Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Sandal Owner Found

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Just to let you know Beckworth detectives have now found the owner of the unisex Jesus sandal alive and well. The footwear was handed into police earlier this week and has since been claimed by local shop owner, and morris dancer, Mr C. Pinner. For those of you following the case the blood stain on the shoe turned out to be spilt paint, not coffee as stupidly suggested by another officer at the station. So we can now rule out Jesus and his followers from our enquiries about found brass instruments. Thankyou PC R. Cowgrove

Sandal

(Above) Mr Pinner’s beloved sandal

The Lord Rises Early Tomorrow

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Dear all, please come to tomorrow morning’s Ascension Day service to celebrate the resurrected Jesus being taken up to Heaven. It is a time for us all to celebrate his safe journey to visit his Father, and after the service we will be serving tea and special resurrection cakes baked by the WI. Service starts at 8am. Yours rev C. Knutsford

Lama Farmer Drama

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Women Of The Year Lunch

At last I can contribute to Beckworth’s website and all because of a camelid emergency. Please be on the look out for 3 lama’s that have escaped from local celeb Fern Britton‘s famous lama farm. Fern (the youngest daughter of the composer, and dead local celeb, Benjamin Britten) has been running her lama stud for twelve years and says this is the first time that any inmates have made a dash for freedom. Mrs Britton advises that under no circumstances should the general public approach the lamas (named Michael, Janet and Jermaine) as they can be quite dangerous when cornered and have venomous spit (I think that’s what she said, but it was a crackly phone line and I was on the loo at the time). If you do spot the three hairy runaways Fern, a close friend and neighbour of Phillip Schofield, says not to bother her but instead advises emailing me (how exciting!) or you can phone, text or even face-time, her partner (in business, not in love) Doris Palmer, who is known to the lamas and is thankfully trained in non-combative animal capture. Thanks for your time and happy lama hunting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Well Done ITV

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I don’t normally watch the commercial channels, too many adverts for alcohol, deoderants and cheap sofas, but a write up in the Mail brought to my attention two new comedy dramas that ITV are airing on Mondays from 9pm (cocoa time as I like to call it). Well, I was not disapointed, to the extent I laughed so much my beverage went cold. I am talking about Vicious and one who’s name escapes me, but I think its called Shoot The Unemployed or something equally as catchy. I won’t spoil the plot but let’s just say the former is a very realistic portrail of two mature gentleman friends who share a flat (so good to see us elder folk not patronised, though why the men need to be quite so effeminate or angry i’m unsure). The latter is about the workers (and shirkers who visit) in a labour exchange. Not somewhere I’ve frequented, but the programme is so realistic I no longer feel I need to. Both feature great characters in hilarious situations. So well done to the ITV.  And here’s an idea, you can always record the programmes to watch in the mornings after viewing Fake Britain, then you can fast-forward through the vile advertising breaks.

Watch them both. You won’t regret it.

Ray Eastleigh

Naturist’s Big Weekend Away

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Just a reminder that places are still available on the Beckworth & Slocombe Naturist’s Big Weekend Away. This year we’re off to Alton Towers (Saturday 1st June) and Trentham Monkey Forest (Sunday 2nd June), staying overnight at Trentham Travelodge. All the family members are welcome, especially those new to the natural ways of naturism (over 18s only). Double-rooms are still available for those who don’t mind sharing, or for the less shy there is a dormitary room. The hotel boasts a disco and there is a swimming pool for those who like a late-night skinny-dip. The all in cost, including sandwiches and soft drinks on the outward and homeward journeys, is £720 including VAT. Contact me, Lionel, for more details. So join us for a weekend without clothes or socks, it’s going to be a riot (though hopefully not a real riot like we caused a few years ago at Legoland).

AltonTowersSticker2

Found: A Euphonium & Jesus’s Sandal

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After a week away, having been seconded to the costa del crime (Bournemouth), I am stunned to come back and find the station swamped by two found objects. Note worthy for their apparent non-connection (to the untrained-mind) are a silver euphonium and a single unisex sandal, a bit like the sort Christians wear, with socks. The sandal is stained with blood, or it has been suggested by an inexperienced colleague as a coffee stain (but I think we can dismiss that theory). The large and heavy euphonium has been engraved with distinctive girly-swirly patterns (like leaves) and over-the-top lettering with the name Henry.

Do you know a large unisex brass instrument player (of either gendre) who dresses like a sock-wearing Jesus and is hobbling around town with footwear missing? Do they have a euphonium they’ve named Henry and which they have absent-mindedly mislaid?

If so, we’d like to hear from you… Maybe Henry’s rightful owner is offering a no-questions asked cash reward for it’s safe return? Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, who is a dab hand hand with lost and found. (By the way, we’re still waiting to hear from the owners of three trumpets and a flugelhorn). PC R Cowgrove

Sandal

(Above) Jesus, is this your sandal?

Fish Past The Post

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Hello all. Well, I think we’d all agree that a wonderful morning was had by all who attended today’s Beckworth MayDay Fish Race on a fast-flowing River Winnet, it was certainly a nail biting race. After a stewards inquiry the winner was declared to be Norma, a thoroughbred pike raced by the Neston family stables. If you’re inspired to race your own fish, you’ve got 365 training days until next years race. G.Grimsby. Mayor

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John Cooper-Clarke; Flushed With Success

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What a cracking gig we hosted last night, John Cooper-Clarke was fantastic as was the support act but best of all, our newly cleared toilets went down a storm. Thanks to all who attended and used the facilities without over-burdening them. T. Eccles

MarkESmith

(Above) John Cooper-Clarke thrilled after using the newly unblocked toilets

Happy Easter

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Ha ha, I know it’s not really Easter, but I got your attention didn’t I? This is a gentle reminder that Sunday morning services now start at the earlier summer time of 10:30, evensong remains at 6:30 so there’s plenty of time to get home in time for the Antiques Roadshow or CSI. So, see you all in church for the blood of Christ and tea & biscuits afterwards. Yours gratefully, Rev. Cyril Knutsford

Tea and biscuits

(Above) Jesus’s Ascension Day tea and biscuits

Fish Races. Plaice Your Bets

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Hello all. Remember that this Monday it’s the Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, and today is the last day to have a flutter. Go on treat yourself. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

PS A note to competitors: Just to clarify, although sharks are fish they are banned from the competition. Who can forget the race of 2005 when a shark called Norman won because he had eaten the rest of the “field”.

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