Today’s Boxing Day Swimming Race Postponed Indefinitely

Posted on 26/12/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello and happy Christmas. I’ve just sneaked away from my reheated turkey breakfast to pass on this message from the organisers of today’ traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. IT’S CANCELLED! Due to recent storms the River Winnet has swollen to dangerous levels and over-cautious health and safety officials have warned the public to keep away… Alternative watery venues have failed to materialise; the swimming pool had it’s roof blown off earlier this week, and is at present closed, and the lido is shut as that is where the swimming pool roof ended up. Organisers hope to reschedule the race as soon as the waters subside. All the best Mayor G. Grimsby.

(Above) The swollen River Winnet this morning before jobs-worth officials
cancelled today’s swimming race

“Cinderella’s” Cigarettes Found

Posted on 18/12/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Following the recent discovery of “Cinderella’s” discarded glass slipper, followed by her leaving a glove by the zebra crossing, Police have now discovered her abandoned empty cigarette packet. Goodness knows what the poor woman must be going through having lost so many personal effects but she can rest easy as CID and now The Sweeney are on the case. Maybe our “Cinderella” just has an appalling memory and can’t remember where she’s dropped things or more likely is the victim of Ugly siblings robbing her blind. The church yard next to Oscar Wilde‘s grave, where the fag packet was found, has been sealed off and declared a potential crime scene by forensics. And we need your help with this dangerous “Glass-Slipper” case. Have you seen a lady, or man in woman’s attire, lose footwear, gloves and an empty cigarette packet? Have you got memory-loss and can’t find your clothing nor your smokes? Maybe your wicked stepmother has locked you in the pantry for smoking all her tabs and coming home minus a slipper? If so ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this potential murder along with CID and The Sweeney and will keep you up to date on the case as it happens. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) Cinderella’s Cigarettes ironically found by the grave of chain-smoker Oscar Wilde

Mary Portas Opens New High-Street Attraction

Posted on 18/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hi, after many months of planning the council can confirm that Mary Portas has today succeeded in regenerating Beckworth high-street by installing one of her very attractive Portas Loos. It’s already proved a must visit destination with no less than 21 people relieved to use the patended self-flushing convenience today alone, and the first, local celeb and witty Irishman Terry Wogan, even received a certificate (after he’d washed his hands). In line with getting as much TV-exposure as possible the mobile toilet was unveiled by Mrs Portas herself whilst the local scouts’ brass band played God Save The Queen in the pouring rain. In line with inflation the cost of spending a penny is just £1.50, or £5 if you do a number two (though that does include free toilet roll), a bargain in these times of recession. The loo is bright pink so easy to find and presently sited right outside the funeral parlour, so is well situated for Santa’s Grotto and Decembers’ January sales. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Mary Portas checks her make-up whilst using the new high street Portas Loo

Remember Remember Our 5th Of November

Posted on 06/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Thank you to all who attended last night’s spectacular Beckworth bonfire celebrations and a special thanks to the emergency services who quickly dealt with all the injuries and the many incidents of arson. The fire brigade were very quickly on the scene to put out the fire at the scout hut which meant the very realistic re-enactment of the gunpowder plot could proceed, albeit without the benefit of having a roof . Also, special mention goes to Noel Edmonds who valiantly put on his (would-be) torch-lit kite display despite running out of batteries. For the few who could make out his kites in the dark night sky it was quite spectacular… probably. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) A dramatic moment captured during Noel Edmonds’ kite display

Beckworth Bonfire Bonanza

Posted on 26/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Next Saturday is the annual Beckworth Bonfire night and this year we’re hoping for a huge record breaking display to make up for last year’s appalling lack of fireworks. You may remember a robbery last October left us with just one catherine wheel and a handful of faulty sparklers to entertain the townsfolk (who were slightly disapointed as tickets were £25 a head non-refundable). This year everyone will get their moneys worth as the ticket includes a free glow-in-the-dark wristband and prices have only gone up by 25% (to cover the cost of wrist bands and council bonuses). Attractions will include an unlit bonfire (due to health and safety concerns), a candle-light parade (adults only) and a woolen effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made by local knitwear designer Kath Kidson. At 7.30 there will be a torch-lit kite display from Noel Edmunds (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the Postman Pat dancers will be hosting an open-air disco. Haute cuisine will include a burger van will be selling partially-cooked meat dishes and the main event will of course be the setting off over 50 large fireworks (with local celeb Zara Philips lighting the fuses). Also, not to be missed at 6.30 the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging the gun powder plot (complete with horses, false-beards and real gun powder) in the scout hut. So see you there! G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Last years firework display after almost all the fireworks were stolen

Allen Key Centenary Celebrations

Posted on 21/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to remind everyone that Floyd street will be partially closed tomorrow, near the site of the ongoing fracking, as we reach the climax of this year’s Allen Key Centenary Celebrations. For those who need reminding, 100 years ago this week local lock-smiths (and cousins) Cyril Key and Norris Allen invented their world famous large “hex keys.” Originally named Cyrris Keys the cousins quickly found no one could spell this (not helped by the fact that customers couldn’t read or write) and so changed to the less clumsy and more memorable name Alan Allen-Key’s Keys, in honour of their late grandfather Alan Allen-Key, a blind blacksmith. A year after first making the keys Cyril and Norris met a passing American travelling salesmen and accidentally sold the patents to him for a shilling and a pint of cider each. The cunning salesman took his find back to the USA, and after much experimenting truncated the name and downsized the keys to make them pocket-sized (the originals were 3′ long). In doing so he made a fortune. But the cousins weren’t bitter “shortening the name was the “key” to success” they said a few years later “and we would never have thought of doing that.” Happily the family business still thrived and today operates out of an alcove in the back of Sainsco supermarket near the nappy aisle. Descendants of the Allen and Key families are tomorrow planning a day singing allen key-based songs, giving away allen key shaped balloons and selling cheap badges made from recycled allen keys. The big draw will be the rarely seen original Allen Key Display team, led by local actor Michael Crawford, reforming for one day only to wow crowds with their death defying allen key based stunts. So come on down, it’s not often you’ll get to see original allen keys in action. Yours Gary Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

