Apologies all. This weekend’s News At Ten fan convention has been postponed as the scout hut has been double booked with local actress Helen Mirren’s hen do. I’ll let you know the new date when I have it. Gary Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) News At Ten’s Sir Terry McDonald OBE who was due to be signing autographs and selling merchandise in the scout hut this weekend
Hello everyone. I’m not usually one to give myself a pat on the back, but this week I think I deserve one. All because her majesty HM The Queen has picked up a baton I created this time last year. I am talking about SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) which, through bring and buy sales, sponsored fasts and occasional publicity stunts created such a ground swell of support that the Queen herself has told her Government to ban shopping bags. The World over! So what a roaring success for “grey power”.
I will continue to accept cash donations as shopping bags won’t be banned for a year or two and there’s probably still work to do. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh
(Above) Beckworth’s very own Prince Philip can hardly contain his delight on hearing that bags are to banned the world over
Dear all, just a reminder that this Friday the scouts and guides will be re-enacting, in real time, the D-Day landings. It’s seventy years to the day of this historical occasion and in remembrance regional scout leader Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof has trained his “troops” to perfectly act out the Allie’s beach landing on the school playing fields (weather permitting). It’s only taken 6 months rehearsing, but the boys and girls are now word perfect. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be enthusiastically playing the Germans and it promises to be a moving day out for all the family.
See you “on the beaches.” Thanks Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader
(Above) The Patron Saint of Scouting, Sir Bob- D-Day Geldof
Many thanks to all of you who have searched high and low for my missing lucky pants. I was going to look myself over the weekend but I got distracted watching a D-Day rehearsal by the scouts and brownies and ended up completely blotto in the inns of Beckworth, such is life. But I am happy to say that whilst i was toasting the boys and girls of World war II the Coast Guard found a very similar pair to mine on a pavement 50 miles from my home. It’s amazing what they can spot from a helicoptor. The pants aren’t actually mine but as they almost fit (they are very snug around my undercarriage) I’ll wear them anyway. So many thanks to Flight Commander Collins and his crew, and i’m looking forward to spending an evening in their officer’s mess. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)
PS I’m still missing a balaclava if anyone finds one… Or a woollen hat will do
(Above) The pants found by the Coast Guard helicoptor
Hello. PC Rozzer and I have just come back from a well-earned half-term holiday break at Centerparks to find we’ve been left another clue in the nefarious Stag Do Massacre case. We’d hardly had time to unpack when an observant street sweeper knocked on our door to say they’d found something of interest. PC Rozzer of course thought it was a juicy bone so was disappointed to find it was a discarded Fifty Year Old Baloon left on the pavement outside WHSmiths. The shop is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad remotely destroy the balloon, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This “half term” clue, was obviously left by the Groom’s Uncle Ted who celebrated his half century before the stag night out went wrong and turned to murder. We’re guessing he wants to “come in from the cold” and join a witness protection programme after giving damning evidence against the rest of the 30 strong gang. And this is where you can help. Perhaps you know someone on the witness protection programme? Maybe you’ve stumbled on their true identity and want to blackmail them? Or perhaps, you like me, you just want to take a shower to remove all the suntan lotion from holiday? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case as we slowly get back into the swing of work. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.
