Local Tourist Attraction Re-Opens

Posted on 11/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. Just a reminder that the town is expecting an influx of tourists next week when Beckworth’s premier attraction Derek Peculiar’s House Of Peculiarities reopens after a five-year £155 refurb. Mr Derek’s nephew, Hugh Grant, will reopen his dead Uncle’s life work on Monday, with free entry for the first two punters. So he’s execting quite a queue. Welder and amateur psychic Mr Peculiar originally opened the “museum of the strange” in 1975 to share his collection of odd things from around the world with the public. The repainted wooden house will once again give pride of place to showcasing his unique collection of scale models made from elastic bands. I can’t wait to visit on Monday. Or another day if I’m busy watching day time telly. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information

(Above) Hugh Grant looks forward to reopening his Uncle’s World famous House Of Peculiarities next week

Planners Say An Emphatic Yes! Yes! To New Factory

Posted on 10/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Good morning to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are delighted to announce that planners have approved the demolition of the 12th century Slocombe Priory to make way for a new factory, creating dozens of jobs locally for the expected influx of foreign workers. The new manufacturing site will be built and operated by Paxmans to build their popular “personal hygene” products, in particular their best selling “Vag-O-Vac” and must have “3-speed vibrating “hair” trimmer with genital massager” the Yes! Yes!. A spokesperson for the company said that tax breaks and bribes had incentified the move from China and they were gagging to get started as the UK market for “sexual hygene” was potentially huge. We at the guild are thrilled that Beckworth and it’s environs are at the forefront of a new “adult-orientated” industrial revolution, all thank’s to enlightened Tory policies. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) The world famous Yes! Yes! as advertised on daytime TV and in downmarket newspapers is soon to be made near Beckworth

Annual Fan Convention This Weekend

Posted on 09/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. A reminder for your diary; this weekend Beckworth is hosting the second annual News At Ten fan convention. The two-day event is once again being held in the scout hut and this year will be opened by ITV newsreader Julie Etchingham (I’ve no idea who she is but i’m told she is well know to some fans). Attractions at the event will be book signings and selfies with newsreaders of old, even Natasha Kaplinsky has promised to attend as her autobiography is selling poorly. There will also be a pop-up shop selling News At Ten DVDs, a cocktail bar and and the chance to win dinner at McDonalds with Fiona Bruce and Trevor McDonald. Sounds unmissable to anyone with a passing interest in the news. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information

(Above) Mrs J. Etchingham clearly looks delighted at the thought of attending this weekends’ fan convention

Funeral Director’s Open Day

Posted on 03/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday one of our local undertakers (Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors) will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Bone-idle job-seekers who attend are promised hands-on experience, and they can even bring their nearest and dearest. Activities at the openday will include hearse maintainance; grave digging; grave-stone carving; coffin carrying and lowering; condolence giving; and best of all cadaver embalming and dressing. It’s bound a thrilling day out for all the family and there will be tea and biscuits; coffin-testing for the elderly and, weather permitting, for the under-fives a ball-pool in a recently dug grave. It really will be a wonderful day, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

(Above) Local grave-digger Jeremy Kyle Snr prepares a grave for Friday’s open day

Take Your Clothes Off For Road Safety

Posted on 02/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. In a couple of weeks, on the Sunday 14th June, your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are sending a crack team to the World Naked Bike Ride that’s happening in Brighton. The event is to highlight cycling safety issues and expose the general public to the joy of riding in the nude. Exciting news is we still have some seats available on the coach. We’ll be setting off early on Sunday morning, with a pit stop “nude breakfast” arranged at services on the A23, and a “naked pub dinner” at a Harvester on the way back. So if you are a keen cyclist (with your own bike) itching to go nude this is the day trip for you, and your family. The coach will cost £175 per person (children £115) with meals and drinks extra. I hope to see you on the coach, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

Warren’s Back Tonight

Posted on 01/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Televisual news just in… A third series of the BAFTA award winning children’s docudrama Warren In My Sporran (produced by local TV company Livingstone Productions for BBC Scotland and repeated on Dave) starts this evening at 6.30. For those of you who’ve missed the previous series Daniel Day Lewis stars as Warren, a deminutive adult vagrant who lives in the sporran of young Highland’s boy Angus MacDonald. The latter character was originally played by Ronnie Corbett but for this series he is replaced by Rupert Grint of Harry Potter fame. The episodes follow Warren’s hilarious adventures in and out of Angus’s kilt, with many scenes shot in and around Beckworth. I can’t wait to see it, i’m a big fan and have got series 1 and 2 on DVD! Christine Batley. Chief Television & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) (Above) Method actor Daniel Day Lewis stars as the small tramp Warren who makes his home in young Angus MacDonald’s sporran

Birthday Parade This Sunday

Posted on 27/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a reminder that this weekend’s Joan Collins’s Birth Day Parade will be slighter shorter than hoped due to the roadworks on Madonna Lane. Anyone hoping to catch this spectacle in it’s entirety should arrive early, at 9.30am by the library steps, where the the floats will set off. Or greet the parade at it’s conclusion at 9.45am in the drive-thru MacDonalds. Birthday girl Joan Collins (92 years young) will be dressing as a Ronald MacDonald due to a sponsorship deal. We are hoping the Red Arrow’s will perform a flypast and that army general, and local celeb, Ross Kemp will be able to overcome a recent illness to lead the floats and marching band on his bicycle. See you there, weather permitting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Joan Collins tries on her costume in readiness for Sunday

Karma Sutra In The Deli

Posted on 27/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. This coming Friday the Europe’s favourite “sexually explicit” naked mime company Kama Sutra will be performing their new show Fifty Shades Of Grey in the recently repainted deli on the high street. It’s a four-hour show and is bound to be a must-see for the whole (sexually enlightened) family. Best of all it’s free, if you buy something from the cheese counter! Get there early as their shows are usually packed out, and often get stopped mid-performance by the police. We’re expecting bigger than usual interest since they auditioned, but weren’t shown on TV, for this years Britain’s Got Talent. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information

(Above) Catch Karma Sutra by the Red Leicester this Friday

Home Exhibition Opens This Weekend

Posted on 20/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Good morning to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are delighted to announce that this weekends Home Of Ideals exhibition will be opened on Saturday morning by national treasure, and Channel 4 DIY expert, Kevin McCloud. This is the first time that Beckworth has been honoured with hosting the annual home improvement show and in preparation the diminutive town centre exhibition venue has been thoroughly cleaned and the boy’s toilets unblocked. Mr Kevin will declare the show open at 9am and ticket price is £25. Kev says is he is very excited that the show has come “home” to the Beckworth scout hut and sports field “venue” as he spent many a happy hour whittling there as a cub in the town. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(above) Kevin McCloud readys himself for the grand exhibition opening

Christian Randy Is Back By Popular Demand

Posted on 19/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news for all the religious music fans out there as Randy, the country’s “number two” sexually-deviant wooden “friend of Jesus” (as recently voted for on BBC Radio 2) is back. This Friday night he’ll be performing his hits at Beckworth’s number one real ale venue and will be joined on stage by his relatives (and amateur ventriloquists) Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely. Randy’s Uncle is said to be well rested after three months spent at Her Majesty’s pleasure and says the threesome are looking forward to getting our bank holiday started with a real Christian swing. The born-again hitmaker’s are promising to sing all of their “C of E” cover versions and a few new surprise songs that Len learnt in prison. They will also be signing copies of their recently deleted debut album Do You Know Jesus?, and have some T-shirts and underwear to flog. It’s only a £7.50 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is Mary’s Magical May Hem. Warning: If you don’t like people singing about Our Lord then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings