Cockney Tribute Act Performing Tonight

Great news for all the fans of jellied-eels, cockney music and out of tune pianos, as the UK’s eighth best Chas & Dave tribute act will be performing in Beckworth tonight. The act, aptly named Ches & David, will be performing the real duo’s two hits but promise to liven things up with a few surprises including some mime, juggling and lots of anecdotes about appearing on Masterchef and being extremely famous. In an email David Mitchell, the act’s “joanna player” (pianist), told me that he and his East End singing partner Ches (Chesney Hawkes) have been rehearsing for a couple of hours and are very excited to be performing, especially as the pub is paying them in crisps and lemonade. It’s only £9.50 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is Where Is Sue Perkins When You Need Her. Warning: If you don’t like D-List celebrities singing in poorly “put-on” East London accents and going all “Mary Poppins” then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Beckworth_Ches & Dave

(Above) Musical mockneys Chesney & David rehearsing their moves earlier today

Mrs Princess Middleton To Vote Labour At Local Hospital

Water-breakage news just in… It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 7.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Middleton booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Kate has gone into labour. A hospital source said Princess Middleton‘s waters had broken on a visit to Lidl and she looked radiant as her husband Prince William had porters transport them both on trolleys to the newly cleaned maternity wing. Members of the Royal family and parliament are expected to attend the birth and have already started arriving. Many, like the Queen and Duke Phillip of Greece, have come on horse back. According to tradition all members of court will be present at the birth of the future Prince/Princess and portaloos have been installed in the hospital car park so the VIPs have somewhere to rest between contractions. Kate and Williams’ favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry are said to be unavailable to perform as court jesters and so Jo brand has been drafted in at the last moment. As is customary at state occasions Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be on hand to add extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage, with Mrs Kate’s Uncle Boris Johnson installed at the foot of the bed to keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Princess Middleton’s bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth Jo Brand

(Above) Funny Jo Brand knitting baby booties whilst telling jokes to the Royal couple

Royal Baby On It’s Way

Hello all. It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 5.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Wales booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Wales has gone into labour. A hospital source said Kate Middleton was fully dilated and looked radient as her husband Prince William got porters to transport them both in wheelchairs to the newly painted maternity wing. All morning the Royal family and members of court and parliament have arrived in hired minibuses to attend the birth. According to tradition all will be present at the birth of the future monarch and to accommadte them specially rented portacabins have been installed in the hospital car park. Kate and Williams favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry will keep her distracted during the birth, as court jesters have done for centuries, and of course Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be there to give the occassion extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage. Friend of the Royal couple Steven Fry has been installed at the foot of the bed and will keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Mrs Wales bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Minibus

(Above) The Queen and members of the Royal household arriving at Beckworth hospital