Wanted: Nude Bums On Seats

Hello. This Saturday your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are sending a team to the 27th International Festival Of Nude Whistling And Shouting and we still have some seats available on the coach. The event is being held in the romantic city of Damascus and we’ve room for another fortyone broad-minded people. We’ll be setting off early on Friday, driving all night and staying overnight Saturday in a naturist friendly youth hostel. If you are keen to go nude and support finalists in the World Nude Vocalising Championships this is the weekend for you. Last year’s Nude Shouter winner Ray Winstone is hoping to make it two in a row but is up against 2013 winner Sylvester “Sly” Stallone, and Hollywood stunner Julia Roberts, representing the USA, will try to retain her title in the Naked Whistling. My close friend Wayne, himself a runner up whistler in years gone by, said Damascus will be a wonderful place to spend Valentines Day and is promising me a big surprise when it gets dark on Saturday night. I wonder if he’s entered us both into the duets section of the Nude Karaoke? If you’d like to see Wayne take me by surprise please come along. The trip will cost £475 per person but that does include bed and breakfast. I hope to see you on the coach, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

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(Above) Beautiful Ms Julia Roberts, pictured whilst unusually still wearing clothes, will try to retain her title in the Naked Whistling but will come up against stiff competition

Strictly Naturists Dancing

Hello. In five weeks time your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are planning a coach trip to see Strictly Come Dancing. It is bound to be a splendid day out and will include a packed tea on the way there and cocktails on the return. There are plenty of seats left on the coach so come and join us, who knows we might even get to mingle with the stars if my close friend Wayne can get us backstage (he has a friend who does the wigs on Strictly). The trip is a splendid opportunity for the curious to try out naturism, especially as the coach and BBC studio promise to be well heated. If you’re interested please contact me in person (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

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(Above) Local naturist Wayne practices his dance moves at the beach in readiness for watching Strictly being filmed

Naturists Paint Balling

Hello. Your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are planning on having a summer outting to the local paint-balling centre in the woods (hopefully in July) and are looking for new members to swell our ranks. It is bound to be great fun (hopefully incident free) and a chance to make new “like minded” friends. If you’re interested please contact me in person (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

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(Above) Lionel’s close “friend” Wayne photographed after the naturists’ last paintball outing three years ago (which led to a number of arrests)

Show Your Support For Nature In All It’s Glory

Hello. This Sunday the Beckworth and Slocombe naturists will be raising funds for the scout hut roof by attempting to abseil up and down the Shard in London with the aim of raising at least £40 in sponsorship. Seven of our most adventurous members will be climbing up, with a further four are taking the lift, and all hope to slide down the high-rise building before getting arrested. We were inspired by a similar fundraiser when last year local WeightWatchers did a sponsored abseil up and down Nelsons Column, which although it ended in the hospitalisation of seven dieters and the arrest of a further eleven did raise an eye-watering £73, which they spent on scales and cakes. My close friend Wayne, who is both a dieter and a naturist is confident our attempt will go more smoothly, especially as our naked flesh should slide smoothly on the glass building. I will post photos online after the event, in the meantime please visit our website to donate… and if you’re in London on Sunday please come along, you’ll get a great view (weather permitting). Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

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(Above) The shard offers amazing views for naturists

Nude Whistling & Shouting Championships This Saturday

Hello. This Saturday your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are honoured to be hosting the 26th International Festival Of Nude Whistling And Shouting, the first time the event has been held in the UK for over 25 years. The main attraction, besides the vintage steam fair and nude brass bands, will be the final rounds of the World Nude Vocalising Championships, with contestants from as far afield as North Korea, Iran and Sheffield taking part. Meryl Streep, representing the USA, will try to retain her title in the Naked Whistling and local lad Ray Winstone says he has been training hard in the hope of toppling Nude Shouter 2013 “Sly” Sylvester Stallone, who won the event for a record three years running. Sadly nude yodelling has been dropped due to the scandal at last years’ final (held in the Vatican City, Rome) which forced an intervention by riot police and the Pope‘s own bodyguards. My close friend Wayne, himself a semi-finalist, said the reaction was very heavy handed and out of all proportion to the minor fracas in the Sistine Chapel toilets. “Arresting Helena Bonham Carter, the runner-up, was an insult to the world of yodelling and damaging to the Vatican’s reputation” he told me in the bath afterwards. This year spectators of all ages are welcome, admission is free and the venue will be the sports field, or in the case of inclement weather, the scout hut. So come along and see men and woman of all ages make very loud noises in the buff. See you there, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

