Breaking Free School Dinners News Just In… I’ve just bumped into my slightly tipsy but trust-worthy Government source, who had plenty to share on the subject of giving poor children free food in the holidays. He revealed to me whilst staggering back from the Blind Badger that this Government would not cow-tow to left wing do-gooders and footballers and feed the nations’ hungry young. He went on to reveal that when he was young he never went hungry as he had both a nanny and a cook, both of who’m never asked for Government hand-outs like too many people do these days. Nor did he go cap in hand when he was a member of the elite Bullingdon Club alongside his best mate Boris. “Unlike the youth of today, we stood on our own two feet… And then would fall over.” he went on to add “It was our butlers and man servants that picked us up from the gutter, not the Government or local authorities.” He also blamed the media for “cooking” up a storm to distract from Covid, which the Tories have under control. Before passing out in a hedge he told me “Never before has any ruling party done so much for the poor, for instance we made sure chip shops stayed open during lockdown because that’s all the unemployed eat!” I must say I whole heartedly agree, the poor need to take responsibility for being impoverished and stop blaming BMW and Jaguar owners. It’s not our fault you’re bad with money. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Poverty Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking scientific health news just in… A slightly tipsy but trust-worthy Government source has revealed to me whilst staggering back from the Blind Badger that Covid 19 is only spreading for 12 hours a day. He went on to reveal that a scientist advisor says it’s only contagious between 10 at night and 10 in the morning, hence why pubs have been told to shut at 10pm before the infection wakes up and spreads during the night. He also said that betting offices, off-licences and strip clubs are completely Covid free which is why he’s spending so much time in them, just to keep himself and his family safe. It’s great to hear some common sense amongst all the fake news being spread by the tabloids and thank God we’ve got such a great Government in charge keeping us all safe and well. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Still Covid Free Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Autumnal Solstice news just in… Yesterday, or the day before, was officially the start of Autumn. This would normally strike fear into the hearts of Beckworth residents due to naked druids usually fornicating as the sun comes up at the ancient Hammerite standing stones. Thank God this year it didn’t happen, a spokesperson for the the Druids said most forgot, and some are self isolating due to Covid. So some good has come out of the pandemic!

They have threatened to celebrate Winter Solstice in December if we have a mild winter and aren’t in lock down again. Here’s hoping…Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Sandy news just in… This week the council accidentally dumped sand by the A434 main road near the public toilets and abbatoir. It was due to be used for some road works but local residents turned the small mound of sand into a tiny makeshift beach. News soon spread and hundreds have flocked to the area to enjoy the hot weather and sunbathe. As these visiting sun worshippers were young, unwashed and working class (if not unemployed or furloughed) no one was social distancing or wearing face masks, let alone washing their hands whilst singing happy birthday. So watch the numbers of Covid infections go up locally… I’m all for people enjoying themselves but not at the expense of others. Sainsco ran out of suncream and cheap wine so I wasn’t happy. On behalf of all tolerent, sensible Beckworth residents I say go home and take your litter and discarded underwear with you. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Stop Visitors Bringing Covid Here Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking political news just in… A slightly tipsy Chris “Failing” Grayling has just told reporters stationed all night outside his local pub that he’s not bothered about not getting the job of Head of World Security (promised to him by his life-long BBF Boris Johnson) as he’s instead going to head up the UK’s Covid response unit. He said this role suits him down to the ground, lots of TV appearances and visits to reopen pubs, bars and swanky restaurants and if he ****s up as usual the PM will cover up for him, just as he did for his other BFF Dom Cummings. In his first statement since becoming the “interim” head of Covid he sought to clear up any silly misunderstandings about whether to wear face masks in food shops or just supermarkets, Mr Grayling said “as a rule thumb, face masks, hats and gloves don’t need to be worn in any food emporium that sells caviar or sandwiches with the crusts cut off… Because the Covid disease only effects the poor and they don’t go in such high end establishments.” At last some clear guidance, thank you Sir Chris.

Breaking Sporran & Kilt News Just In… Local singing duo The Proclaimers have been apprehended by Police on the hard-shoulder of the M1 for attempting to walk 500 miles (and probably 500 more) to visit their family in Leith in Scotland, stopping off at “closed” ale houses on route. The identical twins, Reg and Rory McReid tried to claim it was a sponsored walk and therefore essential, but the boys (and girls) in blue were having none of it and fined the singers £65 each. Luckily they had enough cash in their sporrans to pay up. The twins are now hitching a lift home… Remember: PLEASE STAY HOME. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Tartan Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) Identical twin pop stars, Reg and Rory McReid