Hit & Knit Bootcamp, Apply Now

Greetings fitness fans. It’s time to limber up those knitting-needles and polish up your boxing gloves as August see’s the return of “our” highly successful Hit & Knit course. Started a few years ago by Beckworth’s very own “lady” TV tennis-commentator and horse-botherer, Clare Balding, the course seeks to give students a grounding in the mental & physical riguers of knitting combined with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Although inspired to start the classes by her heroes Eddie The Edwards Eagle and Amir Khan it was her own upbringing she drew on most as she comes from a bare-knuckle fighting dynasty. And her Great-Gran was a World famous speed knitter. In the past Clare has used Hit and Knit to successfully train the X-Factor judging panel, Prince George‘s nanny and the disgraced ex-presenters of Top Gear. In a new twist on the format, this year the course will run 24/7 for 4 weeks with all “inmates” living full-time in the gym changing rooms. Also, due to her busy schedule, Ms Balding has handed the course over to her good “friend” (and ex- Hit & Knit graduate) Michael McIntyre, ably assisted by Ms Clare’s very own Aunt Dolly. Places are limited so book early, and as the slogan says “before you can say Hit One, Purl One you’ll have made yourself a new sweater, with matching shorts, and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you!” All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £22,673 (excluding costs of materials, food and medical insurance). See you at the gym in August, Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

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(Above) Mrs Nora Balding, gearing up to assist on this years’ Hit & Knit course

Star Spot: The Pope (Again)

Hello all. For the second time this week I’ve seen the ex-Pope (John Paul George Ringo II). I was falling out of the pub early this morning after a lock-in to celebrate baby King George’s birthday when i spotted the Pontiff buying his poodle some tins of food in the corner shop. Interestingly he is now saying he’s not the ex-Pope but a semi-retired plumber called Rod. But blotto or not I know an ex-Bishop of Rome when I see one. Anyway, as a gesture of friendship I tried to ponce more cigarettes off him, but he claimed he had just given up smoking. If he wasn’t the ex-leader of The Catholic Church I’d have said the blighter was lying. All the best, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS many thanks to Leslie Warwick for the tea cosy. It is a perfect replacement for my lost balaclava

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(Above) The ex-Pope’s Poodle waits patiently outside the corner shop