Royal Choice On The Voice

Dear all, just to say that I have taken my Voice vote-rigging complaint to the watchdog, OffGen, and i’ll let you know how I get on. It looks very much as if all the votes were directed towards one singer, which would have been a fair landslide if it had been Tom Jones protoge, my cousin Jack-Agoogoo. I have had more than five emails of support and two people are joining me in not paying the licence fee. On a positive note the Palace has contacted me to say The Queen wants to book Jack to sing Kajagoogoo songs at the birth of Wills and Kate‘s first child (and they let slip the child will be called Neville, but I’m sworn to secrecy). So even Royalty recognises who should have won.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo

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(Above) William and Kate of Wales overjoyed at the news that the Queen has booked Jack-Agoogoo to sing at the birth of their first child, Prince Neville

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Saturdays’ Sunday, Mondays’ Tuesday

Just to let you know that due to ongoing works to stem a sewage flood in the ladies powder room this coming Saturday’s Saturdays gig at The Macadamia Hall will be postponed until Sunday 30th. Next Tuesday’s Happy Mondays gig should be uneffected. Tickets are still available for both sold-out concerts.

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall

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(Above) The Saturdays photographed during rehearsals last Friday

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Dubious Choice On The Voice

Dear all, I imagine you are as gutted as me about tonights final of The Voice. I mean, what the h**l happened? How could a clear winner, Jack-Agoogoo, come third? He gave his all, even suffering a suspected heart attack (later diagnosed as indigestion) mid-song. That alone should have got the sympathy votes. Tom Jones is in pieces as he lost a big bet that would have seen him set up for life. I’m not alone in blaming ruddy Will.I.Am for the lack of votes, fancy saying Jack’s singing was flat. It wasn’t flat. Poor Jack’s suffered throughout the whole series by having faulty microphones. Anyway, we were so obviously robbed that we’re demanding a recount (by people not a computer). He deserved to win, he was street’s ahead of the two birds and every week he was viewers choice. So watch this space as I’m going to fight this all the way for my cousin Jack. Until this is resolved I won’t be paying my TV licence and you should do the same. That should get the BBC to recount and make the right choice of winner.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo

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(Above) Andrea Begley, allegedly winning the Voice 2013

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At Last, Fame For Ronnie

Hello world, Ronnie here. This is the first time parts of my interview have been heard, but i think you’ll agree its been worth the wait. LOL Ronnie

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Make The Right Choice Tonight On The Voice

Dear all, just a quick message as I rush off to the Voice studios for tonight’s live final. We need your votes more than ever to help Jack-Agoogoo win tonight, because in a bout of paranoia the BBC have replaced my friends and family as vote counters with a ruddy computer (which we all know can go wrong). So please plesae please vote for my cousin Jack. He deserves to win if only to get more lucrative gigs in the future.

Thansk Nelly, Jack-Agoogoo’s manager

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(Above) Jack relaxes pre-show with host of The Voice, Holly Willoughby

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Thank God For The Faith Tones

This is a message to all of you who have tickets for the secret Arctic Monkeys‘ Glastonbury warm-up gig tonight. Unfortunately the band have had to pull out at the last moment due to ill health (hangovers) but I am very pleased to say that local folk trio, and ”friends of Jesus”, The Faith Tones, have stepped into the breach. The popular Godbotherers have promised to play tracks from their fab new LP Jesus Use Me, as well as from their previous LPs Jesus We’ve Been Waiting A Long Time and Jesus It’s Really Cold Outside. The all-lady threesome will be rocking our back room venue from 8.30 and Arctic Monkeys tickets are valid. So if you like bopping to Godfearing lady singers whilst drinking real ale (this week’s featured ale is Demon’s Dung) tonight is for you. And don’t worry if you don’t already have an Arctic Monkeys ticket as we’ve got plenty on the door. See you tonight. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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Professor Cox’s Did You Know This: Why Do We Have The Longest Day?

