Exclusive breaking Prime Minister Johnson news just in… In a fortuitous stroke of luck I just popped out to have a well earned cigarette break and who should I bump into coming out of the betting shop on the high street? Yes, our very own, highly respected, Beckworth MP, Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP who honoured me there and then with an exclusive interview as we shared a Marlborough Light. Mr Tooting-Broadway was very excited to have just won a “monkey on the gee-gees” (I’ve no idea what a monkey means but it must be good given his infectious happiness) and also to have found out that he is very likely to have landed a role in his friend Boris’ cabinet after years gathering dust on the back benches… Stephen told me he had been “friends” with the new Prime Minister since Prep School and that his younger brother, Rory Tooting-Broadway (the famous porn and sausage-meat baron), was Mr Johnsons fag at Eton (I looked it up and it means man servant not gay boy as I’d thought), so they know Boris Johnson‘s most intimate secrets which he’s offered to tell me at a price. Good luck to Tooting-Broadway and of course to Mr Johnson, I think the two of them can at last get us out of the stinking corrupt mire that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Boris Johnson PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Water-breakage news just in… It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 7.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Middleton booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Kate has gone into labour. A hospital source said Princess Middleton‘s waters had broken on a visit to Lidl and she looked radiant as her husband Prince William had porters transport them both on trolleys to the newly cleaned maternity wing. Members of the Royal family and parliament are expected to attend the birth and have already started arriving. Many, like the Queen and Duke Phillip of Greece, have come on horse back. According to tradition all members of court will be present at the birth of the future Prince/Princess and portaloos have been installed in the hospital car park so the VIPs have somewhere to rest between contractions. Kate and Williams’ favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry are said to be unavailable to perform as court jesters and so Jo brand has been drafted in at the last moment. As is customary at state occasions Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be on hand to add extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage, with Mrs Kate’s Uncle Boris Johnson installed at the foot of the bed to keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Princess Middleton’s bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Funny Jo Brand knitting baby booties whilst telling jokes to the Royal couple
Hello all. Professor Brian here to answer a query left hanging around since the beginning of 2015. Many of you asked “Why do we have a New Year’s Day?” and I promised to tell you (and I’ve not forgotten my promise to find a hangover cure. Rest assured i’m conducting a lot of hands on research on your behalf).
Like many things we take for granted we need to thank the Roman’s for having New Year’s Day. It was invented by a Roman general in the 1st century AD as a response to the ancient Greeks who’d recently invented New Year’s Eve and in doing so had gained a reputation as being popular party people. The general, named Partimus Drunkimus, never got invited to these January 31st night-time gatherings and so drew up plans and recipes for his own day of merriment, games, food and beverages. These quickly caught on throughout the Western World, especially his game of musical statues and his cocktail Brandy Alexandra (named in honour of Alexander The Great), which we continue to enjoy to this day. So because of jealousy we now have both New Years Day and Eve to enjoy… See you soon to discuss hangovers, in the meantime I’m rushing off to meet my best friend Boris Johnson in the pub for a game of darts. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.
(Above) A statue of Partimus Drunkimus clutching the brandy alexandra he invented
Hurry, it’s the last few days of our January sale with up to 10% off our cheap and cheerful double-glazed doors and windows. Based on 2000 year old designs, as laid down in the scriptures by our founders Jesus and his Dad Joseph, all work is carried out by our crack team of genuflecting Anglican priests and comes with God’s very own 3 month guarantee. Satisfied customers include Dale Winton, Ann Widdecombe, Boris Johnson and The Archbishop Of Canterbury. So come on down to your local Anglican Windows showroom and let the The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost into your home, shed or business. God bless you, Celine Dion, manageress, Anglican Windows
(Above) Anglican Windows’ priests fitting and blessing a new toilet window
Hello. The disquieting case of “Cinderella’s found ephemera” grew more puzzling today with the discovery of a mislaid part-used bag of quick drying cement near the builders merchants. The list of personal effects poor “Cinders” has lost in recent weeks is growing ever longer and we can only conclude that something very serious is going on, maybe a homicide or worse. The cement was found by local bike shop owner, and politician, Boris Johnson whilst on his way to the barbers at first light, and as a consequence the area around the bag has been cordoned off by forensics whilst they carry out tests and stuff. Questions will probably get asked in Parliament if we don’t get this solved double quick. So we need your input. Have you seen a young, or old, lady, or perhaps a dodgy builder in woman’s gear, lose a shoe, gloves, a fag packet and now a bag of cement of the quick-drying variety? Maybe you or someone in your family is getting forgetful and now can’t finish rendering brickwork due to a lack of footwear, fags and cement? Maybe you and your ugly sisters are over-running on a building job and as a consequence they have taken away your favourite cement and tabs as punishment? Maybe your wicked step-mother has taken your glass slippers to the cobblers for reheeling and dropped one on the way? If so ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be handling this nefarious case solo, along with CID, and will keep you in the loop as s*** happens. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police
(Above) “Cinderella’s” cement essential for rendering brick work