Monthly Archives: May 2013

Terry Nutkin Statue In Miniature

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Hello all. After a very well attended public meeting the other week, regarding design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue, a very artistic statue was chosen. Created by famed artist, disc-jockey and local celeb Chris Evans, the statue will stand 10ft tall, be made of recycled brass and sit on a stone plinth (the idea of a memorial fountain having been rejected at an earlier council meeting due to worries about vagrant’s bathing). If you missed the meeting you can view a miniature of the statue (I learnt at the meeting that a little pretend statue like this is called a maquette) in the entrance hall of The Town Hall, open daily between 8.30 and 5. The real statue should take about 9 months to make so we’re hopefully looking at a March 2014 unveiling. I am confident it will become a major tourist attraction just as the Mother Teresa Memorial Bus Shelter has done.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) A detail of the chosen Nutkin statue design

Judith Chalmers In Unfolding Bad Kharma Lama Drama

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My goodness, since my first message on this site yesterday my life has become just like an episode of News At Ten!!! You may remember I asked everyone to keep a look out for 3 lama’s that had escaped from local celeb Fern Britton‘s lama farm. Well, I have so far been inundated with eleven or so sightings of “The Jackson Three” (The lamas are named Michael, Janet and Jermaine). So far the cunning lamas have evaded capture and have been spotted all over the town, from Bingo at the Macadamia Hall to The Spa at Beckworth Hall, with a stop-off at the drive-through McDonalds and a toilet break outside the Two Fat Ducks restaurant in between. They were even spotted in the tinned veg aisle at Tesburys Supermarket by local celeb, and latenight TV Gold travel presenter, Judith Chalmers.

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Judith, a self-professed camel rider, says she was tempted to try and tackle them but thankfully had seen my website warning yesterday, and also thought that to deny the lamas their “escape to victory” would bring her bad kharma at a time when she is hoping to get back on to television and needs all the help she can get. To reiterate for those who missed my first message, Mrs Britton warned that under no circumstances should the lamas be approached as they do pose a seroius threat to the public, and other animals. If you do continue to spot the three runaways please let me know or contact Fern’s in-house lama-trainer Doris Palmer who will come and round them up (with a lasoo I presume?). Thanks for your time and have fun lama spotting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Sandal Owner Found

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Just to let you know Beckworth detectives have now found the owner of the unisex Jesus sandal alive and well. The footwear was handed into police earlier this week and has since been claimed by local shop owner, and morris dancer, Mr C. Pinner. For those of you following the case the blood stain on the shoe turned out to be spilt paint, not coffee as stupidly suggested by another officer at the station. So we can now rule out Jesus and his followers from our enquiries about found brass instruments. Thankyou PC R. Cowgrove

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(Above) Mr Pinner’s beloved sandal

The Lord Rises Early Tomorrow

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Dear all, please come to tomorrow morning’s Ascension Day service to celebrate the resurrected Jesus being taken up to Heaven. It is a time for us all to celebrate his safe journey to visit his Father, and after the service we will be serving tea and special resurrection cakes baked by the WI. Service starts at 8am. Yours rev C. Knutsford

Lama Farmer Drama

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Women Of The Year Lunch

At last I can contribute to Beckworth’s website and all because of a camelid emergency. Please be on the look out for 3 lama’s that have escaped from local celeb Fern Britton‘s famous lama farm. Fern (the youngest daughter of the composer, and dead local celeb, Benjamin Britten) has been running her lama stud for twelve years and says this is the first time that any inmates have made a dash for freedom. Mrs Britton advises that under no circumstances should the general public approach the lamas (named Michael, Janet and Jermaine) as they can be quite dangerous when cornered and have venomous spit (I think that’s what she said, but it was a crackly phone line and I was on the loo at the time). If you do spot the three hairy runaways Fern, a close friend and neighbour of Phillip Schofield, says not to bother her but instead advises emailing me (how exciting!) or you can phone, text or even face-time, her partner (in business, not in love) Doris Palmer, who is known to the lamas and is thankfully trained in non-combative animal capture. Thanks for your time and happy lama hunting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Well Done ITV