(Above) The original full-size Alan Allen-Key’s Key of 1913

Antony Gormley Sculture Unveiled

Posted on 23/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Today saw the triumphant unveiling of Beckworth’s latest piece of public art, a sculpture named “Mother (On Benefits) Of The Repossessed” by local artist, and owner of an OBE, Antony Gormley OBE. Made of Mr Antony’s favoured medium, metal, the sculpture looks like discarded rubbish and in Mr OBE’s own words “aims to capture the mental angst of someone living on state handouts, the feeling of being societies’ discarded rubbish.” Mr Gormless, best known for his Angel Of The North sculpture sited somewhere up North swent on to say “it is also a comment on this Governments’ so called “bedroom tax.” The sculpture was unveiled by art lover, and local celeb, Rihanna, herself a champion of Gormley’s work and can be seen sited behind the gala Bingo near the bins.

Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Antony Gormley (OBE)’s latest sculpture unveiled near the bingo hall bins today

Web Site Back Up And Running

Posted on 03/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hi, thanks to all the readers and contributors to this website for your patience and one message of support during our strike-imposed “radio silence” during August. Thanks to arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them hourly fag breaks and an hour earlier finish on Fridays to allow them time to enjoy happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. So it’s now all systems go and we should be able to resume almost daily posts.

So what has happened in Beckworth in the last four weeks I hear you ask? Well, a lot of course but I have limited time so here are the highlights: The local archeological society put on a most enlightening exhibition in the library “Flushed With Success. The History of Toilets, From BC To WC” which included the display of a recently dug-up Roman commode and was opened by local celeb and sanitation fan Ronnie Corbett. The playing fields was the venue for the very first Beckworth Camping and Surfing show. This proved very popular given the hot weather with lots of tents, caravans, deckchairs and surfboards to sample and buy. The annual Follyfoot Farm’s gymkhana saw famous Les Dennis/Chas and Dave tribute act Les and Dayve play their set repeatedly day and night to rapturous applause until a mysterious fire put the generator out of action. The event also saw the Queen’s daughter Dame Zara Philips win the Shetland Pony Derby for the first time and local celeb Ben Fogle win the dressage on his shirehorse Spangles

Local supermarket Sainsco took over sponsorship and cleaning of the pop-up urinals in the market square and a new joke and magic shop “You’ll Like This… Not A Lot” opened on Floyd Street next to the undertakers. Run by father and daughter Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee it aims to cater for the over 60s Silver Surfers.

Beckworth came 52nd in the international Britain In Bloom competition and the local scooter club celebrated 50 years of being Mods with a run to Brighton over the bank holiday. They unfortunately suffered one fatality on the way there when Sam Bedford’s scooter broke down on the A23 and he was run over by the AA van coming to fix it. Still this was thankfully two less deaths than in 1963 when the club was was set upon by axe wielding rockers.

So that was August… Yours Mayor G Grimsby

(Above) Beckworth’s Scooter Club on their “1963 revisited” run to Brighton just before Sam Bedford’s life was tragically cut short by a breakdown truck

Local Web Site Struck By Flying Pickets

Posted on 17/08/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hi, it is with regret that I have to inform all our readers and contributors that we are temporarily without a functioning “Visit Beckworth” website due to industrial action by the council’s IT Department. I have risked life and limb by crossing a hypothetical picket line just to put this message up…. Please bare with us whilst we deal with “the enemy within” who have been stirring up trouble by singing the Flying Pickets’ Christmas hit single “Only You” since downing tools. We are due to go to arbitration later this month in a bid to resume normal service. Yours Mayor G Grimsby

(Above) 1980s hit makers The Flying Pickets,
a bad influence on the striking Visit Beckworth IT Dept

Spoon Exhibition Opens

Posted on 26/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Great news, after last night’s successful (and drunken) private view we are proud to announce that our latest exhibition is now open to the public. On display in the John & Yoko room at the town hall is Simon Cowell‘s fascinating and truly vast Spoon collection. Spanning the cutlery item’s history from it’s invention in ancient Greece (previously the human race only had forks, which were deemed useless when an ancient greek invented soup) up to the modern digital age. Simon has been an ardent “flatware” collector since his cross-dressing Uncle Boris bought him his first tea spoon for his 12th birthday. “It’s funny, but up until that day I actually suffered from sponophobia. Spoons and ladles scared me to death and brought me out in hives” Mr Cowell told me last night over a sherry “but I confronted my fears and fell in love with all things spooneristic, as we say in the trade. It’s the sensuous shape of a small bowl flowing into a handle that turned me on.” Success has meant that Simon has been able to indulge his passion and he is the envy of Sponofiles (Spoon collectors) all over the World. In fact some of his collection are so sought after that we’ve had to employ an elderly security guard to work part time. But it’s not just the collection that makes Simon exhibition fascinating, because to relax (in between judging talent shows and opening supermarkets) Simon likes to make spoons into jewellery and he has many reasonably priced items for sale in the town hall gift shop. So come on down, it’s the exhibition of a lifetime. Yours Gary Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

(Above) Simon Cowell wearing one of his home-made spoon-neckalaces
at the private view of his Spoon collection

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Town Council