Show the one you love how much you care this Easter. Forget your sad hot cross buns and chocolate eggs, have a kebab delivered instead… We will deliver all you need for Easter, safely through your letter box, and for the lowly price of £39.99 per kebab (including delivery). Stay well, stay home. Khristos Knossos, Knossos Kebabs
(Above) An artist’s impression of a hot cross kebab being carefully delivered
Hello my locked flock. This is a reminder that today’s Easter Sunday service will start at around 2.30pm so I have time to first have a slap-up lunch. My “house mate” Nigel Havers has promised to cook it and I can’t wait (there is no end to this man’s talents!). I would still like to receive Easter eggs and treats from you for my sterling community service, so please leave them in the vicarage porch and Nigel will bring them inside for me. Please remember my favourites are Flake Eggs and those very large expensive Belgian ones, as the saying goes a “religious army marches on it’s stomach!” and i’m it’s captain. Or general. …. Nigel and I plan to have an egg hunt this evening, so need a lot of eggs! He’s very good at finding things so I need to get better at hiding!!!!! By the way, as with all the recent services I will be performing online only via the internet. I must admit i’d like to continue this way of giving religious solace post-Lock down. I takes far less time and I’m relishing not having to deal with people in person. Have wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you this afternoon afternoon.
May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths
(Above) An artist’s impression of the vicars egg hunt
Hello radio fans. A huge thanks to those who listened to this weekend’s online radio show on www.madwaspradio.com, below is this week’s playlist.
The show is on twice weekly, 7pm Fridays (GMT) and 10am Saturdays (GMT) and you can also listen to the shows anytime at your leisure, just search for me Inmate B42359 on Soundcloud.com. And please remember my knowledge hungry cellmate Len is looking for music related queries for his Listerpedia slot on the show, email those to studio@madwaspradio.com
Keep yourselves well, and if you like the show please spread the word. Inmate B42359
01 The Band’s A-Rockin’ – Johnnie Lee Wills
02 Dreamland (feat. Years & Years - Pet Shop Boys
03 The National Bird of India - Isobel Campbell
04 Wonder of Birds - The Innocence Mission
05 Magazin - White Denim
06 More Days ‘Til Summer - Lenny Kravitz
07 Left To Roll - Smoke Fairies
09 Love Again - Rae Morris
10 Empire - Palace Winter
11 I Feel Free - Cream
12 Mr Dobolina - Del Tha Funky Homosapien
13 Angel - Sub Sub
14 Big Mouth - A Girl Called Eddy
15 Bell-Bottom Trousers - Kay Kyser v/Ferdy,Slim,Quartet
Please scroll down to find previous show playlists
I trust you are all enjoying the wonderful lockdown Easter weather and despite keeping two feet apart are in fine fettle, taking in the vapours of spring through slightly opened windows and awaiting the partaking of chocolate comestibles…
As you will no doubt have marked clearly on your calendars Easter Monday is Beckworth School’s annual cycle race meeting of the institution’s alumni. But due to lockdown we can’t have the race at the 17th century velodrome so we are going to somehow race online. I’ll admit I have no idea what that means, my Grandson Victor (who’s typing this) says it involves computers, which I don’t possess. He also says all entrants will be filmed riding around the grounds of their stately piles and their times compared to find a winner… As I don’t own a film crew I will have to be absent from all racing, which will give other riders a sporting chance. But due to this inhumane lockdown the winner’s cups and medals will stay in my possession for another year. Or longer.
