Diorama To Be Used In Lama Drama

Posted on 16/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just to let you know that we’ve still not seen anything of Fern Britton‘s fleeing lamas, but as they say no news is good news (unless like me you work for a newspaper). Anyway, talking of good news, Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house lama tracker) has commissioned model-maker, mathematician and local celeb, Johnny Ball to make a diorama of Beckworth, from matchsticks, to try and work out where the lamas could be hiding. With this in mind, Mr Ball has asked me to ask all Beckworth’s smokers to give him their discarded matches so he can complete the 1/12th scale model of the town and surroundings in double-quick time. His last model, of the Queen Mother (see below) took over 3 years and 220,000 matches to complete and is now on diplay in the vet’s surgery.

If you have spent matches please drop them at Johnny’s house or pass them onto me if he’s busy doing sums in his study. Also, please don’t concern Mrs Britton with matches as she’s hosting an Alcohol Awareness meeting this afternoon. Anyway, i’ll continue to keep you posted on lama news, whether we have any or not. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

We Still Need A Bansky

Posted on 16/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. Thanks for the messages of support, it seems am overwhelming amount of people agree with me and think we need better graffitti here in Beckworth. And my suggestion of buying the missing Bansky (above) has gripped you all. So I suggest as many of us as possible go to the auction and bid for it, that way we increase our chances of bagging it. If there’s a few of us we could hire a min-bus? Beth

Joan of Arc’s Flaming Lorry Postponed

Posted on 16/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to inform you that today’s much anticipated birthday parade is sadly being postponed, due to reasons beyound our control. Ava Berlin, who turns 101 today is feeling poorly and unable to stand for prolongued periods. Therefore, the idea of her recreating the last hours of Joan Of Arc strapped to a burning pole on an HGV lorry is a non-starter. We hope that given time to rest and regain her strength Miss Berlin will be strong enough to lead the parade next Thursday instead. Coincidentally the 23 May is actress, and local celeb, Joan Collins 90th birthday. We are hoping we may be able to get Mrs Collins up on a lorry as well, pehaps portraying ancient war lord, and deceased local celebrity, Boadicea.

Back to today, Ava hopes to be well enough later to salute the assembled crowds, and enpower her followers, from an open care-home window at around 2pm.

Also, pleased be warned; due to the lateness of the postponement tanks will be parked up on the playing fields for the next seven days. But don’t be alarmed as they are only carrying “blank” ammunition in readiness of having a 101 gun salute in Miss Berlins homour. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Beckworth Star Spot: Harry Hill

Posted on 15/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

I’ve just seen You’ve Been Framed funny man, and local shirt-wearing celeb, Harry Hill filming funny clips on his mobile. Whilst autographing my sandwich box (I had nothing else on me) he told me that when the show is short of funny animal films and clips of children falling over, he goes out and films some himself. At £150 per clip (if shown on the programme) he’s quids in. He tried to get me to walk into a lamppost, but I had to rush home for an “appointment.” But I think he’s still on Floyd Street if you want to do something funny for money. Ronnie

No Lamas In Lama Drama

Posted on 15/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello, just a quick update on the all-absorbing lama drama. Yesterday I reported a potentially violent incident in the dry cleaners, which at the time looked to be caused by Fern Britton‘s jailbird lamas. Luckily for the owners of the dry cleaner the rumpus was just someone with a shotgun trying to steal the till, not our Bonnie and Clyde of the camelid underworld. Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house lama crime expert) says it’s only a matter of time before she snares the hairy Jacksons (Jermaine & Michael)… and she’s a patient woman. Who’ll crack first I wonder? Also, at this upsetting time, a distressed Mrs Britton has asked not to be bothered by well-wishers as she is being consoled by a close friend. Anyway, i’ll be continue to keep you posted on lama news as it happens. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

BABS SCABs

Posted on 15/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello everyone. The inaugural meeting this week of SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) to ban shopping bags from Beckworth was a roaring success.

