Tag Archives: Clare Balding

Missing Men’s Underwear

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If anyone finds a pair of men’s “much loved” mustard coloured Y-fronts and matching vest please let me know. I think I mislaid them on the weekend and have only just realised… Or perhaps it was a week ago. I do have a vague recollection of taking them off whilst queueing at a safe two metre distance in the Sainsco carpark whilst i searched for my shopping list (which I thankfully found, otherwise I would have had an empty drinks cupboard and a completely wasted trip). I may have left them in a shopping trolley along with a one pound coin… Whilst on that subject, why does it cost so much to unchain ruddy trolleys? In my day we just had small wire baskets and were happy to have those, though it made carrying large volumes of whisky, rum, gin, vodka and peanuts quite tiresome. Anyway, I believe i may have lost them on the way home due to having recently finished a non-stop 24 hour drinks & video call with my good friends Clare Balding and Jeremy Clarkson and was feeling rather blootered. This lockdown has a lot to answer for. Not least the pubs and off-licence being shut. Anyway if you find my beloved undergarments and the trolley please return them and the £1 coin asap. I feel lost without them as they are my smartest outfit and we mustn’t let standards slip even if we can’t go out. Even to place a bet. Come to think of it they are my only outfit.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

By the way, I may have also mislaid my catalogue bride, answers to the name Marie, not seen her or the plumber in recent weeks…

Hit & Knit Bootcamp, Apply Now

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Greetings fitness fans. It’s time to limber up those knitting-needles and polish up your boxing gloves as August see’s the return of “our” highly successful Hit & Knit course. Started a few years ago by Beckworth’s very own “lady” TV tennis-commentator and horse-botherer, Clare Balding, the course seeks to give students a grounding in the mental & physical riguers of knitting combined with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Although inspired to start the classes by her heroes Eddie The Edwards Eagle and Amir Khan it was her own upbringing she drew on most as she comes from a bare-knuckle fighting dynasty. And her Great-Gran was a World famous speed knitter. In the past Clare has used Hit and Knit to successfully train the X-Factor judging panel, Prince George‘s nanny and the disgraced ex-presenters of Top Gear. In a new twist on the format, this year the course will run 24/7 for 4 weeks with all “inmates” living full-time in the gym changing rooms. Also, due to her busy schedule, Ms Balding has handed the course over to her good “friend” (and ex- Hit & Knit graduate) Michael McIntyre, ably assisted by Ms Clare’s very own Aunt Dolly. Places are limited so book early, and as the slogan says “before you can say Hit One, Purl One you’ll have made yourself a new sweater, with matching shorts, and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you!” All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £22,673 (excluding costs of materials, food and medical insurance). See you at the gym in August, Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

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(Above) Mrs Nora Balding, gearing up to assist on this years’ Hit & Knit course

Lost: Contents Of Fridge

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Good afternoon. This is a distress signal from a sprightly septuagenarian so please take note if you will. I have lost the contents of my fridge. I am not usually one to lose chilled foodstuffs and so am sure it is the job of local thieves targeting the old and vulnerable, such as myself. I could swear blind that the fridge contained food when I last looked on Tuesday afternoon just before I went out with Clare Balding, Jeremy Clarkson and other close friends to wet the Royal Baby’s head.  Now, having returned from 5 days of celebrating I find the fridge empty. I wouldn’t mind but I fancied some pork pie to help with my head and found it gone. More worrying is the theives have stolen a jug of milk which was a family heir loom (the jug not the milk). The pretty jug was a costly item recently bought from a charity shop along with a nearly new pair of M&S underpants. Anyway I am most distressed that I have nothing comestible to calm my rumblings and so will have to eat out in one of Beckworth’s many hostelries… If they’ll unbar me.  So has anyone anyone seen my food being eaten in the street by hoodies? Have you seen a half eaten boiled egg carelessly discarded in a hedge or three week old baked beans thrown on the roadside? If so please let me know or phone the police? Actually, now I look more carefully I may also have lost the fridge.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

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Have you seen this jug of milk (Above)?