SOBS Story – One Year On

Hello. Sorry for disturbing you but I thought you would like to know how the year long campaign to Save Our British Sausage has been going. No doubt you will remember that my fellow UK butchers and I were prompted to start campaigning when our useless Government, Brussels and political correctness went mad and declared that our good old as “English as hayfever” sausages MUST now contain at least a 40% imported meat content. Our hand-made sausages don’t even have 25% meat in them, so we didn’t see how that would work. And due to previous “media scares” they declared we’re no longer allowed to make them from horses. Or donkeys. Or dogs. The banger is vital part of an Englishman’s everyday healthy diet, it’s probably on of our five a day and worth fighting for. But despite some of us butchers literally fighting MPs the English sausage is still under attack from self-appointed, BMW driving, white wine drinking, pasta eating, johnny foreigner food safety officials from across the channel. But we have not rested this last 12 months; we presented a petition of 53 signatures to the copper on the door of number 10 Downing Street, got on the BBC‘s One Show and were mentioned once in The Sun, in a story about English butchers getting arrested on a ferry to Brussels. We are a traditional British butchers and have been proud to make meat-stuffs from Grand National winners over 150 years. So please join us in standing up for a great traditional meal, stand up for Britishness, stand up for the Queen, and let’s give Johnny MEP a black eye or two. To show your support use “Direct Action” and boycott supermarket sausages, then buy all your British Sausage from our shop. David, Tony and Shawn Bradford. Bradford’s the Butchers. UKIP Supporters

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Le Bon Shop Set To Close

Good morning to you. We at the trade guild are saddened to announce that national treasure Simon Le Bon will be closing his shop recently opened Beckworth high street shop, Le BonMarche. Mr Simon faced opposition to his shop from the start when short sighted nimbys decried him knocking down the Grade 1 listed Kitty’s Bakery to build his wonderful emporium. No doubt Mr Bon’s band Culture Club will be giving him a hand at the closing down sale, that is if they can stop singing Do You Really Want To Hurt Me.  Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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(above) A visibly upset Simon LeBon is supported by his band-mates (who also worked as part-time shelf stackers) earlier today

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The North South Divide In The General Election

News Just In… Your votes have been cast, counted and recounted twice but we can now announce the local results in the General Election. Labour have held on to the safe seat of Beckworth North and the Conservatives have taken Beckworth South from the poor old LibDems. UKIP and the Green Party did very well in the northern ward but lost their deposits elsewhere. The Tories retained Crewbury and Slocombe making this part of the county almost exclusively right-wing. Christine Batley. Chief General Election Results Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

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Voting Today

Hello. Just a reminder that voting in the general election today will take place in two polling stations. The scout hut for the ward of Beckworth South and the visitors centre at the nuclear power station for Beckworth North. And don’t forget to put your cross in the box marked UKIP. Many thanks, G. Grimsby. Mayor

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The Green’s Show Their True Colours

Breaking news… This morning on a visit to the marginal constituency of Beckworth South the Green Party showed how public transport would look if they get into Number 10. In a selfless act of coalition the green’s leader Caroline Lucas gave opposition leaders a lift into town after both their tour buses had broken down with punctures (mysteriously nails were found on the road). I’ll keep you posted on all the hot political news as it happens… Christine Batley. Chief Political Puncture Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Caroline Lucas gives a lift to the LibDem’s Nick Clegg and UKIP’s Nigel Farrage

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Mr Milliband Gets Caught Short

Breaking news… Poor Ed Milliband had to cut short his election campaigning visit to Beckworth today. This was due to a visit to Slocombe’s pasty factory taking longer than planned. An aide told me in the strictest confidence that after sampling the savoury delights poor Mr Ed had to spend over an hour in the toilet of his campaign bus thus curtailing his visit to our town. A similar visit made by the SNP leader earlier in the day had the same lavatorial outcome which meant poor Ms Nicola Sturgeon had to bypass Beckworth all together. On a brighter note our very own 99p stores sold Mr Milliband a job lot of very cheap “shop soiled” toilet roll which he was overjoyed with. Christine Batley. Chief Political Tummy Upset Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Mr Milliband getting to grips with a pasty shortly before it got it’s “revenge”

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Mr Cameron Gets Caught Talking Cobblers

Breaking News… On a flying visit to secure the votes in the marginal seat of Beckworth South, Prime Minister David Cameron today revealed the real love of his life… And it isn’t Sam or politics. Mr Prime Minister let his passion for shoes, and more specifically shoe-re-soling, out of the bag. On his walkabout through the town Mr David popped into Beckworth’s very own shoe menders, Gobbler’s The Cobblers, earlier today and was overheard talking in raptures about rubber soles and blakeys. The PM was heard saying to Herman Gobbler, head cobbler, that ever since he was a young boy footwear has fascinated him. He allegedly went on to say that when he stops being prime minister he hopes to retrain as shoe-repairer… or failing that work in a shoe shop. You heard it here first! Christine Batley. Chief Sole Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) David Cameron pointing out the skillfulness of shoe-repairs earlier today

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Advance Warning: Street Closures Tomorrow

Hello. Just to say that the high street, near the Undertakers, and Madonna Lane will be partially closed tomorrow when the hustings descend on our town. Labour‘s Ed Milliband, Conservative “Diddy” Dave Cameron and the SNP‘s Nicola Sturgeon have all decided to visit the marginal seat of Beckworth South on the same day. We all clearly remember the parties doing the same back in 2010 when it decended into chaos as Gordon Brown offered Mr Cameron “out”. Let’s hope this time the politicians can control themselves better. The LibDem‘s Nick Clegg and UKIP‘s Nigel Farrage are due to visit on Wednesday but as we’re expecting a low turn out of support we’re not closing any roads that day. many thanks G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) An artists’s impression of what tomorrow’s road closure could look like

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Come & Spend A Traditional MayDay With The Beckworth Bothamers

Tomorrow is Mayday, so why not spend it with your local Morris Dancers, The Beckworth Bothamers. As is tradition we’ll be dancing on the common from midday and then performing a drunken pub crawl from 6pm. Other attractions during the day will be The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors dancing around the Maypole in Victorian dress, Daisy Chain making classes with Fern Brittan, a jumble sale and the crowning of the May Queen (Or thanks to equal opportunities, May King). Bring the whole family for some wholesome Spring fun. Thanking You. Clifford Pinner. The Beckworth Bothamers

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(Above) The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors practice Victorian Maypole dancing in readiness for Mayday

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Local Antique Lady’s Fish Win’s May Day Race

Hello. I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race as much as I. Even having some Green Party pranksters throwing washing powder into the river (some sort of demonstration about water polution) hardly delayed the race. The protestors were caught by angered locals before they could do too much damage and there weren’t too many people taken to A&E. Congratulations to local lass, and antique TV presenter, Fiona Bruce whose pet sturgeon, Nicola, won the race in an almost record time. It was the first time Fiona and Nicola the Sturgeon had raced in the event, so well done. Fiona stated that a daily swim in the bath followed by a treat of a cup of hot chocolate had really paid off with Nicola. Well done to all. G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) A clearly delighted Fiona Bruce with her race-winning pet sturgeon Nicola

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