We now boast a membership of five, and all members, myself included, attended our first meeting in the pub. Many ideas for pro-active action were discussed, the most pressing to achieve our goal (of banning all bags) is the need of funds. So to raise cash we are going to host a nearly-new-and-old Bring And Buy Sale. I will keep you informed of the when and where’s nearer the time. In the meantime please donate any donations for the sale via my front porch. You can leave stuff there safely so don’t worry. So please pick SCABs to get bags binned for good. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh

PS Just to clear up any confusion, the ban does not include refuse bags or those ones for clearing up dog pooh

PPS Don’t forget the Apprentice is on television tonight

Breaking News In Lama Drama

Posted on 14/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello, I’ve just had a text message reporting a kerfuffle in the dry cleaners. The text didn’t go into details, nor mention what species was causing the rumpus, but I’m assuming it would be beyond coincidence not to be the lamas. They could be after clean clothes to put us off their scent? Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house authority on lamas) explained that they are masters of disguise and are cut out for life on the run, being a hardy cross breed between camels and goats. Fern was unavailable to comment as she’s at the Beckworth Hall Spa having a facial and one of those treatments where fish eat your feet. Anyway, I’ll keep you posted as the story unfolds (the lama story, not fern’s feet). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Convicts Flee Scene Of Lama Drama

Posted on 14/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just wanted to keep you up to date about this ongoing dramatic camelid situation. It’s currently a case of hide and seek concerning Fern Britton’s Jackson Three Minus One, and so far the lamas are better at hiding than we are at seeking. No one has seen the hairy twosome since Ross Kemp’s humane capture of one of the lama’s accomplaces, and we reckon the cunning convicts have fled to the hills with their tails between their legs. No doubt they are hatching plans about a return to town, but Fern’s in house lama psychologist, Doris Palmer, reckons she knows what they’ll do next and says she is ready for them. Personally I fear a hostage situation or a siege, so let me know if you see these very dangerous lamas, and i’ll keep everyone posted as things develop. Don’t bother trying to contact Mrs Britton as she is away filming Celebrity Bargain Hunt. Christine

We Need A Bansky

Posted on 14/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. Am I the only person in this town that thinks the quality of our grafitti is p*** poor? It’s badly drawn, not very colourful and hard to read. What we need is something that makes a statement. What we need is a Bansky. In the absense of Mr Bansk coming by and brightening up our walls (I’ve tried facebook to find him, but no luck so far), I suggest we apply for lottery funding and buy the one that’s been ripped from a wall and is now for sale in swanky Soho, London (See pic below).

http://news.sky.com/story/1089675/banksys-missing-slave-labour-mural-set-for-sale

What do you say? It would look great on the side of Sainsco, or maybe on the outside of the church? Let’s get an action group together!! Bansky here we come. Beth

101 Not Out

Posted on 14/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. This Thursday local heroine Ava Berlin will turn 101 and to celebrate we will be having a small parade in her honour, complete with military marching band, tanks and a red-arrows flypast, through the streets of Beckworth.

Ava is the World’s last surviving WW2 female pilot, winner of an Iron Cross and was for years a teacher of Chemistry and German at the high school. I’m not alone in fondly remembering how she made school more enjoyable by teaching us how to make pipe-bombs and salute the fuhrer. After bad weather and public disobedience marred Ava’s last birthday parade we thought it fitting, as she’s lasted another 12 months, to have another go. But this time, for the public’s safety, she will be mounted on the back of a truck and supporters of the far-right are banned. Although it was undoubtedly spectacular that she did a very realistic Lady Godiva impersonation galloping on horseback through Beckworth, the police say this year they can’t spare the troops to keep order.
So come and see Miss Berlin recreating the last hours of Joan Of Arc on a lorry from 2pm, weather and kindling permitting. She will also be stopping at the public toilets on route to cut her birthday cake and “rest,” should anyone wish to take close-up photos. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Monthly Archives: May 2013

Diorama To Be Used In Lama Drama

We Still Need A Bansky

Joan of Arc’s Flaming Lorry Postponed

Beckworth Star Spot: Harry Hill

No Lamas In Lama Drama

BABS SCABs

Breaking News In Lama Drama

Convicts Flee Scene Of Lama Drama

We Need A Bansky

101 Not Out

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