Cockney Tribute Act Performing Tonight

Posted on 03/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news for all the fans of jellied-eels, cockney music and out of tune pianos, as the UK’s eighth best Chas & Dave tribute act will be performing in Beckworth tonight. The act, aptly named Ches & David, will be performing the real duo’s two hits but promise to liven things up with a few surprises including some mime, juggling and lots of anecdotes about appearing on Masterchef and being extremely famous. In an email David Mitchell, the act’s “joanna player” (pianist), told me that he and his East End singing partner Ches (Chesney Hawkes) have been rehearsing for a couple of hours and are very excited to be performing, especially as the pub is paying them in crisps and lemonade. It’s only £9.50 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is Where Is Sue Perkins When You Need Her. Warning: If you don’t like D-List celebrities singing in poorly “put-on” East London accents and going all “Mary Poppins” then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above) Musical mockneys Chesney & David rehearsing their moves earlier today

Local Lad On Centre Court Today

Posted on 01/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Sports news… Don’t forget to watch Wimbledon on telly today as our (only) local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford is playing on Centre Court. He is playing young Columbian hopeful Santiago Giraldo and after Corky’s amazing trouncing of Andy Murray last year it promises to be a riveting match. Although he is almost-completely blind, 91 year old Lionel is the second oldest ranked tennis player in the world (ranked 631) and plays by sense of smell only. He only took up the game upon retirement and when interviewed last year modest Mr Deptford put his extraordinary win over Mr Murray down to the wonder of drugs like viagra, a red meat diet, having a lot of sex and the fact that due to some injury or other Mr Andy was “absolutely useless” on the day. Fingers crossed Corky has similar luck again and annihilates Giraldo today, it would be wonderful to see him in the final. Stranger things have happened! Christine Batley. Chief Tennis From Wimbledon Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Corky warming up at Wimbledon earlier today’

The Scouts & Guides On Parade

Posted on 26/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all, just a reminder that this Sunday the local scout and guide troupes will be marching to and from the church in memory of scout founder Enoch “Baden” Powell. It’s almost three hundred years since local politician Mr Baden started his “brown-shirt” scout movement in his garden shed and as is traditional we are honoured to have head of the scouts Bob Geldof once again leading the parade.

See you Sunday. Thanks Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader

(Above) The Patron Saint of Scouting, Sir Bob-A-Job Geldof

Strike Warning

Posted on 24/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just thought i’d let forewarn you all that the council’s IT department is due to have it’s annual strike around the 24th July. This year’s strike has been agreed with management as staff are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all weekday afternoons. We are a very fair employer but this demand is not really feasible as neither of the IT-ers have internet at home, although they do have Sky, paid for by the council (negotiated during last year’s strike). Also the IT duo already “work” Friday afternoons from home so they can enjoy both lunch time and happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. So, we’re hoping to go to arbitration in early August to resolve this year’s IT strike amicably and quickly. Sorry in advance for any inconvenience caused, G. Grimsby. Mayor

Ancient Art Object Dug Up

Posted on 24/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Those of you with an interest in history, and art, will be thrilled at the news of a pre-historic artifact found by local gardener Alan Titmarsh that is likely to be put on display in the library. Mr Alan was tending his plums at the allotments yesterday when he inadvertently dug up a rusted and twisted metal object, which at first sight he thought to be old railings. Luckily instead of selling the metal to eastern European scrap dealers he called in the experts. Beckworth’s Historical Society. And, although we haven’t had the finding carbon dated yet, we are as pleased as punch to announce that the metal is hundreds of thousands of years old (if not millions) and is most likely a crude bronze-age sculpture. Probably of a horse. Or at a push a very ropey goat. It’s amazing to think it’s been safely buried under the allotments since dinosaurs roamed through Beckworth looking for people to eat. The sculpture needs a damn good clean and a bit of repair work but it’s a very important find. Mr Alan is thrilled at the find although it’s not his first whilst gardening. Just last year he found an old Roman wrought-iron garden-gate under his spuds which he sold to the British Museum. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

