Who Invented Gravity?

Hello all and happy autumn. Professor Brian here, and once again I’ve been asked to help those of you who don’t have my huge intelligence or good looks and great hair. Today, i’m answering a question emailed in from a Mr Arsene Wenger of North London and it’s one I get asked most harvest times. Arse says “Dear Brian. Yesterday I was sitting under a tree sheltering from the rain and a pear fell on my head. It got me thinking, who invented gravity and how long ago? I guess there was a time before it existed but history books don’t mention it. Please can you help? Yours, A Wenger”

Great question Mr Venger, but first may I suggest to you that you avoid sitting under a tree during a storm as it’s very dangerous (but that’s a story for another day). Also pears having nothing to do with the story of gravity… but amazingly another fruit does.
To find out when gravity was invented I had to do a lot of research and found myself in Beckworth library reading about the middle ages (i’m not sure what they were in the middle of yet, but with my inteligence i’m bound to find out).

I discovered a dusty old book called an Encyclopedia which explained that gravity hadn’t always existed and was invented some time between 1200AD and the out-break of World War One (some chapters were missing from the book so an exact date is beyond me). I did find out that it’s inventor was a Mr Sir Ian Newton. He was a scientist like me, but as he hasn’t played in a 1980s pop band as I have, you may not have heard of him. Anyway, one autumn day after hard day being scientific Mr Newton was resting under a tree when an apple (probably a Cox) fell on his head. Being very clever like me he got to thinking about apples and trees and stuff. He spent years (and lots of juicy apples) experimenting and soon had invented gravity. Although we now take it pretty much for granted it wasn’t until years after Newton’s death that gravity was accepted as existing. So poor old Mr Sir Ian never knew how his invention would enrich human lives, and make us very wary of resting in orchards. I hope that answers your question Arse.

With his fact complete I’m rushing off to meet my close friends Spandau Ballet in the Sainsco Cafe. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) Dr Cox tries to get to grips with an apple whilst explaining gravity earlier today

Pantomime Auditions This Week

Pantomime season is just around the corner and in the spirit of Christmas The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some very minor parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. This Thursday we will start looking for fresh talent for our much anticipated 2014 panto. Is this you? For five nights around Christmas we will be putting on an original festive performance very loosely based on the Charles Dicken’s film Oliver and the life and recipes of the nations favourite TV chef, Jamie Oliver OBE. The panto, titled Jamie Oliver In Fairy Liquid Land, was written by Jamie himself (with help from his close friend Gordon Ramsay) and Mr Oliver will direct and produce the performance. Sponsored by Fairy Liquid (a chef’s best friend) the script promises, in Jamie’s words, to be Pucker! And who are we to doubt him? All the good parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, with local busking singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran set to play Jamie and EastendersDot Cotton (aka June Brown) playing his long suffering, ever pregnant wife, Jools. But we will still need new talent members for the boring non-speaking parts, the odd dance and cooking routine and to sell Jamie’s food in the interval. As usual auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to almost anyone. But let’s face it we’re really looking for gorgeous, slim, young people, so if you’re past your sell by date or need a fork-lift to use the loo don’t waste our time. Jamie says he wants to find the next Olly Murs and Cheryl Cole (or whatever she’s called these days) preferably with catering skills. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own chef’s knives.

See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

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(Above) Local busker Ed Sheeran hears he is to play Jamie Oliver this Christmas

Back To Work & I’m Clueless

Hello. I’ve had an interesting couple of months whilst I was suspended from duties, I had a well earnt holiday in Ibiza and caught up on daytime telly. I occasionally attended court due to being the arresting officer (and unofficially the lead detective) in the obscene vegetable case. But now that’s finished i’m back out on the beat looking for clues in the Stag Do Massacre case. PC Rozzer has tried his hardest running the case single-handed (or pawed as he’s a dog) but he’s only unearthed bones so far. If you do find any clues CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, but you may not catch me in as PC Rozzer and I are currently trying to get fit and have taken up jogging. But I’ll keep you posted on murder developments when I can. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

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(Above) Me relaxing on holiday in Ibiza whilst suspended from the force on full pay

Outrage On Bake-Off

Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off semi-final last night, especially as he was tipped by bookies and the show’s hosts to win. Jack was forcibly ejected from the tent by producers for the trumped up charge of being drunk in charge of a blender and trying to steal other contestants “showstoppers”. Rumour is Mary Berry and her son Paul Dollywood had to be given incentives to carry on with the show such was their admiration for Jack. A hungover Jack rang me from his bed to say he’s not going to take this lying down and may well sue, but in the meantime he’s going to try his hand once again on the X-Factor and apply to be on Come Dine With Me. So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV this year, which is a blessing.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) A visibly upset Mary Berry on hearing of Jack’s swift exit from Bake Off