Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Russian “Roping Scandal” Helps Local Olympian Reach Final In Rio

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Breaking late afternoon news from early this morning in Rio (apologies I slept through the live coverage after a boozy night out and am only just catching up now)… Local not a gold-medalist skipper Bethany Folkestone had a stroke of luck in the semi-finals when the Russian competitor was disqualified due to a “roping scandal.” It was found she was using non-standard length skipping ropes and had extra-bouncy odour-eater soles in her trainers. So plucky 8-year old Bethany scraped through to the finals where, despite a valiant effort, she came last with just two points out of a possible 120. Gold contentiously went to North Korea, Silver to South Sudan and Bronze to Tuvalu (which i’d never heard of and sounds like the name of a ballroom). But as a famous loser once said it’s not the winning, it’s the taking part. But like we believe that! Commiserations to Bethany, let’s hope she does a lot better in 2020. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Not Bothering To Stay Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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(Above) The Russian team’s non-standard length skipping rope

Local Olympian Does Us Proud In Rio

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Early morning news from Rio… Local could-be gold-medalist Bethany Folkestone has made it through to the semi-finals of the 2016 Olympics Games skipping which will take place tomorrow night in Rio. Confusingly that will mean it won’t be shown on telly until Saturday morning in the UK. Plucky 8-year old Bethany came last amongst the plucky skipping qualifiers but I am told she’s probably keeping her energy stored for the finals. It has also emerged that her Olympic costume is currently on a plane circling Beijing but may arrive in Rio in time for the closing ceremony (Bethany is currently competing in her vest and a pair of borrowed far-too-large shorts). Good luck to Bethany. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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(Above) An artists impression of the view of Beijing that Bethany’s lost gym kit is currently enjoying

Local Olympian Competing On Telly Tonight

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Breaking news from Rio… Local would-be gold-medal Bethany Folkestone will be competing in the qualifying rounds of the 2016 Olympics Games skipping this evening at 11.22pm our time. Confusingly in Brazil it will be morning, so don’t be surprised to see competitors still in their jim-jams eating breakfast. In a text message to her Mum here in the UK plucky 8-year old Bethany said she was excited to be competing at last despite still not having her gym kit (the airline who lost it say it’s currently on it’s way to New Zealand). Good luck to Bethany. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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(Above) An artists impression of the plane carrying Bethany’s lost gym kit

Local Cleaning Firm Win Two Major Contracts

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Good early afternoon to you all. On behalf of the Beckworth trade guild I am delighted to announce that local cleaning company, Nun and Dusted, have beaten off stiff Eastern European competition to win not one but two major contracts this week. And it’s only Tuesday! One is to regularly clean Beckworth’s Chinese owned and built nuclear reactor (with immediate effect following last weekend’s hushed up leak) and the second is to annually spring clean the North Korean owned and run sewage works at Inmanton. The wimple-wearing hygiene operatives are based in the local convent St Mary Of The Broom And Hoover which is run by ex-school caretaker and now top nun, the reverend Mother Glendolina. She has the company staffed exclusively by novice “sisters” who have taken vows of extreme cleanliness and OCD in addition to celibacy, poverty and occasional silence. The reverend Mum Superior told me in a letter “We are delighted that God has awarded us these contracts over the likes of cheap foreign competitors Spit & Polish and Spic and Stan” before adding in red biro “and in the name of the Father, Mother Mary, JC and the Holy Ghost we promise to keep the reactor and sewage treatment plant spotless or may the Lord smite me down with the jawbone of an ox.” Well done to the nuns and good luck with your expanding business. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerceand

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(Above) An operative from local cleaning company Nun and Dusted in full action

