StereoKicks Switch On Christmas Lights For A Second Time

Hello all. Judging by all the emails, texts and letters of complaint i’ve received many of you have noticed that this week the high street has been plunged into darkness due to a power cut caused by the Christmas lights exploding. After many days of hard work, local electrician and ex-TV hostess, Dale Winton has repaired the chain of lights, which he found to have a blown fuse. As luck would have it our favourite ex-X-Factor hopefuls Stereokicks were passing by on there way to the job centre as the repair was finished and so switched on the lights for a second time whilst singing a couple of songs. Resourceful Mr Winton says he’ll be keeping some spare fuses in his pocket in case the lights blow again, and the numerous members of Stereokicks have promised to switch on the lights as often as needed, as they are a bit under-employed at the moment. What a kind offer. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) The 22 members of Stereokicks happily line up to sign-on earlier today

Large Bust Unveiled To Public Astonishment

Big news just in. Today saw the public unveiling of the long delayed Noddy Holder statue, sited close to the sewage works. There were audible gasps from the crowd when they saw the concrete bust, as it is 15′ taller than expected due to a confusion whereby the sculptor used inches not centimeters. The honour of unveiling went to local mobile disco DJ Dale Winton who has campaigned long and hard over the past 40 years to have a permanent monument erected in honour of the local Slade singer made good. “Noddy’s done so much putting glam rock on the map” said Mr Winton over a crafty fag “So I thought he deserved a statue. Or at the very least a bus shelter named after him” Dale then continued “Ideally i’d like statues put up of all the 1970′s glam pop pioneers, Bolan, Bowie, Status Quo, The Nolans and will continue to fund raise with this aim in mind” You can donate money to Dale’s cause at his website. Christine Batley. Chief Huge Statue Correspondent. Beckworth GuardianBeckworth_Noddy_Holder_Statue

January Sale At Anglican Windows

Hurry, it’s the last few days of our January sale with up to 10% off our cheap and cheerful double-glazed doors and windows. Based on 2000 year old designs, as laid down in the scriptures by our founders Jesus and his Dad Joseph, all work is carried out by our crack team of genuflecting Anglican priests and comes with God’s very own 3 month guarantee. Satisfied customers include Dale Winton, Ann WiddecombeBoris Johnson and The Archbishop Of Canterbury. So come on down to your local Anglican Windows showroom and let the The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost into your home, shed or business. God bless you, Celine Dion, manageress, Anglican Windows

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(Above) Anglican Windows’ priests fitting and blessing a new toilet window

Where Do You Think You Are?

Hello all. You may have noticed that today the town has been swamped by a three-man BBC camera crew filming a new TV series. “Where Do You Think You Are?” is hosted by the pretty model and ex-army cadet Fern Cotton and sees celebrities dropped into the middle of nowhere with just a rain-mac, some boiled sweets and a compass to test their survival skills. Without any previous training they are expected to find their way back to their birthplace within a week by living on their wits, stealing food and walking miles as riding on public transport or getting taxis is off-limits. The episode they are filming in and around Beckworth sees Dale Winton trying to return to his Gran’s council flat in Bethnal Green with, I am told, hilarious consequences. It sounds like a must see programme, so good luck to Dale and the BBC. Christine Batley. Chief TV and Survival Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Dale Winton passes through Beckworth on his way to his Gran’s in East London