Last Night’s Apprentice

Posted on 05/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Congratulations to local entrepreneur and female impressionist Leslie Warwick as she once again survived a dressing down and near sacking on TV’s The Apprentice. Her regular appearances opposite Lord Al Sugar have made her a force to be reckoned with and the whole nation has taken her to their hearts. Every week so far she has ruined her teams’ chances of winning, but in an interesting twist this week she messed up the opposing teams’ task with a bit of skullduggery (She stole a box of their naff children’s book so they had fewer copies for sale). Hence the idiots made less profit and quite rightly lost. And for the first time ever, on the frankly otherwise predictable Apprentice, a team captain brought a member of the opposing team, Ms Warwick, back in to the boardroom to potentially have Lord Al say “You’re Fired.” But once again “Teflon” Leslie survived (She has some “dirt” on fellow contestants and judges). So she is through to the next round and well on her way to winning the series. Good luck to Leslie, her underhand ways certainly make the programme more watchable. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) A nonchalant Leslie back in the firing line again

Word Of The Year 2015 Announced

Posted on 05/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Cambridge Dictionaries have today announced their most popular new word of 2015, Whingewatching. As we all know the word means: To watch a programme (or pretend not to be if a partner is watching it) and complain about it all the way through viewing. Sometimes even pausing the TV to have a rant e.g. “How can this be allowed to be on before the watershed.” Gogglebox have even made whingewatching into a TV programme. And, although the word was only used for the first time a few weeks ago, it is now the most used verb in the English speaking World. Even the Pope has used it in one of his rambling latin Vatican masses and just last week it was reported that the visiting King Of China asked David Cameron what he liked to whingewatch on TV (interestingly it was The BBC News. Dave said it was so b****y biased, left wing and anti-Government). But the real sign of the verbs popularity was that it was recently used 15 times in a single episode of Eastenders and confounded a contestant on Masterchef. Or maybe it was Mastermind. Christine Batley. Chief Verb And Noun Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The contestants on Gogglebox searching for a lost slice of pizza whilst whingewatching their favourite TV programme

BOGOF. Tomorrow We’re Recreating Two Historic Events, In One “Explosive” Re-Enactment

Posted on 04/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Just a reminder that on tomorrow, from 3pm, we will be simultaneously recreating both the The Battle Of Agincourt and The Gunpowder Plot on the sports field, seamlessly intertwining events. It’s a historical Buy One Get One Free! We’re celebrating the fact it’s 500 years, almost to the day, since the Agincourt power-struggle happened on a battlefield somewhere in Britain and 400 since Guy Fawkes invented bonfire night by allegedly trying to blow up the House Of Parliament. We’re winging the battle a bit as we’ve not found much in the way of records to help our battle scenes but we’ve got tons on the plot. The only downside is we’re lacking our star re-enactor who always plays Guy and has the costume (He’s currently residing at Her Majesty’s Pleasure), so we’ll use a dummy instead. But get this; recent evidence has come to light that proves the gunpowder plot was actually all a big misunderstanding. The story goes that a thirsty Mr Fawkes and and his friends had been barred from a Westminster pub due to unpaid ale bills and repeated fornication at the bar and wanted their revenge. So they planned to blow-up said public house. But due to a lack of electric lighting back in the “dark ages” Guy’s crew couldn’t clearly see what building they’d planted the gunpowder in. And as history shows they accidentally put it under Parliament, thinking it was the pub they’d targeted. Imagine their disbelief when they were arrested and tried and hanged and stuff for treason. Poor old Mr Fawkes. Still without his blunder no one would have bothered inventing burning effigies, bonfires or fireworks. Imagine a world without trick or treating. Or pumpkins and sparklers! It doesn’t bear thinking about. So thank you Guy Fawkes and your randy drunk friends… It would be interesting to know what inventions battling Agincourt led to. See you all tomorrow. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors

(Above) “Guy Fawkes” from the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors just prior to his arrest earlier this year

Remember, Remember The 6th Of November

Posted on 03/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a reminder that this year’s bonfire celebrations will be happening on Friday 6th not Thursday 5th, so we can all stay out extra late. Attractions will include a video of a bonfire and fireworks on a quite large screen (due to health and safety concerns over real fires), a torch-lit choir, vegan food stalls and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made out of recycled rubbish from the local power station. Prof Brian Cox will tell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the local Peppa Pig tribute band will be playing on a small open-air stage. See you all on Friday! G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) The Peppa Pig Tribute Band practicing their bonfire songs earlier today

All Hallows Service Today

Posted on 01/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this morning’s All Hallows (All Saints) Day service will be starting after lunch at 2.15pm as I want to listen to Desert Island Discs. It is bound to be a most riveting programme as Marjorie Wallace is the stranded victim. Who I hear you ask? She is the gifted mental health campaigning daughter of Barnes Wallace, inventor of the bouncing-bomb and cats-eyes (those reflector things in roads, not a feline’s optics). She is also married to that funny man Wallace from the animated television series Wallace & Gromit.

