Strictly Star To Open Heel Bar

Posted on 10/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Exciting news just in for anyone who’s shoes need repairing. Strictly Come Dancing judge Len Goodman is set to open a heel bar and key cutters on the site of the old pet shop. Len told me over a skinny latte “that the exclusive shop will be called Strictly Heels And Keys and will cater to those who want a more upmarket service when getting their keys cut and shoes repaired” Before adding “I want my clients to leave Strictly Heels And Keys with a spring in their step and a jingle in their pockets.” Len’s shop will be in direct competition, and directly opposite, Dragon’s Den judge Peter Jones‘ Dragon’s Heels And Keys, which has been doing great business since opening in 2008. Mr Peter was unavailable for comment but is said to be unphased about Len’s shop. A friend of a friend of a friend of Peter’s was quoted as saying “Peter says bring it on. He’ll soon put Len out of business… and run him out of town.” So there you have it. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) Len Goodman proudly showing off his newly mended “Strictly” heels

Hit And Knit Returns

Posted on 08/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Starting Thursday at 7.30, Beckworth’s very own “lady” TV sports-commentator, and horse-masseuse, Clare Balding is once again running her famed Hit & Knit course in the gym. In a change to last year it will now be every Thursday and run for four months to give the trainees more time to conquer the mental & physical riguers of knitting combined with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Inspired by Mohamed Ali and her own upbringing (her dad was a scrap metal dealer and amateur bare-knuckle fighter), Clare has used Hit and Knit to successfully train The Army Wive’s Choir, UKIP councillors and the cast of Downton Abbey. Just think, before you can say “Hit One, Purl One” you’ll have made yourself a matching scarf, hat and gloves and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you! All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £3,800 (excluding costs of materials and medical insurance). See you Thursday. Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

(Above) Clare’s Aunt Dolly (and defending champion knitter) prepare’s to take on all newcomers at the next Hit and Knit course

Tour De Beckworth Success

Posted on 07/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a quick thank you for all your support yesterday and especially to those of you who volunteered to mend punctures, hand out drinks and give directions to the cycle racers. It was a real shame that so many of the Tour De France competitors got lost due to the last minute Beckworth detour but they took it with great Gallic humour. So many of the racers enjoyed an unscheduled lunch pit stop at the Blind Beggar pub that it had a lock-in (and i’m told a few of the cyclists are still in there enjoying the local ale and our great British jukebox). Thanks Clifford Pinner. Tour De France Steering Committee Chairperson and Senior Route Advisor, Beckworth and Slocombe Division

(Above) Tour De France cyclists taking the scenic route

Hello I’m Courtney Beccles

Posted on 07/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello World and Beckworth. My name is Courtney and it’s lovely to meet you all, I hope you like hearing my interview. By the way, please keep a look out for my nephew Tyrone showing his willy on Embarrassing Bodies next month. Thanks Courtney.

WARNING! THIS CONTAINS ONE OR TWO MILDLY NAUGHTY WORDS

Tour De France Slight Detour

Posted on 06/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a quick update on today’s historic visit by the Tour Of France french cycling race. After many months of careful planning it was due to come through the very heart of our community. But due to unexpected subsidence and holes opening up, due to the fracking on the high street, the Tour will be hastily re-routed over Beck Hill, around the council estate and mosque, along by the extensive road works, through the refuse dump and children’s playground and finally past the nuclear power station. It won’t effect what is bound to be an exciting and once (maybe twice) in a lifetime day out for all the family. Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) The slight detour on the Beck Hill stage of the Tour De France

Beckworth’s Tour De France

Posted on 05/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just an excited reminder that many roads will be closed tomorrow as we welcome the Worlds’ most famous french cycling race through the heart of our town. I am of course talking about Le Tour De France (The Tour Of France). It is bound to cause traffic mayhem and shop closures but will be worth it to see half a dozen or so of the best French cyclists come pootling through our streets followed by some motorbikes and Citroen cars with bikes on their roofs. So please bare in mind if you fancy going anywhere in Beckworth tomorrow you won’t be able to, except on foot, or preferably pedal bike. Yours Clifford Pinner. Tour De France Steering Committee Chairperson and Senior Route Advisor, Beckworth and Slocombe Division

(Above) An artists impression of the Tour De France racing through Beckworth

Strike Over

Posted on 04/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Fantastic news just in, the annual strike by the council’s IT department was resolved this morning in just half an hour at the arbitration company ACAS. Many concessions have been made by the council. The main sticking point of upgrading council funded free biscuits from the current ginger nuts to milk chocolate hobnobs was solved by a compromise of now supplying plain hob nobs. The IT dept will slowly return to work although they have warned they may strike again in August, just to keep their hand in and keep us on our toes. Thanks, G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) The Hobnob biscuits that thanks to ACAS put an end to IT’s recent strike

Continued Strike Action

Posted on 03/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Apologies for the continued annual strike by the council’s IT department and therefore the lack of lack of posts on this site. With Andy Murray out of Wimbledon the strikers have now agreed to go to arbitration, probably as soon as tomorrow morning if they wake up early enough (they have told me they rather like having a lie in and not working). Sorry for any inconvenience, G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Andy Murray pictured in action earlier, before his disastrous trouncing at Wimbledon

Hacked By The Brownies

Posted on 26/06/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. we are so desperate to tell you about the 100 year anniversary of the Brownies that the girls have hacked this site (and in the process earnt their computer hacker badges). This weekend the local troop will be having a jumble sale in an effort to raise £250,000 for a bronze statue of Beckworth’s first Brown Owl, the late HRH Princess Margaret. The Princess founded our local troop in 1916 (just two years after the Brownies were first invented by the Suffragettes) as a way of helping the young girls get a vote and to stop them worrying about WW1s’ trench warfare and gout. See you at the jumble sale. Brown Owl

Strike Action

Posted on 24/06/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Apologies for the lack of updates on the site, this is due to the annual strike by the council’s IT department. This year’s strike has caught us on the hop as it’s occurred a couple of months earlier than normal (coincidentally at the same time as the world cup). This year staff are demanding one day working from home (not really feasible as neither of them have internet at home, although installing Sky is on their list of demands) and they want Friday afternoons off to enjoy both lunch time and happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. We’re hoping to go to arbitration, which may happen this week as England seem likely to be out of the world cup very soon. Sorry for the inconvenience, G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Beckworth’s striking IT department are joined by sympathetic passers-by on the promise of free cakes and coffee if they mill about about and look vaguely menacing

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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