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(Above) The Pope blissfully unaware of the yodelling fracas occurring in the toilets behind him meets a member of the public who’s disguised as a ghost 

Late Start For Today’s New Years’ Day Naturists Farmers’ Market & Five-A-Side Football Match

Hello, just to let you know that today’s Open Air Naturist’s farmers market will be opening at 11am today instead of the advertised 10. This is a knock on effect of my close friend Wayne needing medical attention after getting into difficulties during last night’s Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim. The mass skinny dip is a wonderful way of seeing the new year in with friends and relations but a combination of strong undercurrents and an unforseen swell meant Wayne’s new lilo sprung a puncture, depositing him very roughly back on the River Bank where he sprained his ankle and inflamed his coccyx. The under 16s St John’s Ambulance, under the supervision of Philip Schofield, were very quickly on the scene but it has meant Wayne could only limp during this morning’s New Years’ Day Naturists’ March through the town. This has slowed everybody down, hence the late opening of the market. The planned nudists’ five-a-side football match will now kick off at 2.30, weather permitting. Apologies to all, but see you in all your glory amongst the organic fruit and veg later this morning. Happy New Year, Lionel

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(Above) Beckworth’s premier nude striker Vince Poulshot get’s a dressing down from the ref and linesmen (on-duty Police) during last seasons 5-a-side friendly against the cast of Downton Abbey. He unfortunately brought the game into disrepute by getting a yellow card for manhandling the ball before the game had even commenced.

Naturist’s Day Trip To London

Hello, I hope you all enjoyed our recent trip to Alton Towers as much as I did. I had a real blast and made new friends at every turn. My close friend Wayne couldn’t resist making an exhibition of himself in the children’s sandpit! He’s such a show off, and it took some  explaining to the security guards!! Anyway, this notice is just to let you know that we are now taking deposits for the next Beckworth & Slocombe Naturist’s Big Day Out, but hurry places are limited. On August 4th we’re off to London on the train and our schedule will kick-off with a tour of Westminster Cathedral (timed to coincide with the choristers hymnal practice). Then we’re planning the following: a spin on the Eye, lunch in Pizza Hut, a trip up the Shard to take in the sights, shopping in Oxford Street (or if you prefer a dip in the Trafalgar Square fountains), followed by dinner at the swanky KFC off Leicester Square. But the icing on the cake will surely be seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (starring Johnny Depp) at Drury Lane. We’ve block booked the front row to get the best seats in the house, so everyone will get a good view. It’s a jam packed day and the all in cost, including sandwiches and soft drinks on the outward journey, is £699 including VAT. Contact me, Lionel, for details and I do hope members old and new can join us for this memorable trip. PS Suggestions of where to go for our annual naturist’s Christmas getaway gratefully received.

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(Above) Wayne Derby hanging out at Alton Towers just before his tussle with security

Naturist’s Big Weekend Away

Just a reminder that places are still available on the Beckworth & Slocombe Naturist’s Big Weekend Away. This year we’re off to Alton Towers (Saturday 1st June) and Trentham Monkey Forest (Sunday 2nd June), staying overnight at Trentham Travelodge. All the family members are welcome, especially those new to the natural ways of naturism (over 18s only). Double-rooms are still available for those who don’t mind sharing, or for the less shy there is a dormitary room. The hotel boasts a disco and there is a swimming pool for those who like a late-night skinny-dip. The all in cost, including sandwiches and soft drinks on the outward and homeward journeys, is £720 including VAT. Contact me, Lionel, for more details. So join us for a weekend without clothes or socks, it’s going to be a riot (though hopefully not a real riot like we caused a few years ago at Legoland).

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