Back to The Future Night Tonight

Posted on 21/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news for fans of the best futuristic film made in the past, Back To The Future 2, as we will be showing the entire film in the pub tonight. The film, written by local Hollywood script writer Sylvester Stalone, sent it’s hero, Marvin McFly, along with his GP Doctor Brown, to 21st October 2015 (today). Hence our timely screening. We will show it on our ipad (which we’ll be propping on the bar) so come early if you want a seat where you can see it. Straight after the film Mr Stalone’s daughter Britney Spears will be hosting a question and answer session about the Oscar winning film. She told me that many of the things the film predicted we’d have today come true; we’ve now got drones, mobile phones, skinny jeans, trainers and sleeveless puffa-jackets. And most amazingly it predicted a Starbucks in every street. It’s only £22.60 on the door and tonight’s featured ale at the pub is McFly‘s Delorean. Warning: “If you don’t like 1980s American films set in 2015 stay at home tonight!” Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above) Marvin Mcfly, in his trademark hat, and film extras on the set of Back To The Future 2

Police Union Vote On New Police Uniform Rules

Posted on 20/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking police news… Police unions at their annual conference in Beckworth have voted unanimously on new rules regarding uniforms and kit. It was decided that serving officers must wear uniform and use official equipment 24/7, 365 days a year. Thus they will be identifiable to the public at all times. This is to be implemented due to many instances of detectives working undercover getting sued by anarchists and crooks for deception. A spokeswoman said “If people can clearly see we’re coppers they can’t take us to court for pretending we’re not… Getting sued is costing us billions of pounds at a time we need to be saving money.” She then added “Granted it’ll make infiltrating gangs and taking on aliases a bit harder but with the right training we’re sure we can get way with wearing our beloved uniform and handcuffs at all times. Even in the shower. Or in our newly issued police beds. After all British rozzers are the best in the World, awake or asleep!!” Good luck to our brave boys and girls in blue. Christine Batley. Chief Police Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The new police issue bed, due to became a coppers standard bit of kit. Essential if working under cover

Straight Edge Day Tomorrow

Posted on 16/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

In celebration of tomorrow being the World’s official Edge Day (look it up, it’s on the web) local family-run builders merchants Coffin & Sons are offering planks of wood, and anything else they can find with straight edges, with 11% off. So hurry on down, it’s a once in a lifetime offer. Probably. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Some of the straight-edged planks of wood on sale tomorrow

World Anaesthesia Day Celebrated In Local Hospital Today

Posted on 16/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking medical news… Our local hospital, Beckworth General, is throwing open the doors to it’s operating theatres today in celebration of the invention of anesthetics a few hundred years ago on this very day. Anaemia, invented by some doctor or nurse somewhere, made it possible for patients to have operations without pain. And the sleeping gas they use is great at parties as it makes your voice sound really funny. Today at the hospital members of the public will have tons of the gas to play with and have the run of normally out of bounds areas. They’ll even be able to put on gowns and stuff and put volunteers “under.” Or be put to sleep themselves. No medical training is needed, but sadly smoking is prohibited. Euthanasia day sounds like great fun, so i’ll probably pop along myself to get a few hours induced sleep. Just as long as no one accidentally operates on me!!! Christine Batley. Chief Anaglypta Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Some real doctors and nurses have a go at euthanasia in preparation of today’s opening of their operating theatres

Local Lass On TV Tonight. And Tomorrow Night

Posted on 14/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

I’m very proud to announce that local businesswoman, and female impressionist, Leslie Warwick is appearing on this years’ series of The Apprentice. Before filming started Leslie told me she’s not only out to win but ultimately wants to take that Karen Brady‘s seat next to Lord “You can call me” Sugar. She already does a great impression of Mrs Brady, and an even better one of Mr Sugar. Good luck to our local lass Leslie, i’m so sure she’ll win i’ve put a £5 bet on. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Leslie Warwick, circled, with her enemies on the Apprentice

Battle Re-Enactment Today (After Work)

Posted on 14/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Just a reminder that today, from 6pm, we will be recreating the The Battle Of Hastings on the sports field. Due to members’ work-commitments and the return of The Apprentice to our screens we will condense this large and ambitious reenactment and the sixteen of us who can make it aim to play the whole thing out in about two hours. Maybe less. I won’t give away the ending of the battle, if you want to know who wins come on down and see. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors

(Above) An artist’s woven impression of todays’ battle re-enactment

It’s Natural Disaster Day

Posted on 13/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. Just a reminder that today is International Day for Natural Disaster Reduction and the town’s beloved nuclear power plant is throwing open it’s doors to visitors. The aim is to show how poorly prepared it is for any likely disasters. And leaks. There will be demonstrations on how quickly they can abandon the plant if it’s bombed by terrorists or if a runaway truck drives into it. You can dress in nuclear overalls (and wear a nuclear helmet) like a real nuclear worker and even eat nuclear food in the nuclear canteen. For one day only nowhere is off limits! There will be guided tours around the reactor, you’ll be shown nuclear fission (I’ve no idea what that is but it sounds like great fun) and selected lucky people will be able to ride on lorries to see how “spent fuel rods” are disposed off at the local recycling centre. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information

(Above) Today a lucky few will get to see nuclear fission inside our local reactor

Join Us Tonight For National Coming Out Day

Posted on 12/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual friends. Tonight is National Coming Out Day and in celebration we’re driving a candle-lit Friends Of Dorothy “float” around the town and going door-to-door to help people come out to complete strangers, friends and family. So if you need that gentle shuv to escape the closet join us on our glam float and show the world you’re happy with your sexuality. Yours Sylvie Stoke. Co-Chair Lady. The Beckworth Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society ( BLAGABSS )

(Above) An artist’s impression of how the Beckworth Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society “Coming Out” float would look if it had to go in the river

Harvest Festival

Posted on 11/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5.45pm and finishing by 7pm so I can get home to watch both the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows. Thank God for such a wonderful Sabbath. If you stupidly turn up after 7pm and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out tomorrow morning. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Please donate your freshly harvested frozen food to the church

The Kid’s Have Gone Bonkers Over Conkers

Posted on 07/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking horse-chestnut news… Local Police and schools have today announced they are banning the collection and carrying of conkers by minors (By that they mean young children. Not filthy men who dig for coal and eat Cornish pasties). This is due to a huge spate of injuries caused by under 12s pelting passers by with the large brown seeds. Local Police have taken 126 children into custody and thus far three infant-school children have been charged with GBH and will be sentenced at the high court later this year. Or next. Christine Batley. Chief Feral And Violent Pre-Teens Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Local conkers lay abandoned now all the town’s children are in Police cells

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Monthly Archives: October 2015