Breaking news… Poor Ed Milliband had to cut short his election campaigning visit to Beckworth today. This was due to a visit to Slocombe’s pasty factory taking longer than planned. An aide told me in the strictest confidence that after sampling the savoury delights poor Mr Ed had to spend over an hour in the toilet of his campaign bus thus curtailing his visit to our town. A similar visit made by the SNP leader earlier in the day had the same lavatorial outcome which meant poor Ms Nicola Sturgeon had to bypass Beckworth all together. On a brighter note our very own 99p stores sold Mr Milliband a job lot of very cheap “shop soiled” toilet roll which he was overjoyed with. Christine Batley. Chief Political Tummy Upset Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mr Milliband getting to grips with a pasty shortly before it got it’s “revenge”