Tag Archives: Labour

The North South Divide In The General Election

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News Just In… Your votes have been cast, counted and recounted twice but we can now announce the local results in the General Election. Labour have held on to the safe seat of Beckworth North and the Conservatives have taken Beckworth South from the poor old LibDems. UKIP and the Green Party did very well in the northern ward but lost their deposits elsewhere. The Tories retained Crewbury and Slocombe making this part of the county almost exclusively right-wing. Christine Batley. Chief General Election Results Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

Mr Milliband Gets Caught Short

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Breaking news… Poor Ed Milliband had to cut short his election campaigning visit to Beckworth today. This was due to a visit to Slocombe’s pasty factory taking longer than planned. An aide told me in the strictest confidence that after sampling the savoury delights poor Mr Ed had to spend over an hour in the toilet of his campaign bus thus curtailing his visit to our town. A similar visit made by the SNP leader earlier in the day had the same lavatorial outcome which meant poor Ms Nicola Sturgeon had to bypass Beckworth all together. On a brighter note our very own 99p stores sold Mr Milliband a job lot of very cheap “shop soiled” toilet roll which he was overjoyed with. Christine Batley. Chief Political Tummy Upset Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth-Ed Miliband with Pasty

(Above) Mr Milliband getting to grips with a pasty shortly before it got it’s “revenge”

Advance Warning: Street Closures Tomorrow

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Hello. Just to say that the high street, near the Undertakers, and Madonna Lane will be partially closed tomorrow when the hustings descend on our town. Labour‘s Ed Milliband, Conservative “Diddy” Dave Cameron and the SNP‘s Nicola Sturgeon have all decided to visit the marginal seat of Beckworth South on the same day. We all clearly remember the parties doing the same back in 2010 when it decended into chaos as Gordon Brown offered Mr Cameron “out”. Let’s hope this time the politicians can control themselves better. The LibDem‘s Nick Clegg and UKIP‘s Nigel Farrage are due to visit on Wednesday but as we’re expecting a low turn out of support we’re not closing any roads that day. many thanks G.Grimsby. Mayor

Beckworth_road-closed

(Above) An artists’s impression of what tomorrow’s road closure could look like

Local Residents Honoured In New Years Honours

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Breaking Royal news just in… The Queen has just announced in a tweet that a number of Beckworth’s residents are to be honoured in the coming year. Local school dinner lady Victoria Wood is to be made a CBE for her services to school dinners and for tirelessly campaigning to reintroduce fried-food to children’s diets, lifelong Labour party member Reg Peshawar is to made an MBE, arms dealing multi-billionaire and disgraced ex-Conservative MP Timothy Leamington-Spa is to be made a life peer, Conservative donors Hilary Chelsea-Bridge, Lloyd Hedge-Fund, and Felicity Mikhaylov all receive well earned OBEs and local Liberal Democrat councillor Tiffanie Alcester is to be given a book-token for her services to Nick Clegg. I’ll keep you posted if i get more news… Happy New Year Christine Batley. Chief Honours For Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_DinnerLady

(Above) Local CBE winning dinner lady Victoria Wood earlier today