Here is an interview about yours truly, recorded a while ago by a swindling, potentially-murderous, charlatan doctor off the telly. I’ll give him his due though, I sound blinding.
Life As A Copper
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Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth
A Small Step For Man, A Big Step For Mankind
Hello all. Adhering to our policy of no politics on this site I have not previously commented on yesterdays council elections, but I thought everyone would want to know the outcome as it effects us all. Sense won out and we now have a majority Uskip run council. Congratulations to all parties on an almost smear free campaign. G.Grimsby. Mayor
Lost Woggle
Thank you to all who have been utilising the skills of our scouts and guides this bob-a-job week, but i must remind you there is a thin line between gainful employment and exploitation. Also, please keep an eye out for a lost woggle. If found please return the scout hut or pop through my letter box. Yours Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader
Watch The Voice
Dear all, just to say my cousin Jack will be on The Voice this Saturday, so please watch and phone in your votes. You may remember he was local heat runner-up on Stars In Their Eyes six years ago, when he performed as famous 1980s pop-stars Kajagoogoo. He still performs his popular tribute act Jack-Agoogoo and is available for bookings (though not on Tuesday mornings as he signs on then), just ask me and i’ll do the rest.
Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)
Bank Holiday Fish Races
Hello all. Remember that this bank holiday Monday brings with it the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. A fun morning for all the family, but please remember to keep all cats indoor. We want to avoid last years fiasco whereby the competition favourite was eaten by a ginger tom before the race was even under starters orders.
Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 11 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local celeb, and TV’s favourite brick-layer, Nick Knowles (himself a big fan of fish).
Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor
Ban The Filth Now
Am I alone in wanting to protect our children from the increasing sexualisation of Beckworth? I am talking about banning the nefarious lurid cards advertising the trades of massage, chiropody, home-helps and other sex workers from the phone box and newsagents windows. Who will stand up with me and form an action group? Let’s do it now before it’s too late, if not don’t complain to me when a brothel opens next to M&S.
Lana Gravesend
Not Lost Now Brown Shoe
Thank you to the friends, neighbours and strangers who helped me find my lost brown shoe. It was in my shed under a grobag all along. It turns out I went to the public house with slippers on… I’m buggered if I know where they ended up, but they had holes in so don’t bother searching for them. Who knows I may become reacquainted with them on my next sojourn to Beckworth’s hostelries. Col. T. Ludlow (Ret’d)
Rope Springs Eternal
Just a reminder to parents and guardians that there won’t be a meeting of the girl guides tomorrow evening due to the pointless local elections commandeering the scout hut (with only 12 weeks notice I may add). It is most inconvenient as the girls were practicing for their abseiling and bungee badges and we’ve now had to pack all the gear away, which took myself and Tawny Owl an age last night (why we couldn’t have left ropes and crampons hanging from the hut roof God alone knows. Health and safety has gone completely mad). Ruth Freshford. Brown Owl. Beckworth Guides.
Fame At Last
Dear all, it is wonderful to have the opportunity to share my life with you, albeit in brief heavily edited installments. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it none the less, especially the television casting directors amongst you. Dr E Chipping-Sodbury
Open Auditions: Vernon Kay’s All Star Family Fortunes – The Musical
The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes, this Thursday evening at 7.30 in their rehearsal space (above Chiswicks The Fishmongers). Open to everyone, first-time director (and local celeb) Ross Kemp says he wants to find the next Will Young and Fern Cotton for this all singing, all dancing musical spectacular, which has been written for us by local celeb Vernon Kay! Are you a Will or Fern (you can actually have any name, he’s just giving them as an example of talented local people and could have easily asked for a local Justin Beiber and Lindsay Lohan). Please come along and show us what you’re made of. You must be 18 or over and have large lungs. Given the success of our last musical, Salvadore Dali, we expect to be swamped, so come early. See you Thursday, Chico (producer)