I’ll let these films do the talking for me as I’m very busy. Crispin
A Total Banker
Reply
Monthly Archives: May 2013
Beckworth Aussie Star Spot Three: David Beckham
Is David Beckham Australian? I’ve just seen him at the pool having a swimming lesson. In photos it looks like he has a lot of tatoos and muscles, but in reality he’s really skinny and looks a bit Asian. He’s very good looking, especially in tight trunks, so the camera doesn’t lie. Chico
Beckworth Aussie Star Spot Two: The Minogues
Hellody Hoo, Marion here. Beckworth must be overrun with small female Australian entertainers today because I’ve just seen not one, but two!!! I spotted the diminutive Minogue sisters, Daniiii and Kylie, in school uniforms outside Beckworth High squabbling over a bag of chips. For two stars of television their language was very course. Ta ta, Marion
Beckworth Aussie Star Spot: Jason Donavan
I’ve just seen antipodean songsmith, and local celeb, Jason Donavan putting the chain back on his bike. I was surprised to find he’s very small in real life and rides a kid’s bike. He only looked about 9 years old, so must use a very good moisturiser. Beth
A Loud Shout Out To All Headbangers
This is a message to all of you who like your music heavy and your ale real. Tomorrow night local heavy metal covers band, Bachman Turner Overdraft, will be rocking our back room venue. It’s only a fiver on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Itchy Scrotum. Warning: If you’re coming to play dominoes in the bar bring your ear plugs! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Sorry, No Susan Boyle Here
Hello Beckworth, I am Leslie and I am a famous impressionist. You can hear some in this interview, though not me doing Susan Boyle. I don’t do women. Please enjoy.
A Very Quiet Lama Drama
Hello. It’s all eerily quiet on the lama drama front thanks to action hero Ross Kemp‘s heroics (this picture taken just prior to his lama “intervention” yesterday). We’ve had no reported sightings and everyone is whispering in case we hear the hairy escapees coming. I’ll keep you posted if anything happens. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Cook Like A Master Chef
Dear all. I’m sure you were all gripped by Masterchef, well now it’s your chance to learn how to do some of that fancy cooking here at The Hill View Hotel. Next week, for 3 days only, father and son chefs, Heston Blumenthal and Anthony Worrall-Thompson, will be teaching cooking to 10 lucky local cooks. Do you want to be a cook? If so it’s only £899 for the course and that will include a signed photo from the cooking duo. Hurry, places are limited and interest is bound to be big. We are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so literally anyone with their own chef’s hat and an apron can apply. Contact me, Sandy Luton, General Manager, for more details
Little Terry Nutkin Found
Good news from Beckworth Police. We have found the 12″ high Terence Nutkin Statue which was stolen from the Town Hall. It was found alive and well in the caretaker’s cupboard where he claims he had put it for safe keeping. The caretaker, a Mr N.Penge, is currently helping us with our enquiries whilst we see what else we can fit him up for. I reckon he’s behind the heinous crime of all these brass instruments being found all over Beckworth, though he denies it. But let’s see what the water-boarding turns up. PC R Cowgrove
(Above) Little Trence Nutkin returned home safely
The KKK’s Partial Closure
Hello. It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce the temporary closure of the skate park in the Keira Knightley’s Kingdom adventure centre. This is due to large cracks appearing all over the Ms Knightey’s Film Career Mosaics, rendering the skate ramps and bowls a hazard. I will keep you posted on how rapidly this popular part of the KKK can be reopened, at present we are awaiting an expert inspection of Keira’s fissures. The rest of the centre, BMX track, jungle gym, climbing wall, archery corridor, vegan cafe and death slide, are mercifully unaffected. Have a good day, Beth Rochester. Acting Manageress, Keira Knightley’s Kingdom adventure centre
(Above) Ms Knightley practicing in the recently redecorated archery corridor