(Above) The discarded and deflated “50 Year Old” Balloon
Hello. Just to say that tonights private view of The Hovis Bread and Crumpet retrospective exhibition has been postponed due to mice. The rodents have decimated some key historical exhibits, but the bakers promise to have them replaced by next week. So we are hoping to reschedule the private view, in the library’s Jeffrey Archer Gallery, for 6.30pm Wednesday 4th June. The exhibition is due to open to the public from 19th June. Open daily 10 -5, the entrance fee is £5 or £3 to OAPs, scroungers and the registered blind. Yours, Trinny Poole-Harbour, Curator
(Above) A key exhibit photographed earlier before a gang of delinquent mouses ate it
Hello. Your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are planning on having a summer outting to the local paint-balling centre in the woods (hopefully in July) and are looking for new members to swell our ranks. It is bound to be great fun (hopefully incident free) and a chance to make new “like minded” friends. If you’re interested please contact me in person (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists
(Above) Lionel’s close “friend” Wayne photographed after the naturists’ last paintball outing three years ago (which led to a number of arrests)
Fellow toilet users of Beckworth I have disturbing news fresh from the bowels of the council chambers. The namby-pamby councillors have, in their wisdom, voted to sell off one of our town’s greatest historical assts. I am of course referring to local landmark, the Gentlemen’s public conveniences on the corner of Floyd Street near the statue of Nelson. Not only are the lavatories haunted but the building should be Grade 1 listed for it’s religious significance. It’s status as the UK’s most haunted WC is assured given the numerous sightings of late night visitors skulking in the shadows and hand dryers going off at all hours. Many residents have witnessed cubicle doors banging shut at all hours followed by ghostly moanings and groanings. Poltergeists are said to remove light bulbs and raid the condom machine on a daily basis and mysterious sounds and odours emanate almost hourly from the Victorian latrine. I myself have found unflushable wastage left behind by a phantom owner with irritable bowel syndrome. The red-brick convenience has become so notorious after dark that men choose to use the convenience in pairs, but this tourist attraction still needs saving. It is the UK’s last “angular” men-only convenience. Completely lacking any curves it was designed in the 19th century by leading public convenience builder, and practicing mysogynist, Bishop Lewis Collins. The Catholic bishop believed curves, and the fairer sex, were the work of the devil’s which encouraged fornication so his toilet design were for men only and comprised entirely of sharp angles. As it is the last of his “cathedrals to male defecation” existing in this country we must save it. To this end I am forming Save The Old Angular Toilets, STOATs, to tirelessly campaign to stop the council selling off of this national treasure. Please join me this Thursday at 6.15pm in The Blind Badger pub garden when we will can discuss fund-raising, membership packs and tactics.
Ray Eastleigh. Founder Member. STOATs
Hello. This is an update for all of you closely following the Stag Do Massacre case which PC Rozzer and myself are working tirelessly on, when we’re not in the garden keeping slugs off our onions. Just when we thought we’d seen the last of the clues to this murder an intriguing new one pops up. And not just any clue. A breakthrough clue! A discarded black belt, as worn by Kung Fu experts. So we now know that a member of the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre gang is a black belt in karate. The leather belt was found by an observant member of the public on the path leading to Lover’s Lane. The path is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad blow up the belt, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This vital clue, deliberately left by the Groom’s Old Kung Fu School Pal (Let’s call him Ming for the purposes of our case), was probably meant as a coded message for us to back off as we’re getting close to rounding the violent gang up. But Rozzer and me aren’t intimidated by the Stag Do Massacre gang, so Ming’s wasting his time trying to scare us with belts. This sort of thing might work on crime shows but we’re made of tougher stuff here in Beckworth. And being tough means we need your help. Perhaps you know a tough guy called Ming who’s trousers keep falling down? Maybe you’ve done some kick-boxing with him but found him to be a bit over zealous? Or perhaps, you like me, you want to know if slug pellets really work? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case whilst attending to our vegetable plot. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police
(Above) The martial art’s black belt as found earlier today
Hello. News just in, keen nut collector and local violin teacher Nigel Kennedy has discovered his second nut lookalike in as many years. “Everyone remembers the brazil nut i discovered that looked like Che Guevara…” Nigel reminded me over an early morning white wine-spritza “It sent shock waves around the World when it sold at auction for close to £1 million pounds. But the one I found this week is bound to get even more media attention as it’s a more popular type of nut and looks like one of the Worlds’ most famous women.” He then showed me a photo of an almond and asked if I could guess who it looked like? But as i’d not brought my reading glasses I couldn’t tell. “It’s the spitting image of Amanda Holden! Britain’s Got Talents most favourite judge” he exclaimed whilst topping up my glass. When i looked again and squinted I could see that, despite my blurred vision, the likeness was indeed uncanny. “And” he added “It’s appropriate the likeness is on an almond. Because I hear Amanda loves them. They were her favourite ingredient when she won Masterchef. My almond…” he continued whilst lighting a cigarette “was discovered in a normal packet of mixed nuts.The rest of the nuts were nothing special, but this one, which i’ve christened Almonda Holden, caught my eye. It’s got to be worth a couple of million at least, given her status on TV” Nigel then told me that once again people are claiming it’s a fake, that he drew the face on with biro and that it’s just a money making stunt. But as he said whilst I was paying the large drinks bill “It’s all mother nature’s work. And as we know, she moves in mysterious ways!” So good luck to Nigel and Almonda, I’ll let you know how they get on at auction. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Nut Lookalike Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Spot The Difference: Almonda Holden and namesake Amanda Holden