Unique Valentine’s Gift Left On Lawn

Posted on 14/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, this morning I can for once share happy uplifting news with you. Local resident, and keen collector of hammers, Gilbert Barnstable has today given his wife a unique Valentine’s gift. A tank made out of flowers. “The missus was pleasantly surprised when she drew back the curtains today” Mr Barnstable is quoted as saying “Normally she just finds foxes crap on the lawn but this morning she found a scale model of a Sherman tank made entirely of plastic flowers… It almost brought a tear to her eyes, but she said it was just dust!” Mr Gilbert explained it took him 6 months to make in his shed and he got the idea when watching a documentary about the anniversary of World War One “Me and the missus are big fans of warfare and love weapons, especially tracked vehicles like tanks. So i thought i’d combine celebrating the start of the Great War with giving flowers to her indoors on valentines day” What a thoughtful husband Mr Barnstable is. By the way, the beautiful tank can currently be seen outside the Barnstables’ house but hurry as the police are threatening to have it removed for inciting racial hatred amongst their neighbours. I’ll let you know if I have more news on this wonderful story… Christine Batley. Chief Flowers On Valentine’s Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The flower tank described as racially dangerous by the police

Local Teenager Arrested on Foreign Exchange Trip For Wearing Too Much

Posted on 03/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, shocking news just in. Local teenager, Chelsea Streatham, was arrested this Saturday whilst on her schools’ foreign exchange trip to Newcastle. The shy 15 year old was bundled into a waiting Police riot-squad van for decent non-exposure due to wearing too many layers in the town centre (She was inappropriately dressed in a coat, jumper and jeans whilst waiting outside McDonalds). Geordie Police also cautioned her for being sober during the hours of darkness and in court added “she did not swear, resist arrest or have enough make-up applied when Police approached her. So we had to nick her for the public’s safety”. Speaking outside court her headmistress Cherie Blair said “Chelsea is as an A-grade student who wanted to broaden her horizons and learn a new language by going on this exchange. Her arrest has come as a complete shock and deeply worried the other overtly-clad girls on this foreign trip” then she added “We only chose Newcastle as it is the exotic location of TV’s comedy series Geordie Shores.” Due to the seriousness of the crimes bail has been refused and Miss Streatham is being held in a maximum security prison near Hull until her trial in the summer. Her worried parents have contacted the British Embassy and say they will try to visit her if they can spare the time later in the year. I’ll let you know when i have more news on this chilling crime… Christine Batley. Chief Geordie Shores Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A Geordie Police Officer guards the spot where a Beckworth school girl was arrested for being inappropriately dressed outside a McDonalds “restaurant”

Irreplaceable Items Stolen From Local Old People’s Home

Posted on 14/01/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, shocking news just in, five nights ago the Dick Van Dyke nursing home was burgled with many irreplaceable items being taken. Speaking on behalf of the home, matron Anne Widdecombe CBE, said the break-in only came to light this morning when someone noticed the residents were watching a blank wall where the telly had been. She went on to say many priceless artifacts were very likely stolen including some fake jewellery, a mink coat with the security-tag still on, an original Silver Jubilee Asda biscuit tin, a chipped china figure of ballerina wrestling a bear, a lovely new ipad and camera, the aforementioned big colour telly and a Mr Reginald Owen. Mrs Anne said the insurance company have been informed and were sending someone round on their bike. She also stressed how hard it will be to put a value on Mr Owen, although she would try, going on to mention a ballpark figure of £500,000 plus funeral expenses. “But Reg is priceless really. A real joy to push around in his wheelchair, the life and soul of the home. And it’s very out of character for Mr Owen to go out without his teeth in and his hat on.” she said over a mid-morning Gin “Hence the suspicion that he has also been stolen. Maybe there’ll be a reward for his safe return?” When pressed about him being a potential kidnap victim she added “He was always regaling us with tales about his mischievous Grandsons, Take That‘s Mark Owen and Eastenders’ Sid “Ricky” Owen. So his ransom could be worth a bob or two… Dead or alive!” Police are underplaying the break-in claiming “It is probably just an insurance scam, they’ve tried it twice before,” and dismissed Reg’s disappearance saying “He is probably locked in a toilet having been told to keep out of sight until the insurers pay-up.” Christine Batley. Chief Burglery and Potential Kidnap Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Take That’s Mark Owen who’s Granddad has been reported “stolen”

Disney Announces Sponsorship Of Midweek Day

Posted on 01/01/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It’s not often that The Beckworth Guardian gets a scoop and beats the tabloids and NewsRound to breaking World news, but today we have. An exclusive story has just reached us that cartoon film-makers Disney have reached agreement with World leaders, and calendar and diary manufacturers, to sponsor the 24 hours that fall every week between Tuesday 23.59pm and Thursday 0.01am. The year-long deal will mean the day formerly known as Wednesday will now be known as Wedisneyday. The deal starts today so we really are the first to know! I phoned Disney’s spokesperson Ben Stiller first thing this morning to verify the breaking news, and he told me “Sorry I’m a bit hungover at the moment, could you ring back after 6 this evening?” when confronted with the revelation… So it appears to be 100% true. Christine Batley. Chief Weekday Sponsorship Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Word Of The Year Announced

Posted on 19/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Cambridge Dictionaries have today announced their word of 2013, Smurfy. Although virtually unknown this time last year the word is now the most used verb in the western Hemishere. Celebrities, pop-stars and even World leaders such as Barack Obama and David Cameron are literally queuing up to boost their street cred with a sneaky smurfy (For those of you still living in the dark ages a smurfy is the act of creating a self-portrait using a camera-phone, or more traditional oil paints, whilst dressed as a smurf). Interestingly last years’ word of the year, flatulent, has very quickly dropped out of use primarily since it was banned by the BBC for being over-used in episodes of Eastenders and lowering the tone of University Challenge. Christine Batley. Chief Verb And Noun Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) David Cameron boosting his chances of re-election with a quick smurfy

Tempah Tantrum Over Blown Bulbs

Posted on 13/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Well, what a fantastic evening was had by all yesterday when local folk singer Tinie Tempah switched on Beckworth’s Christmas lights, probably the town’s best ever. And fortunately the ceremony was almost fault free and quite professional, we certainly didn’t want a repeat of last year when comedy duo Jedward were late arriving (their train was derailed by the wrong sort of leaves on the line), or the year before when Dame Judie Dench fell off the podium trying to press the faulty lights-on button. This year the only hiccup was a dozen bulbs blowing after the switch-on, leaving very small Mr Tampah inconsolable. But once placated with a mars bar and a Diet Fanta the little fella said the lights were “very pretty” or rap words to that effect. With the street lit-up it really does feel like Christmas is at last on it’s way… Also, a special mention to local lads made good, Jamie Oliver and his friend Gordon Ramsey, for their wonderful mulled wine and chilli infused mince pies, very yummy though not cheap at £15 a pop. Well done to Mssrs Oliver, Gordon and Mr Tiny. Christine Batley. Chief Christmas Lights Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Tiny Mr Tempah is carried by his minder to switch on the Christmas lights

Halloween Costume Competition Winners Announced

Posted on 01/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. News just in… After much deliberation by our Halloween panel, chaired by Take That singer and fancy dress-shop owner Mark Owen, we can now announce the winners of the 2013 Beckworth’s Best Halloween costumes. Winner of the under 18s was local schoolboy and busking sensation Jake Bugg (you’ve probably seen him playing his guitar outside the bank) and the adults winner was grocer’s daughter and local “entertainer” Lady Gaga. An overjoyed and shocked Miss Gaga was quoted as saying “I’m shocked and totally overjoyed” before explaining “I had only popped out to post a letter and buy some fags!” When asked about her costume Lady replied “To be honest i’d forgotten it was halloween and was only dressed in my old housework clothes.” Well done to both our worthy winners. Christine Batley. Chief Halloween Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Lady_Gaga

(Above) Miss Gaga popping out to the shops in her old housework clothes

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Posted on 11/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. News just in… Local celeb Janet Street-Porter’s attempt to become the first woman with a deaf dog to go around the World in a hot air balloon has come to a dramatic end this lunch time. Sadly after travelling almost 8 miles in 48 hours Mrs Janet’s balloon got blown back to near where it took off only to get snagged on a phone-line. A shaken Mrs Porter-Street said she hoped to try her attempt again next year when the nice weather returns. Thankfully no one was injured in the crash and Mrs St Porter was last seen being comforted by local politician and St John’s Ambulance volunteer Nick Clegg in the pub. Over a shandy and rum chaser Ms Janet said she hopes to able to reuse her balloon once it’s been patched up by the local girl guides and brownies. Good luck with the puncture repairs Beckworth Beavers. Christine Batley. Chief Air Accident Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mrs Porters balloon popped on a phone line earlier today

Up, Up And Away

Posted on 10/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to keep you up to speed with local celeb Janet Street-Porter’s attempt to become the first woman with an aged dog to go around the World in a hot air balloon. She was photographed this morning floating serenely above nearby Inmansworth Safari Park. So far she’s covered 6 miles in over 24 hours. Not at all bad as she hopes to make the entire trip in less than a month, hopefully without toilet breaks. Good luck with “holding it in” for as long as possible Mrs Janet. Christine Batley. Chief Air Balloon and Light Aircraft Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mrs Porter floats gracefully above our local safari park
to the obvious joy of the animals running along below

Full Of Hot Air

Posted on 09/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is a very tired Christine posting this news as I was up before dawn this morning to wave off local celeb and hot air balloon enthusiast Janet Street-Porter from Slocombe airfield. Miss Janet is attempting to become the first solo woman to float around the World single handed in a gold-coloured balloon. Mrs Porter, with the help of her arthritic dog Nimble, hopes to complete the around the World journey in less than a month as she has a dental appointment in early November. So good luck with the trip Mrs Street and Nimble. Christine Batley. Chief Air Balloon and Light Aircraft Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mrs St-Porter fills her balloon with hot air before take-off early this morning

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Christine Batley