Full Of Hot Air

Posted on 09/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is a very tired Christine posting this news as I was up before dawn this morning to wave off local celeb and hot air balloon enthusiast Janet Street-Porter from Slocombe airfield. Miss Janet is attempting to become the first solo woman to float around the World single handed in a gold-coloured balloon. Mrs Porter, with the help of her arthritic dog Nimble, hopes to complete the around the World journey in less than a month as she has a dental appointment in early November. So good luck with the trip Mrs Street and Nimble. Christine Batley. Chief Air Balloon and Light Aircraft Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mrs St-Porter fills her balloon with hot air before take-off early this morning

Missing MI5 Computer Found

Posted on 07/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought i’d share the fantastic news that this morning local Police (namely me) have probably found the missing computer belonging to an absent-minded MI5 agent (Government spy). A bit of detective work had me literally falling over it outside a house belonging to hardman Vinnie Jones. The spy, simply known as Jerry, left his laptop computer containing all this country’s Most Top Secret files on a train after he got drunk at a leaving do last Friday. He was worried it might fall into the wrong hands (i.e. A foreign spy might find it, or worse, it might get sold on Ebay) so obviously i’ll be in line for a big cash reward and maybe even a knighthood for finding it. I’ll keep you posted once i’ve contacted the lost property bit of MI5. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The missing MI5 computer found today in the street outside Vinnie Jone’s house

Plastic Cutlery Amnesty

Posted on 03/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. As you may be aware, one of Mother Earth’s scarcest resources, namely plastic cutlery, is now in very short supply. It is feared that without taking drastic action now we may ultimately face a future without disposable tableware. “Customers come to my restaurants expecting the finest throw-away spoons, forks and knives” says chef Gordon Ramsey “They f****** love ‘em! But soon I’ll have to stop giving them away as they’re getting more expensive than the f****** ingredients in my food.” To try and save our beloved cutlery the World’s Eco Emporiums and Health Food Shops (such as mine) are uniting and holding a month long Plastic Cutlery Amnesty. Campaign spokesperson Russell Brand says “If you, or someone you know, has such used or unused cutlery you can anonymously drop it into a designated bin no questions asked. So clear out your drawers and handbags. Just imagine, together we can save these beautiful man-made utensils from extinction and continue to harvest this precious commodity for generations to come.” Well said Mr Brand. Clifford Pinner

(Above) Without your help this increasingly sought after cutlery will be lost forever

Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand Opens

Posted on 26/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

After five years of planning I am pleased to say that Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand (Incorporating SnowWhiteLand) is now open to the public on the site of the disused Beckworth Quarry. To pull in the crowds no expense has been spared and amongst the dozen or so rides we boast the UK’s first stairlift based helter-skelter and the world’s only mining-based rollercoaster. Pay a bit extra and there’s a Santas Grotto to queue for, a reindeer patting area (appointment only) and Snow White’s cafe staffed by midgets. Some Friday nights the whole place will be sprayed with fake snow (providing we can get enough of that polystyrene stuff you get in big parcels) so weekends will be extra magical and more expensive. Please note that everyday the first customer through the gates will get 10% discount in the gift shop so it’s worth queuing overnight. Co-manager Robin Thicke has declared this Christmas/Seven Dwarf themed attraction is the best he’s ever worked at, and he’s worked at quite a few between singing gigs on cruise ships. So come and celebrate Christmas and stunted growth early this year. Dick Van Preston. Manager. Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand.

Must-see attractions include Santa’s Grotto (Above Top)
and the white-knuckle Gravel Shute rollercoaster ride (Above Bottom)

Gormley Sculpture Swept Away

Posted on 24/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is with a heavy heart that I have to relay the sad news that Antony Gormley (OBE)’s new sculpture “Mother (On Benefits) Of The Repossessed has been accidentally disposed of just hours after it’s unveiling in Beckworth. The head of the council’s waste disposal and street cleansing dept was quoted as saying “It looked so much like rubbish that one of our enthusiastic street operatives just swept it up and deposited it into his cart which was then emptied at the local tip” The council has promised to try and “rebuild” the sculpture as they are believed to have found a few bits of the art work. So good luck with that. Christine Batley. Chief Art And Recycling Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Antony Gormley’s sculpture stood here earlier today

Antony Gormley Sculture Unveiled

Posted on 23/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Today saw the triumphant unveiling of Beckworth’s latest piece of public art, a sculpture named “Mother (On Benefits) Of The Repossessed” by local artist, and owner of an OBE, Antony Gormley OBE. Made of Mr Antony’s favoured medium, metal, the sculpture looks like discarded rubbish and in Mr OBE’s own words “aims to capture the mental angst of someone living on state handouts, the feeling of being societies’ discarded rubbish.” Mr Gormless, best known for his Angel Of The North sculpture sited somewhere up North swent on to say “it is also a comment on this Governments’ so called “bedroom tax.” The sculpture was unveiled by art lover, and local celeb, Rihanna, herself a champion of Gormley’s work and can be seen sited behind the gala Bingo near the bins.

Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Antony Gormley (OBE)’s latest sculpture unveiled near the bingo hall bins today

New Term At Re-Sited Beckworth FE College

Posted on 18/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello to you all. May I take this opportunity to introduce myself to you and to our wonderful re-sited Further Education college. My name is Barbara Windsor (Not the one who’s bra fell off in Carry On Camping nor the one in Eastenders, though we do share certain noticeable physical attributes) and I am the head of the faculty. Over the summer we moved into our lovely new site on Madonna Lane, where we share a building with KwikFit, and yesterday the college was officially opened by ex-alumni, and local author, Katie “Jordan” Price. Due to an increase of space and improved facilities we can now offer more courses, for both the young, old and infirm. Induction week starts next Monday and we have a lot of evening classes on offer, including some new ones such as Welding For Beginners, Tantric Sex (Taught by Gordon Sumner), Living With Jihad, Arm Wrestling, Noel Edmunds‘s Kite Flying Lessons, Forgeries and print-making, and Deep Sea Diving theory… So join us next week but you better be quick as demand is bound to be high. Yours Barbara Windsor (Mrs). Head of the Faculty. Beckworth Further Education College

(Above) Ex-student Katie Price opens the new FE College

Where Do You Think You Are?

Posted on 16/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. You may have noticed that today the town has been swamped by a three-man BBC camera crew filming a new TV series. “Where Do You Think You Are?” is hosted by the pretty model and ex-army cadet Fern Cotton and sees celebrities dropped into the middle of nowhere with just a rain-mac, some boiled sweets and a compass to test their survival skills. Without any previous training they are expected to find their way back to their birthplace within a week by living on their wits, stealing food and walking miles as riding on public transport or getting taxis is off-limits. The episode they are filming in and around Beckworth sees Dale Winton trying to return to his Gran’s council flat in Bethnal Green with, I am told, hilarious consequences. It sounds like a must see programme, so good luck to Dale and the BBC. Christine Batley. Chief TV and Survival Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Dale Winton passes through Beckworth on his way to his Gran’s in East London

The OAFs Need You

Posted on 13/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Fellow citizens of Beckworth, and surrounding environs, the time has come for us to defend our way of life, to put on a united front to and stop faceless corporations mugging us on our high street in broad daylight. I am of course talking about the harmful fracking that has started on Floyd Street, Beckworth’s heart if you will. Without warning the road and pavements (sidewalks to our non-English speaking foreign residents) of our vibrant shopping street are being torn up, just to find gas for cookers. I can speak for the majority of residents when I say we cook with electric so have no need for this fracked gas (apart from a small need to run the central heating, but thats just in winter and cold days the rest of the year). So I am organising an anti-fracking group, Oldies Against Fracking, and will tirelessly campaign to stop this digging up of our high street just for the greater good of this country. I didn’t even vote for Nick Clegg‘s Liberals and know fracking is his ruddy idea! This coalition will be the end of us, gas or no gas! Anyway, please join us this Wednesday at 10am when we will attempt to surround the fracking site with a human shield (Bring sarnies and a flask as we plan to be there until near tea time, or earlier if it rains).

Ray Eastleigh. Founder Member. Oldies Against Fracking (OAFs)

(Above) The Fracking starts on Beckworth High Street

Prescott Express Delayed By Leaves On The Line

Posted on 09/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Many commuters were today struck by a double-dose of travel misery, effecting both the working-classes who can’t afford a car (or are banned from driving) and inconveniencing residents who choose to shun local shops and drive to the large out-of-town Tesburys supermarket. Users of the Beckworth to Slocombe Road experienced long queues as the road is dug up by utility companies for the fifth time in six months (work is expected to last 4 weeks and leave deep potholes in the road) and for train users delays are ongoing on the recently opened 3 mile Beckworth to Inmanston railway (due to leaves on the line and the wrong kind of rain splashing the rails). A spokesman for the rail franchise (run by ex-politician John “One Train” Prescott) said “once we can be arsed to clear the tracks a normal two trains a week service will resume. In the meantime a rail-replacement bus service is in operation and Beckworth Roamer travelcards will be accepted by local bike-hire companies.” So good luck to all travellers during this difficult time. Christine Batley. Chief Transport Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Rail Franchise owner, and sole train driver, John Prescott earlier today patiently waiting at a red signal near Beckworth station due to lethal leaves on, and near, the track

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings