Please Help SLAPDASH

Dear all. may I take this opportunity to introduce both myself and my family’s campaign. I am Larry Sherwood-Beckham, second cousin of “peerless” footballer and pant model David Beckham, and the custodian of the Beckham family’s ancestral home, Shell House. For years the house has stood proudly near the gas works and council estate and I am tirelessly campaigning to save it for future generations, not least so I can charge football fans to see inside the room where young David once slept and dreampt of marine mollusks. Sadly, in recent years the beautiful whitey-pink single story dwelling has fallen into dereliction, mainly due to it being made entirely of porous seashells held together with mud and partly because a faulty microwave blew it’s leaky seaweed roof off. I have tried to get lottery funding and even an art’s council grant but to no avail. But dear Beckworth, it is worth saving. It is of major cultural importance. This is where David began his lifelong passion for aquatic crustaceans, inspiring many others along the way (I wonder how many of you have posters of David in action building crude shell sculptures or beach-combing?). Shell House was originally built by mine and David’s great-grandfather, the seafarer and famed conchologist “Dr” Terence Beckham, and was our favourite after school destination when it was raining. Great-grandfather would tell of his adventures near the high seas gathering shells and mud to bring back to build his house whilst “peerless” David played keepy-ups in the kitchen. It is also a unique architectural monument to the ancient, and now lost, skill of building with barnacles and wet earth. So come on, please donate handsomely to SLAPDASH (Save Larry And “Peerless” David’s Ancestral Shell House), I reckon £250,000 should do it. I’ll be leaving a labelled pot for loose change in the laundrette and pub, or you can give it to me in person.

Cheers, Larry Sherwood-Beckham, SLAPDASH

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(Above) David Beckham’s picturesque ancestral home made of shells and mud

Chinese Mime Goes Up In Smoke

Hello all. I am honoured to announce that Beckworth council is hosting a world premier next week when the Chinese State Mime School will be performing their new show, Up In Smoke, on a trailer in the town hall car park (next to the bottle bank). Geri Halliwell, herself a black belt in mime, has brought them to the UK at her own expense and has seen a rehearsal hastily recorded on a mobile phone. She told me it was a very poor quality recording but she could just make out that it was a cautionary tale warning of the perils of pipe smoking in hot air balloons. Given the school’s reputation in mime circles it will probably be first class. Tickets are £10 each and there will be performances daily all next week at 11am, 2pm and 6pm. Sorry, but due to some adult content it is over 18s only. Yours Gary Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

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Not to be missed next week The Chinese State Mime School will be performing their new show, Up In Smoke, on a trailer in the town hall car park

Volunteers Needed To Clear Old Sewer

Hello. For those of you with a keen interest in local history this will certainly be of interest. Moving on from the successful renovation of the canal over the last few years, we are now looking for volunteers to help unblock and restore Beckworths’ Victorian sewer system to it’s former glory. It’s bound to be very dirty and smelly work but invaluable historical research (the water board are refusing to fund it, even though they were still using it twenty years ago. They have taken a defeatist stance saying it’s beyond repair). It’s a once in a lifetime chance for strong-swimmers, preferably with their own boiler-suits and breathing gear, to glimpse 19th and 20th century life through discarded toilet detritus and faeces. It is worth remembering that in their heyday the sewers (designed by Isambard Kingdom Brunel‘s adopted daughter Islington Kingston Brunel) were described as one of the seventy wonders of the world and were opened to the public by Prince Albert and his incontinent brother Prince Leopald Von Pitsburg, both keen sewer fanatics. Please email the secretary of the society Sarah Beeny for more details about volunteering. Many thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

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(Above) Princes Albert and Leopald stand with Miss Brunel and guest stand on top of the nearly completed Beckworth’s sewers at their grand opening

Freedom 4 Fish Terror Plot Foiled On Bus

Hello all. It’s a very exciting start to the day as we have breaking news just in… Beckworth is today at the centre of a (thankfully foiled) major “Terror” incident and the town is crawling with police, vets and undercover SAS, probably. Plain clothed ticket-inspectors intercepted an anarchist group calling themselves Freedom 4 Fish on the number 4 bus to Slocombe Aquarium at 8.27 this morning. In a statement posted on twitter, and in the newsagent’s window, the group have stated their intention “to free all our fishy friends held captive against their will and give them a voice.” It went onto read “Just because they don’t have arms or legs (or means of communication) doesn’t mean (wo)mankind can ride rough-shod over their feelings. And not listen to fish opinions.” The card has since been removed as it hasn’t been paid for. Coleen Rooney who was travelling to work on the crowded bus told me over a cup of tea that the three members of Freedom 4 Fish captured by the inspector were disguised as school children and only aroused suspicion when one of the “kids” who had a very bushy ginger beard produced a twenty years out-of-date child’s bus-pass. I’ll let you know when I get more news on this terrifying aquatic story… Christine Batley. Chief Votes For Fish Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) One of the naughty anarchist “school children” arrested earlier today (photo taken by Colleen Rooney on her phone) 

Nero: First Sighting

Hello. After nearly three weeks in the wilderness Nero, our escaped tiger, has been spotted by a vigilant celebrity near the allotments. Local historian & TimeTeam’s Mr Baldrick Tony Robinson, said he spotted our errant cat by some ornamental rocks belonging to close friend Rowan Atkinson “Nero was very still & quiet. Just watching, waiting, ready to pounce. I guess he was stealthily tracking his prey to the allotments, root vegetables being a firm favourite with “Big Cats” in the wild.” By the time the zoo’s crack team of animal hunters arrived with guns our tiger had gone, but not before defecating in Shane Richie‘s newly painted shed. Nero is easy to spot, he is the size of a donkey, look’s like an orange striped cat and has large claws, so it’s surprising he’s not been seen before. But tigers are wiley creatures, even stuffed ones. If you do see him please contact us, or the police, and text photo’s so we can verify it’s Nero. Thanking you. Timothy Thetford. Head Zookeeper. Crewbury Zoo and Aquapark.

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(Above) Nero the escaped tiger photographed staking out a rockery earlier today

Salvation With The Post

Hello all. The Salvation Army today chose Beckworth to launch it’s new national postal service, SalvationMail, with an early morning press conference. The recently appointed head of Salvation Army marketing, Colin Bradford-Bingly, was quoted as saying “Since joining the SA from the Nuclear Industry i’ve been looking to extend the cherished Salvation brand beyond just being an army.” He continued “I’m proud to say the SA was ahead of the curve launching “chuggers”, we were the first charity with a uniform and nice hats and the first to saturate the brass band market… So the marketing team have been “blue sking” and “mind mapping” and came up with idea of launching The Salvation Air Force. Unfortunately the planes cost far too much… even the grounded ones. During a team “brain-storm” it dawned us that if we got some cheap boats it would be a a safe bet to launch The Salvation Navy. But we got into a hoohah with the RNLI over preaching to people in difficulties at sea, so that’s on the back burner for the time being.” He then added “But the recent privatisation of Royal Mail handed us a golden opportunity. The SalvationMail can deliver post at a competitive cost and spread the word of our Lord door to door at the same time. It’s a win-win situation” When asked why Beckworth was chosen for the launch Colin B-B replied “it has great road, rail and footpath connections, a lot of people looking for salvation with their mail… and besides which I live in the town so I didn’t have far to go to get to the press launch” The Salvation Mail will have it’s own stamps, with Jesus on instead of the Queen, and hopes to have it’s own letterboxes and post offices  soon “We’re starting small but are looking to rival Royal Mail within 12 months” I’ll let you know when I get more news on this enlightening story… Christine Batley. Chief God’s Own Post Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) The world’s first SalvationMail sorting office opens in Beckworth