(Above) The sculpture of a horse. Or Goat. Dug up by a local gardener yesterday

MidSummer Madness At Maccy D’s When Drunk Druids Damage The Drive-In

Posted on 22/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

News Just In… Beckworth’s summer solstace celebrations sadly took a turn for the worst yesterday and ended in a number of arrests. All was going swimmingly; families of nude pagans saw the sun rise at the Hammerite Stones as they have for centuries, then spent the day dancing naked through the stones, enjoying animal sacrifice, watching the Beckworth Bothamers performing morris dances and skinny dipping with horses and cattle in the river. There was the traditional “marriage” of Beckworth’s Maiden In White to the Old Slocombe Codger and in the evening the burning of a wicker effigy of the Old Dick of Beckworth. Mummers enacted mystery plays for 18 hours non-stop and music was performed by local naturist folk bands with an acoustic Status Quo stripping off to headline. But when the sun set above the stones all hell broke loose. A gang of hungry naturist Druids descended on the 22hr McDonalds drive-thru and caused tens of pounds worth of damage. They then refused to leave until the restaurant promised to stop selling meat products and become a purely vegetarian outlet. Police were called and promptly arrived two hours later, whereupon the naughty naked pagans were locked in the cells overnight “for their own safety”. They are due up in court later today, so I’ll keep you posted on this most heinous of hate crimes. Christine Batley. Chief Naked Nutters Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A hungover Druid pictured earlier today whilst awaiting his/her day in court

Celebrate The Longest Father’s Day With A Kebab

Posted on 21/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hey you lucky people, we’ve just remembered that today Is both Father’s Sunday and the “longest day” so we will be staying opening extra late to cater for the after-the-pubs-shut clientelle. We’ll be offering a one day only all you can eat offer (from the salad bowl only) for all father’s purchasing a large donar kebab, large fries and a greek beer. Also, after 9.30 tonight we’ll be putting on a strip show and have some greek music playing to really make the day extra special. All for just £24.99. At this crazy price why go anywhere else? So sons and daughters bring all your father’s, and grandfathers. See you later.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs

BBC Announce Inspired Money-Saving Idea

Posted on 18/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

News Just In… The BBC have just announced their latest cost-cutting plans which will enable them to save a few pounds here and there but most importantly boost Chris Evans’ wages. The most enterprising idea is to pool resources by combining some of their most successful programmes, thus halving the number of staff needed… The first channel to see these improvements will be BBC1 where daytime programming will this summer roll out some very special new series. Announced today are Pointless Doctors, Bargain In The Country, Breakfast In The Attic, and News Under The Hammer. I can’t wait to see these as i spend most of my working day watching telly… and more are due to be announced in the next week or so. Christine Batley. Chief Addicted To Day Time TV Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The BBC’s highest paid star Mr Chris Evans appears delighted on hearing his pay rise is secure thanks to savings to made elsewhere in the corporation

Celebrate Magna Carta With The Under-Fives & A Beer

Posted on 15/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

This is a message to all of you who like to get drunk whilst viewing great historical articles… And after waiting weeks for one alcoholic celebration to come along, we actually have two at once. For today we will be raising a glass or five to honour the Magna Carta, which was first printed locally 800 years (by Ye Pronto Printe) and is now on view at our local nursery school on the “projects desk”. And secondly we’re supporting today’s International Beer Day. To mark both occasions your friendliest ale house will be hosting a day long beer tasting within a marquee in the kindergarten school yard. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above) A pocket-sized copy of the Magna Carta, currently on loan from the British Library to Beckworth Nursery School’s Show & Tell

Star Spot

Posted on 14/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

I’ve just seen the animated stars of The Simpsons queuing up to use the pop-up urinals in the high street. It’s not everyday you see cartoon characters relieving themselves, but it just shows the realism that goes into the show. The drawn actors looked exhausted, even their yellow skin and Marge‘s colourful hair looked faded, which shows how hard they must work on the programme. Word on the street is they are filming an episode where Homer moves to Beckworth having temporarily left the family home and taken up with an English whore. Thank you, Alan

(Above) The Simpsons kindly pose for a photo whilst waiting patiently to use the loo

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings