Joan of Arc’s Flaming Lorry Postponed

Posted on 16/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to inform you that today’s much anticipated birthday parade is sadly being postponed, due to reasons beyound our control. Ava Berlin, who turns 101 today is feeling poorly and unable to stand for prolongued periods. Therefore, the idea of her recreating the last hours of Joan Of Arc strapped to a burning pole on an HGV lorry is a non-starter. We hope that given time to rest and regain her strength Miss Berlin will be strong enough to lead the parade next Thursday instead. Coincidentally the 23 May is actress, and local celeb, Joan Collins 90th birthday. We are hoping we may be able to get Mrs Collins up on a lorry as well, pehaps portraying ancient war lord, and deceased local celebrity, Boadicea.

Back to today, Ava hopes to be well enough later to salute the assembled crowds, and enpower her followers, from an open care-home window at around 2pm.

Also, pleased be warned; due to the lateness of the postponement tanks will be parked up on the playing fields for the next seven days. But don’t be alarmed as they are only carrying “blank” ammunition in readiness of having a 101 gun salute in Miss Berlins homour. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

101 Not Out

Posted on 14/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. This Thursday local heroine Ava Berlin will turn 101 and to celebrate we will be having a small parade in her honour, complete with military marching band, tanks and a red-arrows flypast, through the streets of Beckworth.

Ava is the World’s last surviving WW2 female pilot, winner of an Iron Cross and was for years a teacher of Chemistry and German at the high school. I’m not alone in fondly remembering how she made school more enjoyable by teaching us how to make pipe-bombs and salute the fuhrer. After bad weather and public disobedience marred Ava’s last birthday parade we thought it fitting, as she’s lasted another 12 months, to have another go. But this time, for the public’s safety, she will be mounted on the back of a truck and supporters of the far-right are banned. Although it was undoubtedly spectacular that she did a very realistic Lady Godiva impersonation galloping on horseback through Beckworth, the police say this year they can’t spare the troops to keep order.
So come and see Miss Berlin recreating the last hours of Joan Of Arc on a lorry from 2pm, weather and kindling permitting. She will also be stopping at the public toilets on route to cut her birthday cake and “rest,” should anyone wish to take close-up photos. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Terry Nutkin Statue In Miniature

Posted on 09/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. After a very well attended public meeting the other week, regarding design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue, a very artistic statue was chosen. Created by famed artist, disc-jockey and local celeb Chris Evans, the statue will stand 10ft tall, be made of recycled brass and sit on a stone plinth (the idea of a memorial fountain having been rejected at an earlier council meeting due to worries about vagrant’s bathing). If you missed the meeting you can view a miniature of the statue (I learnt at the meeting that a little pretend statue like this is called a maquette) in the entrance hall of The Town Hall, open daily between 8.30 and 5. The real statue should take about 9 months to make so we’re hopefully looking at a March 2014 unveiling. I am confident it will become a major tourist attraction just as the Mother Teresa Memorial Bus Shelter has done.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) A detail of the chosen Nutkin statue design

Fish Past The Post

Posted on 06/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Well, I think we’d all agree that a wonderful morning was had by all who attended today’s Beckworth MayDay Fish Race on a fast-flowing River Winnet, it was certainly a nail biting race. After a stewards inquiry the winner was declared to be Norma, a thoroughbred pike raced by the Neston family stables. If you’re inspired to race your own fish, you’ve got 365 training days until next years race. G.Grimsby. Mayor

Fish Races. Plaice Your Bets

Posted on 04/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Remember that this Monday it’s the Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, and today is the last day to have a flutter. Go on treat yourself. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

PS A note to competitors: Just to clarify, although sharks are fish they are banned from the competition. Who can forget the race of 2005 when a shark called Norman won because he had eaten the rest of the “field”.

A Small Step For Man, A Big Step For Mankind

Posted on 03/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Adhering to our policy of no politics on this site I have not previously commented on yesterdays council elections, but I thought everyone would want to know the outcome as it effects us all. Sense won out and we now have a majority Uskip run council. Congratulations to all parties on an almost smear free campaign. G.Grimsby. Mayor

Bank Holiday Fish Races

Posted on 02/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Remember that this bank holiday Monday brings with it the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. A fun morning for all the family, but please remember to keep all cats indoor. We want to avoid last years fiasco whereby the competition favourite was eaten by a ginger tom before the race was even under starters orders.

Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 11 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local celeb, and TV’s favourite brick-layer, Nick Knowles (himself a big fan of fish).

Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

French Market: A Success Despite Wind & Merde

Posted on 30/04/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Thank you to all those who attended the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market), you made it a roaring success, and for once there was no fighting. Congratulations to Eva Bicester, who was crowned Miss Garlic 2013 between downpours, and to local celeb Noel Edmunds, who put on a wonderful display of aerial dexterity despite losing two kites due to strong winds. A big thanks goes to the waste operatives who cleared up all the horse s*** from the scout hut after all the historical re-enactors had buggered off to the pub.

G. Grimsby. Mayor

Public Meeting: Proposed Terry Nutkin Statue

Posted on 30/04/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, just a reminder that this Thursday there is a public meeting to unveil design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue. Please come and attend to help us choose the winning design. Venue: The John & Yoko Room, The Town Hall. Doors open 7.30 sharp. Refreshments and veggie nibbles will be on sale.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) One of the proposed Nutkin statue designs (by local artist Benedict Cumberbatch)

French Market Today

Posted on 28/04/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

I’m looking forward to seeing you all at today’s french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market). We have one slight change to the schedule; due to The Sports Field being water-logged the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will now be staging the Battle Of Agincourt (complete with borrowed horses) in the scout hut.

So Merci to one and all, Mayor Gary Grimsby

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Town Council