Very Serious: Lost & Found

Posted on 19/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Blimey, what a busy day we’re having at the police station today, and all because Beckworth’s high-security prison lost some of it’s inmates during an open day last week. So we’ve been called in to round ‘em up. HMP Septonville houses some of the UK’s most infamous criminals and it appears that a few of the scumbags (about 136 at last count) did a bunk on Friday by tieing up and swapping clothes with the unsuspecting visiting public and going awol with their cars. So we’re putting out a UK wide appeal (it’ll even be on CrimeWatch!), for everyone to be on the look out for violent criminals disguised as the general public. Have you noticed that your neighbours have suddenly moved without warning and the new ones are a bunch of large shaven-headed men who have been using threatening behaviour? Maybe your relatives have changed physical appearance over the weekend and have been stealing from you? If you think your wife is now a muscular bald axe-murderer please let us know. Needless to say please don’t approach these pretend members of the general public as they may be dangerous and quite angry. Also, and of equal seriousness, we’ve had another trumpet found in the town which i’ve added to our haul of brass instruments. Is it yours? Could it be part of the prison break? To impart valuable information about either crime, ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove. I’m leading both horrific cases and won’t rest until they’re solved (although i do have holiday booked next week so don’t bother me then). PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Some of the missing ne’er-do-wells disguised as the public

Beckworth Star Spot: François Hollande

Posted on 18/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

I’ve just spotted French president François Hollande asking for directions to the G8 summit. He’s a bit lost as it’s happening in Northern Ireland but I heard him telling someone he’d got on the wrong ferry after a boozy night out in Calais.

(Above) Francois Hollande lost in Beckworth this lunch time

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Posted on 17/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just to let you know what a success Friday’s open day at HMP Septonville was. Our local maximum-security prison certainly know how to make visitors welcome especially us women-folk! Just to say I wasn’t the only one to find romance on the day, the place is chock-full of potential soul mates (there are so many wrongly-convicted young men locked up in there!) Anyway, a couple of people signed up for work-experience under the Government’s Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme, which is great, and we all made lot’s of new friends. On the downside, if you can call it that, a few inmates did manage to escape on the day by mingling with us happy visitors. As they say, you can’t make an omelette without buying eggs. I found eight men squeezed into my mini when I got home, and after a lovely weekend enjoying the sunny weather and having a trip to the seaside some have now sadly returned to the prison with an unneccessary Police escort. Reg “The Slocombe Strangler” Bosworth is still at large after baking me a lovely Jamie Oliver souffle as a gift, and the loveable big softy is welcome at my home any time.

Given the success of the event more local employers are promising open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

(Above) The Slocombe Strangler’s souffle

Top Choice On The Voice

Posted on 16/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all, I’d just like to say a huge thank you to all of you who voted my cousin Jack through to next week’s live final of The Voice. Your support makes all the hard work worthwhile, and don’t forget if you bring me your phone bill showing the Voice phone number on it at least 20 times, there’ll be £2 off your next bill at 99p Land (if I’m on the tills)! I also have to say a very huge thank you to my friends and family who manned the phones last night at the BBC and to my Uncle Bryan for counting up the final votes. Just to say, if last night had been the final, and not the semi’s, Jack would have romped home with over 80% of all the votes!!! Tom Jone’s is well chuffed with the results as he has a large bet on Jack winning that could pay off his mortgage and payday loan. Just a reminder that Jack is still available for bookings (of his popular Kajagoo tribute act Jack-Agoogoo), though once he wins The Voice this coming Saturday he will cost a lot more to book.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Jack-Agoogoo takes a fag break during rehearsals

If You Love Sandwiches And Scrabble This Will Be Right Up Your street

Posted on 15/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello, my name is Kenneth Kennilworth and I do hope you find my interview interesting… though I won’t blame you if you don’t. Best wishes, Kenneth

Show Your Father How Much You Care

Posted on 15/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

At Fawke’s we know that buying the perfect gift on father’s day is very stressful, would he want aftershave again, a new lawnmower or a trip to see a Thai masseuse? Decisions are hard to make, that’s why we’ve solved your dilemma and have the perfect gift that shows you care. Together with our team of experts you can make his funeral arrangements and as a special offer (for this weekend only) we are giving 20% off all our paternal funerals. So why not swing by with your Dad for tea and a chat and we can measure him up for that final trip of a lifetime. Father’s young and old are welcome, because let’s face it Mr Death will come knocking whatever age you get to. But don’t take our word for it, we’ve got paid-for celebrity testimonials:

If ever I was dead, or feeling unwell, I would want a Fawkes funeral… or something similar but a lot cheaper – Daniel Craig, 007

I’ve already picked out a camouflaged coffin with a gun turret and laser beams for my big day – Ross Kemp

They do nice sandwiches and flowers – Victoria Pendleton

Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals.

Local Lass A Shoe-In For New Who

Posted on 14/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Big news in Beckworth is the rumour that local girl, and the voice of Iceland, Kerry Katona, is the BBC’s favoured actress to play the next Dr Who. Kerry, a fine singer, actress and party hostess (with her own line of small party nibbles) has been quoted as saying “They’d be ****in’ crazy not to choose me. I’ve got the ****in’ lot. The looks, the brains and I could sing all those ****in’ aliens to death” Let’s hope the BBC announce Ms Katona’s appointment very soon as she’s already out spending her potential earnings.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A paparazzi snap of Kerry allegedly modelling Dr Who’s new look on set

Who’s The Daddy?

Posted on 14/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

This weekend, in celebration of Father’s day, we are offering 50% off all paternity tests. Our recently opened health centre (in the back of the chemists) offers discreet walk-in medical checks, passport photos and instant diagnosis of your sexual health. Our resident clinician “Dr” Vince* is a qualified urine therapist and once worked as a hospital porter, so knows all about medicine, especially anything related to sex stuff. Dr Vince offer treatments for lack of Testosterone (Jaffa Syndrome), weight gain, “mr floppy” problems, and irritability. Sperm donations also taken (no appointment neccsessary and we have our own “specialist magazines” on site). As they say on Casualty “the doctor* will see you now…”

Abdul Ackworth, chemist. Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth.

* Vince has never been, nor claims to be, a real doctor. It’s more a term of affection

Get Fit With Hit & Knit Tonight

Posted on 13/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Starting tonight at 7.30, Olympic athlete and horse-whisperer Clare Balding is once again running her famed Hit & Knit course in the gym. Running one evening per week for three months it combines the mental & physical riguers of knitting with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Inspired by the Rocky films, Clare’s used it to successfully train the SAS, Network Rail staff and the cast of Cats. Just think, before you can say “Hit One, Purl One” you’ll have made yourself a matching scarf, hat and gloves and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you! All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £2,600 (excluding costs of materials and medical insurance). See you tonight. Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

(Above) Clare’s Aunt Dolly models her new look at the end of the last Hit and Knit course

Celebrate Father’s Day With A Kebab

Posted on 12/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hey you lucky people, this Sunday we will be opening 11 ’til 11 and offering a one day only all you can eat offer (from the salad bowl only) for all father’s purchasing a large donar kebab, large fries and a greek beer. All that for £13.99. At this crazy price it’s not to be missed, so bring all your father’s (Grandfather’s also welcome). See you Sunday.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings