Python’s Perished Parrot Purloined

Posted on 21/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Just a reminder that tonight local boys, Monty Python, will be performing a final secret gig here at the Macadamia Hall and tickets are still available. Also, please be on the lookout for a large stuffed dead parrot which is key to some of their sketches (I believe it’s a mascot) as it has been stolen from the Python’s hired minibus. They are offering a £20 reward for it’s safe return which is very generous. The unsold tickets are only £725 each and can be purchased under the counter at the Macadamia Hall box office or from me personally (I’ll be in Sainsco doing my weekly shop this morning).

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall

(Above) The missing dead pet parrot which Police are hunting

Come and Join STUCCO

Posted on 20/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello everyone. As you are probably aware one of the devil’s favourite shops is hoping to open in the High Street on the site of the old Kwikfit. This shop will doubtless overrun our main thoroughfare and be free to spread depravity, prostitution, petty larceny and litter with it’s plethora of tempting cheap coffee and moist cake offers. I for one don’t want Beckworth to go the way of every other depraved UK high street and so propose we oppose the planning permission. This faceless International Irish coffee chain Cost O’Bucks must be halted from blighting our beautiful town and for this reason I am proposing we form an action committee. I have taken it upon myself to name it, Stop This Ubiquitous Coffee Chain Opening aka STUCCO, and have booked the snug at The Blind Badger this Tuesday at 7pm to have an inaugural meet. Please spread the word and see you then. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh. Chairperson and founder. STUCCO

AuRevoir To Our Heroic Son

Posted on 18/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear Beckworth and the many millions of my husband Noel’s fans who will be reading this. This morning was a bittersweet day for the Edmunds clan as we waved goodbye to our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. We waved him off first thing this morning on the first leg of his circumnavigation of the globe on ice skates (following the route taken by the intrepid father and daughter team Torvill and Dean in the 1980s). To make the trip even more media savvy Neil has also taken a vow of dumbness and will only converse with foreign people and reporters he meets on route through the medium of mime. His brother Nial and sister Bury-Saint will accompany Neil to the Channel Ferry, which is comforting, but beyond that he will be totally on his own (His father Noel having so far failed to get Channel 4 to make a documentary of the expedition and follow Neil with a camera crew). On a brighter note, through sponsorship our son hopes to raise money for the Beckworth Ice Rink whilst raising awareness of mime, and not talking in general. You can sponsor Neil via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us cash in person. Neil hopes to raise at least £5000 whilst on his epic 3 year journey which should be enough for the Rink to buy some new lockers and hand-dryers in the loos. I hope to keep everyone up to date on this epic adventure as Neil promises to ring me most days if his mobile phone has enough credits. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds

(Above) An emotional Noel Edmunds waves off his children earlier today

Double Johnny Tribute Action

Posted on 17/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news for all of you fans of numbers, algebra and easy listening music as Johnny Maths, the country’s number one Johnny Ball and Johnny Mathis tribute act will be performing his show at Beckworth’s number one real ale venue. Yes, this Friday night Mr “Double” Johnny will be on stage performing difficult equations whilst singing the hits of Mr Mathis. One time X-Factor reject Mr Maths will also be signing copies of his debut homemade DVD Maths and Mathis Made Easy, which isn’t available in any shops or on Amazon. Entry, and exit, to the riveting show is only a £9.50 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is a specially themed “boffin’s” brew Calculus’s Conundrum. Warning: If you don’t like people singing and don’t like sums, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above Left) Johnny Ball and (Above Right) Johnny Mathis, neither of whom is expected to be at the Blind Badger pub on Friday night

Star Spot: Celebrity Masterchef

Posted on 16/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

I’ve just seen those two blokes from Masterchef (I forget their names) herding some celebrities into The Bamboo Caravan chinese take-away. Someone in the grocers told me these (so called) celebs are working in the kitchen for a night as part of the Celebrity Masterchef finals. I won’t be ordering from there whilst these nonces are cooking, you never know what you’ll get. Fried mice probably!!! Thanks Gilbert

(Above) The Celebrity Masterchef finalists pose for a photograph in the toilets of the Bamboo Caravan before starting their shift in the kitchens

Found: A Seriously Large Clue

Posted on 15/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Blimey, it seems like months since I had anything to report re: the horrific Stag Do Massacre case. PC Rozzer (my trusty four legged assistant) was supposed to be all over this crime but he has been chasing his tail and the only leads he’s dug up are dog leads. Whilst all the time I was laid up for a few weeks nursing an ingrowing toenail and watching daytime telly. Anyway, here I am on my first day back at work and a new clue lands on my desk. Literally. A wet and soggy large grey women’s bra was found, and photographed, by a vigilant member of the public. But rather than leave it where it was he stupidly brought it into the Police Station, so inconveniently my office is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad remotely destroy the bra as they believe it to be booby trapped (no pun intended). This “large” clue, was obviously left by the stripper after she’d finished her act entertaining the criminal gang on their stag night. We’re guessing she has been taken hostage by the 30 strong gang although they have yet to issue any demands. My guess is they don’t have any stamps with which to post it. And this is where you can help. Perhaps you have been approached by criminals wanting to buy first-class postage? Maybe you know someone who’s worked as a stripper and has lost the upper part of their stage outfit? Or possibly, you like me, you are wanting to know what is happening in Neighbours? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case as we slowly get back to work, without the use of an office. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

(Above) The triple-D ladies ladie’s undergarment pictured in situ earlier today

Shush! Python Announce Secret Gig

Posted on 13/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Just to let you know that Monday 21st July local boys, Monty Python, will be performing a final secret gig here at the Macadamia Hall to round off their string of dates at London’s O2 theatre tent. Support act will be the funny Irish comedian Micky Flanagan. I’m not supposed to say anything about the “warm down” gig or even advertise it, but if I don’t how on earth will I sell any tickets? So please come and tell all your friends (though don’t mention I told you). Tickets are only £725 each and on sale now from under the counter at the Macadamia Hall box office or from me personally (you can catch me most nights in the saloon bar of The Blind Badger).

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall

(Above) Monty Python take a bow at the end of one of their 49 farewell gigs at the O2

Royal Roundabout Opening Postponed

Posted on 12/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just to say that due to council incompetence the new mini roundabout outside the McDonald’s drive-through won’t be finished this week as the work is over-running by at least three or four weeks. A council spokesperson stressed that Princess Kate Middleton (and her baby HRH King George) are still due to open the improved road junction and lend it her name. Clifford Pinner. Volunteer Road Safety Planning Advisor, Beckworth Coucil, Roads and Recreation Department

(Above) The still unfinished Kate Middleton Mini Roundabout earlier today

Third Time Unlucky For Iceland Land

Posted on 11/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Late last night the World famous Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe was once again struck by lightning, amazingly for the third time in a year. Most surprising is that during the night no one noticed there was even any rain let alone an electrical storm. The lightning caused fires which destroyed three very popular rides, which coincidentally had recently been closed down as unsafe by health and safety officials and were due for replacement. The owners were in the process of trying to raise the money for new frozen food themed rides at the time of the lightning strike. Luckily, thanks to insurance, finding the money will no longer be an issue. On hearing of the fire a spokesperson for onetime Iceland figurehead Kerry Katona said “Ms Katona is currently on holiday in Magaluf so it wasn’t her that set fire to the rides or nothing.” The theme park manager Ralf Little is keen to stress that 32% of the park is still open for business and that the cafe is now doing breakfasts as well as lunch. So it’s still an ideal destination for all the family this summer. Christine Batley. Chief Lightning Strike Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of lightning striking the amusement park last night

Hoax Fudge Causes Subsidence In Model Village

Posted on 10/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I’ve more sad news regarding Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (the model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). The project is near to being a third complete, but this week the father and son food builders noticed that the already completed model of the public toilets was collapsing. They thought it was caused by leaking fudge model toilet but further investigation revealed that the foundation fudge bricks they’d used were fake and actually made of Caramac, which had melted in the heat bringing the structure down. A very upset Heston has told me “Who would do such a wicked thing as supply Caramac bricks? Now we’ll have to demolish the loos and rebuild them, putting the project at least 3 weeks behind schedule.” Through the tears he added “And we still need each of Beckworth’s 5000+ residents to make at least two kilograms of real fudge per day to get the whole model village finished… which we hope to do before the August bank holiday.” So please help the the father and son chefs, they can’t do this without your help. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for lazy people on benefits not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

(Above) The Caramac at the centre of the fake brick scandal

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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