Monthly Archives: April 2013

Found: A Flugelhorn

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Flugelhorn

A flugelhorn has just been handed in at the Police station. It was found, apparently abandoned, this lunch time in Right Said Fred Lane (near the vandalised phonebox) by one of Sainsco’s home delivery drivers (they are a Godsend those drivers. Perfect if both of you work and no-one is around to do the bloody food shopping).

Anyway, I’ll be honest (well I am a copper and honesty is in the job description), but I didn’t know what it was, an odd foreign trumpet thought I? But my cousin, who is big on such things, said it was a flugelhorn. So, if you are missing one, think it’s been pinched or know the owner, please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. Your call will be handled in the strictest confidence.

PC R Cowgrove

Beckworth Star Spot: Chris Moyles

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I can hardly believe it, but I’ve seen radio’s Chris Moyles twice today! First he was filling a red van up with petrol whilst dressed as a postman (He’s a joker that one), then I saw him emptying a postbox on Quo Lane. If it’s not an elaborate hoax maybe he was on the rob or moonlighting? Has anyone else seen him?

EmptyingPostBox

(Above) Joker Chris Moyles emptying a postbox of it’s contents

Pick SCABs

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Hello everyone. I think it’s high time we banned bags from being used when shopping in Beckworth (handbags and woven bags would be exempt). Bag banning has proved successful in other towns and I can’t see why it shouldn’t be popular here.

As one of the more trusted members of society I hereby toss my hat into the ring to get the anti-bag ball rolling. To this end I have formed SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) and urge you sign my online partition. I’ve no idea how one signs something that isn’t paper based but maybe one of our local computer johnnies can help? Otherwise it’s probably best to send me a signed postcard, or notelet.

So please pick SCABs to get bags binned for good. Ray Eastleigh

Marion Is Here

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Hellody Hoo, Marion here. These are some recordings from an interview I did a while ago with an odd man who called himself a doctor. He was a bit tipsy and asked me some very strange questions, then tried to borrow money from me for “his project”. I’ve often wondered became of him, but in his absence the tourist board have asked me to put the recordings on this website, so that’s what I’m doing. I hope they boost tourism, though I can’t imagine why they would. Ta ta M.

Found: A Trumpet

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A solid-brass trumpet was found by singer and local celeb Robbie Williams last night in Fleetwood Road (near the drive-through McDonalds) and promptly handed in at the Police station. It has been thoroughly dusted for finger-prints and DNA samples taken.
If you are missing the said brass instrument, saw it being nicked or think you know the rightful owner, please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, who is handling this very sensitive case. PC R Cowgrove

(Above) The Fleetwood Road trumpet. Is it yours?

Don’t Forget Bob-A-Job

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Dear all, please remember next week is Bob-A-Job week, and the cubs, scouts, brownies and guides will be calling door to door seeking gainful employment for money. I must stress that payment is required for all works carried out. We want to avoid last years fiasco whereby the whole of The Beckworth Brown Otter troupe was misappropriated for 10 days at a local sweatshop, and only found thanks to the bravery of the fire brigade. We are still awaiting payment for the troupe’s time and work completed pre-blaze. Still, wanting to find a silver lining amongst the debacle, all 33 boys did get their sewing and fire safety badges.

Thanks Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader

Burnt Down factory

(Above) The scouts good work goes up in smoke

Hello and welcome to my Parish

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Hello, I am Cyril Knutsford, the vicar of St. Faiths Church

Beckworth is my parish, and my young parishioners have told me therefore this website is my online parish. So let it be blessed and full of wonderful, joyous things.

Here are two tape recordings of me talking which I hope you thoroughly enjoy

May your God be with you, Cyril

Cooper-Clarke Gig Postponed

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It is with sadness that I have to report that this Saturdays John Cooper-Clarke gig at The Macadamia Hall has been postponed for a week whilst the venue’s toilets are unblocked and replumbed. Tickets will be valid for the new date, 4th May.

Thankfully Monday’s bingo and Wednesday’s Zumba classes will be uneffected as a portaloo is being borrowed from the council’s Road’s Dept for those afternoons.

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall

NotJohnCooper-Clarke

(Above) John Cooper-Clarke is told why his gig has been postponed

French Market This Sunday

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Hello all. Don’t forget this Sunday, 28th April, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be in town. It’s your once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses and onions directly from people with no manners, dirty hands and only the slightest grasp of the English language.

Sadly wine won’t be offered for sale this year after last years drunken debacle outside the library. Nor will we tolerate urinating in the street, except at the pop-up urinals.

As usual the march of the Emmental Fromagiers will set off from from Town Hall steps at 10am, parade along Floyd Street into the Square and then declare the market open.

Weather permitting there will be events all day for the whole family, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, a kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course in the afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2013.

Not to be missed will be the steam-driven carrousel and dodgems, Flintlock Farm’s Mobile Petting Zoo and we are pleased to welcome back, after a serious illness, Derek Shipston’s (non-violent PC) Punch & Judy show.

A must see this year will be the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors staging the Battle Of Agincourt (complete with borrowed horses) at The Sports Field. 

So Bonjour to one and all, Mayor Gary Grimsby

Cheese_stall