Hello, its hard to believe that we are now on day five of our very dangerous, lama escape dilema. Siege mentality is gripping those residents of the town who know about Fern Britton‘s fugitive lamas (“The Jackson Three”) and I am honoured to be the first to tell you that one of the 3 hairy runaways has been “taken out.” After two sightings near the Fruit Sellers Arms pub, word spread like wild fire and one of those inside the pub, enjoying a shandy and pork-scratchings, was have-a-go hero and local celeb (and also brother of Spandau Ballet’s Gary Kemp) Ross Kemp. Armed with only a beer mat, Ross ran out of the pub, leaving his unfinished half pint without any regard for his own safety, and rugby-tackled the smallest of the lamas by the postbox. Whilst knocking it to the ground and writhing around a lot, the other two cowardly camelid accomplices fled the scene. The young lama died in Ross’s tender embrace and has been formally identified by Mrs Britton’s in-house lama identifier, Doris Palmer, as being two-year old female lama, Janet Jackson (all the lamas at Fern Britton’s lama farm are named after her favourite 1970s and 80s pop and rock artists).

Ross Kemp was quoted after the incident as saying “did anyone get that on video?” before returning to his refreshing drink and telling anyone who would listen about his animal-capture heroics. So encouragingly, that’s one lama down, two to go. Please keep a look out for the hairy triumvirate, and let me know if you see them (Fern’s too busy to be contacted today as she like’s to spend Sundays sipping cocktails and seeing if she’s been mentioned in the papers). Who knows, maybe you’ll witness a half-cut Ross Kemp take out the other lamas before more loss of human life. Thanks for your time and let’s all encourage Mr Kemp to get out there and fight, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator