Category Archives: The Beckworth Guardian

Residents Vote On Name For Zoo’s Latest Addition

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Breaking legless reptile news just in…You may remember that four weeks ago Beckworth Zoo was blessed with the arrival of a baby male Anaconda and the excited keepers asked local residents to come up with, and vote for, a suitable name for the cuddly critter. Well the votes have been counted and the results are in…. They are as follows: The third most popular choice with 6 votes was Anna (coincidentally the same name as the baby boy’s mother and father, uncle, grandmother and great-granddad). Second was Snakin’ Stevens with 23 votes but the most popular name by far (with a massive 48 votes) was… drum roll please… Scaley McSnakeface. So well done to all Beckworth voters, the 24′ long baby now has a very apt name. Christine Batley. Chief “Serpent” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Scaley, the cute baby ananconda, having his breakfast earlier today

Opening Hours Extended In June

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Breaking Queen Elizabeth II news just in… To celebrate the Queen’s 90th birthday the council (with Government backing) have announced that the opening hours of our local public toilets will be extended by two hours on June 10th and 11th. Our beloved Queen has allegedly said “one is honoured that the WC’s will open earlier and stay open later” before probably adding “that giving her subjects the chance to spend longer “on the throne” is a fitting tribute to one.” Hurrah for HM. I for one will be popping down to spend a penny or two. If they clean them first that is… And get in some nice soft-toilet paper. Christine Batley. Chief “Latrine” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Beckworth’s public toilet opening for more pleasurable hours in June

Banksys Real Identity (Almost) Revealed

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Breaking art news just in…. earlier today local scientists announced they had found out the true identity of the mysterious street artist Banksy using DNA testing. For the time being, to give Banksy time to pay to keep his anonymity, the scientists have only revealed he is a humble well-travelled Argentinian man who lives in Rome….

Banksy-Beckworth_Hello Mum

(Above) Street artist Banksy discretely leaving his mark on the men’s public toilet wall earlier today (the wall will now be sold to raise funds for the council’s Christmas party)

Astronaut Comes Down To Earth With A Bump

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Breaking space age news just in… Local astronaut (and frustrated drummer) Phil Collins has this morning broken the record for the most days and night spent in space. 764 days. Poor Mr Phil was only meant to go into orbit for a week as punishment for annoying his neighbours with his loud drumming and singing, but has been unable to hitch a lift back home to earth. That was until today. His fellow NASA space station astronauts got so fed up with his impromptu “performances” that they personally paid for a rocket to come and pick him up… One was quoted as saying “Whoever reckoned in space no one can hear you drumming, evidently hasn’t been into outer space with this chap!” Mr Collins had a shaky re-entry when his second-hand rocket almost disintegrated but now he’s back on earth Phil says he hopes to get his old band Pink Floyd back together and hit the road. Good luck Phil. Christine Batley. Chief “Space Rock” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Phil Collins, the first drummer in space, returning to Earth earlier today

“Royal” Engagement Announced

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Breaking marriage proposal news just in… Local media magnet (and major benefactor to charity and political parties) Rupert Murdoch has this morning announced his engagement to the beautiful and intelligent model Jerry Hall. For all of us who work within Mr Murdoch’s empire this is the best new years’ gift we could have hoped for and more than makes up for us having a continued pay freeze. One colleague of mine is quoted as saying “it’s even more special than a Royal wedding” to which we all concur. Our heartfelt congratulations go out to the very much in love couple and we wish that the union will be blessed with many offspring. Christine Batley. Chief “Royal Nuptials” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Hugh Hefner, Crystal Harris

(Above) The happy couple, Rupert & Jerry, announcing their engagement

Shock At Death Of Another Rock Legend

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Breaking extremely sad rock news just in… Earlier this morning local rock legend, and keen amateur florist, David Bowie passed away whilst attending a flower arranging course in New York. Mr Bowie was an influence on all those who liked music, fashion and floristry and he will be sorely missed. Rest in peace David. Christine Batley. Chief “Ziggy Stardust” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) The late, great David Bowie pictured in his very minimal Ziggy costume

New Years Honours List, Another Apology

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A second swift retraction just in…. Lawyer’s for David Cameron‘s cousin Cyril are demanding we point out that he is not, as previously implied, actually the PM’s cousin. We are “happy” to clarify that Cyril, a high-profile Tory donor, is in fact Mr Cam’s brother-in-law and so not a blood relation. Thus he gained his new year’s honour in an above reproach fashion. We are of course happy to put the record straight, Christine Batley. Chief “Still Trying To Keep Out Of Court” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

New Years Honours List, An Apology

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A swift retraction just in…. Lawyer’s for David Cameron‘s cousin Cyril are demanding we point out that he was not, as reported in the last hour, made a Duke for his truly pioneering “environmental” work on HS2 and Crossrail. We are “happy” to clarify and state he was promoted for his charitable works and his leadership role as a “Brown Owl” in the local Tory sponsored Crewbury scouts. Best wishes, Christine Batley. Chief “Trying To Keep Out Of Court” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Shock In New Years Honours List

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Shocking political news just in…. Disgraced local ex-MP Nora Berlin is calling for a head-to-toe reform of the loathsome new years honours list. Ms Berlin a long time Tory member and ousted cabinet minister arrived home this morning from a Christmas skiing trip to find her name has been left off this year’s list. Despite being a long-time donor to the party and having “information” on many senior politicians across the house she wasn’t made a Dame as she’d openly predicted. Ms Nora, owner of a string of sex shops and tanning salons, says she will demand a recount and a personal apology from the PM himself unless she gets an OBE at the very least. I’ll keep you posted on this story as it unfolds… On a lighter note David Cameron‘s wife Sam was made a Duchess, his sister Nancy (a writer for the Mail) a CBE, and Mr Cameron’s dear old mum a Baroness. His cousin Cyril who’s already got an OBE was promoted and made a Duke, for his pioneering “environmental” work developing HS2 and Crossrail. So the honours list isn’t entirely corrupt as commonly assumed. Happy New Year, Christine Batley. Chief “Keep It In The Family Honours” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

The Spectator 180th Anniversary - Party

(Above) A clearly delighted David Cameron congratulates his clearly delighted wife Samantha on her becoming a Duchess earlier today

Shock At Death Of Local Rock Legend

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Breaking sad rock news just in… Earlier this morning local rock legend, and keen crown green bowls player, Lemmy passed away in a Los Angeles B&B whilst he was on holiday. Vicar’s son Ian “Lemmy” Kiderminster was the lead singer of pop band Motorhead, who’s hit’s included Ace Of Spades and SClub Party. But to many he is most fondly remembered playing regularly for Beckworth’s mixed bowls team. The ethnically diverse team came fourth last season and Mr Kiderminster was one of it’s star players. Lemmy started his long rock career as a teenager working as a touring bingo caller opening for the likes of Jimi Hendrix, Sooty & Sweep and Abba before forming Motorhead in the mid 1950s. I learnt recently that he earnt his nickname Lemmy as a child, his father affectionately calling all his children after their places of birth, in Ian’s case Leamington Spa. Lemmy’s estranged sister Colchester is opening a book of condolence in the library for those wishing to honour the great man. Rest in peace Lemmy. Christine Batley. Chief “No Sleep Until Hammersmith” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Leamington Spa

(Above) Leamington Spa; the English town that gave it’s name to a rock legend