Please gather outside the church at 2.10 and we will all skip into the church singing When The Saints Go Marching In accompanied by the local prison brass band (if they don’t all try to escape). Please remember to come to the service dressed as your favourite saint and carry a carved-out tomato as a lantern, for as we know this is the ancient Christian tradition on All Hallows. See you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Marjorie Wallace with her husband and devoted dog outside the BBC’s Desert Island Discs studios earlier today

It Was An (Almost Entirely) Happy Halloween

Posted on 01/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Thank you to all residents for an almost incident free Halloween. The carefully controlled trick or treating went smoothly. There were only forty-seven arrests and as usual, due to Police zero-tolerance policy, it was the under 10s causing the problems. The police chief has stated the rioting that ensued is most likely due to sweet induced sugar rushes. On a lighter note, congratulations go to the Beckham family who won both the under-18s and adult Halloween Costume competitions. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Thrilled Halloween costume winners, Victoria Beckham and very tall son Romeo, photographed whilst out trick or treating last night

The (Possible) Inventor Of Bubble-Wrap Due To “Pops” His Clogs… Probably

Posted on 31/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking potentially sad news…. Reports have been flooding in that local man Duncan Bubbles, the probable inventor of Bubble-Wrap, is very ill and has taken to his “death” bed. But in a spooky twist we’ve just had a fax from his talented nephew, Michael Buble (Real name: Mickey Bubbles), saying reports of his death are a bit premature. “He does have a poorly foot and is a bit stressed by the ongoing Human Rights court case over who actually invented Bubble-Wrap (two Americans claim they did in the 1960s), but apart from that he’s fine” Get well soon Mr Bubbles. Christine Batley. Chief Packaging Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) As per his final wishes Mr Bubbles will be buried in a splendid “coffin” of his own making

Local MP To Lobby Parliament Over UK’s Expected Population Explosion

Posted on 30/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking political news just in…. Our heroic local Tory MP Tristan Carshalton-Beeches has announced he is to lobby Parliament with a radical solution to the UK’s increasing population. Just yesterday a report was published that reckons in the next twenty years our population will expand by 26.75% to about 95 million, and by 2050 our small proud island will be home to over 200 million. All of it down to non-English speaking migrants moving here to claim benefits, take our homes and to breed like rabbits on the national health. Mr Tristan says “Frankly it’s time to draw a line in the British seaside sand and tell Monsieur Johnny, Joanna & Junior Foreigner enough is enough…” In a packed press conference he told assembled journalists and his mother his plans to save our country. “England is like an island, or an old boat.” He told the enraptured audience of five “It has a finite capacity and we are fast approaching the point where we our dear country will sink due to over-crowding. With all us Christians on board. Without inflated life-jackets. Like the Titanic did.” Mr Carshalton-Beeches pointed out that “If the Titanic had had less foreigners onboard, and had lifeboats, it’s population would have survived running into an iceberg.” He showed us cartoon diagrams and went on “We too are blindly running into that iceberg. An immigration iceberg. But I alone can see it approaching. Silently. Like a frozen killer. So my idea is to have lifeboats. And not metaphorical ones. Real one’s for genuine English people to hire that will set sail for dry land before we all drown. I want to buy, or lease, land abroad. Lots of it. Preferably somewhere hot, with a local population we can lord it over. I will set aside plots to house us fleeing British billions and create communities on foreign soil of English speakers. With English pubs and curry houses and things to remind us of home. When it was still good. We can then leave the “old” broken country to all these migrants who are so b****y desperate to come here…” He would have gone on but worked himself up into a frenzy and had to be stretchered off. Mr Tristram was muttering something about creating a pure race in God’s country but we couldn’t catch it all as he was frothing at the mouth. Good luck to Mr Tristram and all who sail with him. Christine Batley. Chief Save Our Country From Foreign Invasion Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Tory MP Tristan Carshalton-Beeches drawing a line in the sand earlier today

Local Lass Avoids Eviction On The Apprentice. Again.

Posted on 29/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Congratulations once gain, to local entrepreneur and female impressionist Leslie Warwick as she’s now survived four episodes of the frankly tedious The Apprentice. She was forced by Lord Al Sugar to be team leader this week and, as her team lost the “crap for pets” task by quite some margin, she faced a grilling in the board room. But once again Leslie survived. An exasperated producer described her as being like Teflon as she has some very “useful information” on fellow contestants and judges. Hence she is through to the next round on her way to winning the series. Good luck to Ms warwick, she is certainly brightening up the programme with her colourful language and physical bullying. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) A laid-back Leslie Warwick taking little notice of the judges in the boardroom

Police Allow Trick Or Treating To Go Ahead

Posted on 28/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I’m very pleased to announce that for the first time in years trick or treating is to be tolerated in Beckworth this Halloween night. You may remember that it was banned due to year on year increases of muggings by under 10s on the town’s population. A compromise has been reached whereby youths will be accompanied door to door by armed riot police and not allowed to look, or act, too scary. I trust this will enhance everyone’s enjoyment of all-hallows eve. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

(Above) Police getting ready for Saturday night’s trick or treating

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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