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I don’t normally watch the commercial channels, too many adverts for alcohol, deoderants and cheap sofas, but a write up in the Mail brought to my attention two new comedy dramas that ITV are airing on Mondays from 9pm (cocoa time as I like to call it). Well, I was not disapointed, to the extent I laughed so much my beverage went cold. I am talking about Vicious and one who’s name escapes me, but I think its called Shoot The Unemployed or something equally as catchy. I won’t spoil the plot but let’s just say the former is a very realistic portrail of two mature gentleman friends who share a flat (so good to see us elder folk not patronised, though why the men need to be quite so effeminate or angry i’m unsure). The latter is about the workers (and shirkers who visit) in a labour exchange. Not somewhere I’ve frequented, but the programme is so realistic I no longer feel I need to. Both feature great characters in hilarious situations. So well done to the ITV.  And here’s an idea, you can always record the programmes to watch in the mornings after viewing Fake Britain, then you can fast-forward through the vile advertising breaks.

Watch them both. You won’t regret it.

Ray Eastleigh

Naturist’s Big Weekend Away

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Just a reminder that places are still available on the Beckworth & Slocombe Naturist’s Big Weekend Away. This year we’re off to Alton Towers (Saturday 1st June) and Trentham Monkey Forest (Sunday 2nd June), staying overnight at Trentham Travelodge. All the family members are welcome, especially those new to the natural ways of naturism (over 18s only). Double-rooms are still available for those who don’t mind sharing, or for the less shy there is a dormitary room. The hotel boasts a disco and there is a swimming pool for those who like a late-night skinny-dip. The all in cost, including sandwiches and soft drinks on the outward and homeward journeys, is £720 including VAT. Contact me, Lionel, for more details. So join us for a weekend without clothes or socks, it’s going to be a riot (though hopefully not a real riot like we caused a few years ago at Legoland).

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Found: A Euphonium & Jesus’s Sandal

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After a week away, having been seconded to the costa del crime (Bournemouth), I am stunned to come back and find the station swamped by two found objects. Note worthy for their apparent non-connection (to the untrained-mind) are a silver euphonium and a single unisex sandal, a bit like the sort Christians wear, with socks. The sandal is stained with blood, or it has been suggested by an inexperienced colleague as a coffee stain (but I think we can dismiss that theory). The large and heavy euphonium has been engraved with distinctive girly-swirly patterns (like leaves) and over-the-top lettering with the name Henry.

Do you know a large unisex brass instrument player (of either gendre) who dresses like a sock-wearing Jesus and is hobbling around town with footwear missing? Do they have a euphonium they’ve named Henry and which they have absent-mindedly mislaid?

If so, we’d like to hear from you… Maybe Henry’s rightful owner is offering a no-questions asked cash reward for it’s safe return? Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, who is a dab hand hand with lost and found. (By the way, we’re still waiting to hear from the owners of three trumpets and a flugelhorn). PC R Cowgrove

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(Above) Jesus, is this your sandal?

Fish Past The Post

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Hello all. Well, I think we’d all agree that a wonderful morning was had by all who attended today’s Beckworth MayDay Fish Race on a fast-flowing River Winnet, it was certainly a nail biting race. After a stewards inquiry the winner was declared to be Norma, a thoroughbred pike raced by the Neston family stables. If you’re inspired to race your own fish, you’ve got 365 training days until next years race. G.Grimsby. Mayor

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John Cooper-Clarke; Flushed With Success

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What a cracking gig we hosted last night, John Cooper-Clarke was fantastic as was the support act but best of all, our newly cleared toilets went down a storm. Thanks to all who attended and used the facilities without over-burdening them. T. Eccles

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(Above) John Cooper-Clarke thrilled after using the newly unblocked toilets