Yours Sir T.T. “Wonky” Windsor. President. Beckworth School Old Boys
Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your gorgeous fine-boned mentor Prof Brian Cox here, and for the second or third time this week i am attempting to answer a religious question (in future let’s stick to science)… Today i’ve been asked “why is Good Friday so good?” Once again I tried ringing the vicar to get his insight, but I fear he may be screening his calls, so i’ve relied on the internet to answer this. That did throw up some total rubbish, such as it was originally God’s Friday (with no explanation why God thought to take this Friday for himself). But I wasn’t put off and the answer I thought most likely is that it’s actually a misspelling and shortening of Leftover Food Friday. If you saw my post about Maundy Thursday you’ll know that the Thursday before Easter the Christian leader Jesus had a few friends over to his house for dinner, wine and a knees-up… Then, the next morning he rustled up a rather splendid brunch using the leftovers, and the original “leftovers” name was born. It is also believed one of the dishes he cooked was a rather good omelette, which is why we give eggs… God knows when it became Good Friday (although it is a rather good day), and why are the eggs now chocolate? With in my mind i’m going to go online to order some large Belgian eggs, yum. Keep well, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello my lock-down flock. May I wish you all a very happy Easter and invite you to today’s virtual Good Friday family service, at 5pm this afternoon. Despite social distancing and staying home I will try to lead as “normal” a service as is possible from my kitchen, for instance If you can hold any animals up to your computer screen I will attempt my traditional a blessing of baby chicks and lambs. Followed by communion with wine and Hot Cross Buns, my “housemate” Nigel and I are getting through plenty of both! Sadly we have decided to postpone our annual St Faith’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday Sports Day and not attempt an online version as not all religions are blessed with good wi-fi. I am still accepting easter eggs for the hunt, which Nigel hopes to film on his phone, though we may do this on Sunday not today as there is some great telly on this evening. Monday’s mass and blind-fold egg and spoon race through the grave yard is also cancelled, as Nigel and I would like a lie in and a lazy day. I trust we will see you at ALL of at today’s service. Happy Easter and may your onloine God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths
Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your devilishly handsome mentor Prof Brian Cox here, and I have to admit, that for the first time one of your questions has completely stumped me. I do have a good excuse in that it’s not a scientific question but rather a religious one… But normally I know everything so am perturbed I can’t answer. The question that’s thwarted me is “why on earth is Maundy Thursday so named?” My first port of call was online but that threw up total rubbish, although it did inform me that the day is in remembrance of the Christian’s leader, Jesus, having a “last” supper for some friends and for some reason instead of washing their hands before eating he cleaned his guests feet… And bizarrely I can find no scientific reason for doing sot! Anyway, the Thursday bit of the name is obviously because the meal was on the evening before Friday morning, but I found no hint of what Maundy means? I even tried ringing our local vicar but he didn’t answer nor does he have an answerphone or email address… So I am flummoxed and can only only guess it’s a misspelling, perhaps of laundry Thursday or quandary Thursday (apt if Jesus didn’t know what to cook). And on that note i’m going to have a zoom call with my good friend Boy George, perhaps he’ll know the origin of the name? Keep well, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello my flock. Please accept my apology that this morning’s Maundy Thursday service has been delayed until 4p today. I must admit I completely forgot and had a lie in after a glorious, booze fuelled game of spin the bottle last night with my “house mate” Nigel Havers. It was most enlightening I can tell you! Now i am risen like the Lord I need a shave, a hearty lunch, clean cassock and a nap to be up to standard for the service, which will take place online. Due to social distancing I am asking all my congregation to wash their feet just as Jesus did. Have wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all tomorrow afternoon at 4pm. Or thereabouts.
May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths
If anyone finds a pair of men’s “much loved” mustard coloured Y-fronts and matching vest please let me know. I think I mislaid them on the weekend and have only just realised… Or perhaps it was a week ago. I do have a vague recollection of taking them off whilst queueing at a safe two metre distance in the Sainsco carpark whilst i searched for my shopping list (which I thankfully found, otherwise I would have had an empty drinks cupboard and a completely wasted trip). I may have left them in a shopping trolley along with a one pound coin… Whilst on that subject, why does it cost so much to unchain ruddy trolleys? In my day we just had small wire baskets and were happy to have those, though it made carrying large volumes of whisky, rum, gin, vodka and peanuts quite tiresome. Anyway, I believe i may have lost them on the way home due to having recently finished a non-stop 24 hour drinks & video call with my good friends Clare Balding and Jeremy Clarkson and was feeling rather blootered. This lockdown has a lot to answer for. Not least the pubs and off-licence being shut. Anyway if you find my beloved undergarments and the trolley please return them and the £1 coin asap. I feel lost without them as they are my smartest outfit and we mustn’t let standards slip even if we can’t go out. Even to place a bet. Come to think of it they are my only outfit.
Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)
By the way, I may have also mislaid my catalogue bride, answers to the name Marie, not seen her or the plumber in recent weeks…
Hello Beckworth. This is your “now i’m getting tough” leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that, having taken Police advice I have decided to close all our parks and green spaces. Yesterday thousands of young, middle-aged and old people who should know better literally flooded the local parks, no doubt putting themselves and others at risk. Please stay home. Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) An artists impression of Beckworth’s locked park gates