Hello all, Brian here, I’m once again using my immense knowledge of the universe to improve your lives. Today, as you probably know is “the longest day” and all over the planet people are celebrating but how many of us know why? The answer is, like so many of today’s inventions, down to our old friend the Romans.

Before the Roman’s no one had any idea about time nor had they noticed that some days were noticeably longer than others. In fact it was the ancient Greeks in about 550BC who first discovered night time, before that people were probably too dumb to care. Anyway in about 220BC a roman scientist and cloud watcher called Cumilus Nimbus noted that at on some days he could apparently watch clouds for longer than others. He got his friend, a jeweller called Timexius Swatchius, to invent the sandclock (the forebare of the egg timer) so Cumilus could time the hours in the days, and sure enough his hunch was correct. Some days were longer. After 6 years of study Mr Nimbus declared that one day in particular was longer than all the others put together, but due to human error he believed the longest day was April 14th. It wasn’t until 15AD that another scientist, and coincidentally also a cloud watcher, Stratus Fractus did further lengthy studies and correctly identified that June 21st was actually most often the longest day. To celebrate the momentus occasion, his friends Blackerus and Deckius invented the barbecue to cook food for the Gods. Mr Fractus didn’t stop with a longest day, as in later life he also discovered there was a shortest day, and he was overjoyed as that almost coincided with the birthday of his good friend and neighbour Jesus, which meant party time! So there you go, another Did You Know This fact complete. I’m off to the pub now as I’ve got a bet on with the Pet Shop Boys to see who can drink the most pints of beer in daylight hours. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) A Roman centurian enjoys one of the first Longest Day barbecues

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It’s Green Cross Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the longest day in a very long time and down at 99p Land we’re having a Green Cross sale to celebrate. Pop-in to 99p Land for all your mid-summer needs as there’s 10% off a few old sale items marked with a green cross. And in honour of this one day mid-summer sale we’ve got local celebrity Paris Hilton opening the shop with the first 10 customers through the door getting a 99p voucher to spend as they wish on the day (offer excludes cigarettes, folding-chairs, alcohol, picnic hampers, condoms, sunblock and carrots). We’re open 8 till 8 (closed for an hour at lunchtime) so it’s going to be a very long day indeed. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land

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Mummer’s Pride

Hello. Just to remind all readers that tomorrow is the summer solstice, the day when for centuries the good folk of Beckworth have gathered at the Hammerite stones for all-day celebrations, from before dawn until past sunset. It’s a wonderful, historical day for all ages, the schools will shut so children can attend and the old folks home is bussing residents down for the occasion. Highlights will include the druids dancing naked through the stones to invoke the sun to rise (and again at dusk to get it to set), animal sacrifice, the Beckworth Bothamers performing morris dances and skinny dipping in the river. This year also sees a revival of the mid-morning “marriage” of Beckworth’s Maiden In White to the Old Slocombe Codger (banned in the 17th century after all the town’s unmarried maidens fell pregnant) and in the evening the burning of a wicker effigy of the Old Dick of Beckworth. Pride of place as always goes to the mummers enacting mystery plays for 18 hours non-stop. There will be much merriment, dancing and singing, food and drink stalls, including one serving the Beckworth Devil’s Punch (alcoholic and non) made from fruits gathered at last summer solstice. Music will be performed by local naturist folk bands and we’re especially lucky this year to have local boys done good Status Quo stripping off to play at midday. For the youngest family members there will be a bouncy castle within the stone circle, pin the dress on the virgin and donkey rides. For older residents the ever popular “throw rocks at criminals in the stocks” (Prisoners courtesy of Septonville Prison) will be in place. So come to the Hammerite stones tomorrow and be at one with mother nature.

Clifford Pinner. The Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancers

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(Above) Mummers on a recent shopping spree

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Regina Here… Again

My goodness, here are some more bits of my enthralling life story for you to enjoy…. Thank you Regina

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