he had to finish community service first, but he’s bound to be a star of the show when he gets in that tent with Mrs Berry and her son Paul. He first learnt to bake at her Majesty’s pleasure and it’s almost kept him on the straight and narrow ever since. You may remember Jack not as a baker but as a local heat runner-up on Stars In Their Eyes seven years ago, when he performed solo as the famous 1980s rock group Kajagoogoo, but of course he’s now best known for almost winning The Voice last year. He still performs his popular tribute act Jack-Agoogoo and is available for bookings (though not on Tuesday mornings as he signs on then and not weekends cause that’s when they film Bake Off).

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack, second from left, joins the other 2014 Bake Off contestants in a tent

Hollywood Goes To Hollywood

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Dear all. I’m sure you are all gripped by The Great British Bake-Off hosted by our very own pastry chef / novelty baker Paul Hollywood on his weekends off during the summer. The great news is that Paul has taken a weeks holiday and is today flying out to visit his namesake, Hollywood, home of films and actors, to try and sell his very first film script. The script, called “Make Or Bake” is an action thriller/rom com/sci-fi who-done-it based on his experiences working on the Bake-Off TV show and also draws on his career in our own hotel kitchens. Paul told me the story has all the ingredients to be a smash hit. It opens with a classic car chase where an innocent-looking orphan boy (young Paul) is thrown out of a fast moving car which drives off without him and crashes into a tree down the road. Hollywood miraculously survives and is found in ditch by a 1960′s Fagin and his teenage gang. They make him their apprentice and teach him the century’s old trade of street urchin, but in a novel rags to riches twist he one day arrives rain-sodden at Hill View Hotel in Beckworth selling tea-towels, J-Cloths and pegs. He is taken in by the kindly chef who over a cup tea and a scone recognises the lucky-charm necklace worn by Paul to belong to his dead daughter’s, and that young Hollywood must be her long-lost son who fell out of a car when he was a small boy. Grandfather chef teaches him to bake, do icing, pastry and stuff, and the next thing you know, lothario Paul is on TV making fancy cakes. At this point his old street gang reappear to black-mail baker Paul…. I won’t spoil the plot but it’s great, funny, sad, saucy, etc and peppered with his trademark baking tips, Mary Berry even gets a cameo role. So we all wish him well and look forward to his return when he’ll be baking his prized bloomers for the staff and guests here. Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

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(Above) Heartthrob baker Paul Hollywood taking his script to Hollywood earlier today