Heroic Son Speed Skates To Rio

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Hello to Beckworth residents and to the many millions of my husband Noel’s dedicated fans. I wanted to keep you updated with the whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist, last seen serving six years hard-labour in an Italian jail. Well, I’m pleased to announce that he escaped prison and today our dear boy arrived safely in Brazil. Handsome Neil hitched a six-month lift from Italy to Rio on a leaky oil tanker and practiced skating almost daily on the rusty deck. You may remember he left Beckworth a couple of years ago on his solo around the World quest and after a few hiccups is now at the 2016 Olympics. He sadly isn’t competing due to alleged irregularities, which we blame on his Russian trainer, but will be watching many events including his favourite event. The diving. You can sponsor Edmunds Jnr on his around the world trip via his dad (Noel Edmunds)’s Deal Or No deal website, and believe me he needs all the money he can get. Bribed prison guards, Olympic tickets and five-star hotels don’t come cheap, even when you’re the son of the World’s greatest TV game-show host. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds

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(Above) A artist’s impression of an oil tanker ideal for Neil Edmunds to skate on

Local Boy Likely To Be Honoured In Ex-PMs Honours List

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Breaking David Cameron news just in… The Sunday Times newspaper has just released more details of the Tory faithful who “helped” Mr Dave in office and who are likely to be “thanked” in his latest honours list… One of the 943 new conservative peerages is said to be local lad, Mohammed Barnsley, who for many months has been delivering daily papers, “amateur photography” mags and comics to the Cameron’s third home here in Beckworth. If the peerage comes true it will certainly be a great day for the town, and a morale boost for all the plucky paper-round lads and lasses around the country. If he is elected to the “House Of Lords” 11 year old Master Barnsley would be one of the youngest right-wing Lords ever. I’ll keep you posted if i get more honours list news… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Cash For Honours Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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(Above) An artist’s impression of young Master Barnsley dressed as a Lord

Local Olympian Leads Team GB In Rio Opening Ceremony

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Breaking news from a few hours ago… Local would-be gold-medal skipper Bethany Folkestone surprised all the World last night by leading out team GB in the opening ceremony of the 2016 Olympics Games. A clearly delighted 8-year old Bethany was allowed to stay up past her bedtime and got to carry a small Olympic twig, whilst her new BFF and Rio room-mate Andy Murray got to show off by waving a far too big English flag. Congratulations to Bethany. And to Andy… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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(Above) Bethany, on the right, carrying her souvenir Olympic twig with pride

Local Olympian Arrives In Rio

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Newsflash, newsflash… Local would-be gold-medalist Bethany Folkestone has arrived in Rio for the 2016 Olympics Games after a gruelling 96 hour journey. In a text an exhausted Bethany said she’s desperate for the loo and could do with having something to eat and drink. Hopefully in a Nandos. In a second text she mentioned her luggage had been lost, so she may have to compete barefoot in her vest and pants. We wish Bethany well in Brazil and hope her gym kit arrives very soon. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Rope Jumping Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

PE Kit

(Above) An artists’ impression of Bethany’s missing Olympic gym kit

Later This Week Why Not Not Pop A Squirrel In Your Pocket

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Hello. Just a reminder that Wednesday to Friday this week it’s National Take A Rodent To Work For Part Of The Week week. This is a golden opportunity to introduce all our small furry friends to the world of gainful employment, whether full- or part-time, and get them off benefits. And, if you yourself are one of our beloved country’s many many workshy, the unemployed can take their mammals to sign-on or to accompany them to the off-licence to get drunk and abusive outside the station. And let’s not forget our aged end-of-life retired citizens who can take mice, gerbils, rats, beavers etc along to a social club or to buy cigarettes whilst complaining about b****y foreigners to the tolerant Asian shop-keeper. This half-week is also a good opportunity to shine a light on to some incredibly stupid rules, for instance: did you know rodents are currently banned from hospitals, dentists, public toilets and doctors surgeries. Crazy isn’t it? But let’s face it rodents are so small you should try sneaking yours in.

In previous years I’ve had many letters and unstamped postcards saying “But I haven’t got a small burrowing-animal to offer work-experience to.” Fear not, you can now “test-drive” one as local pet shops and online retailers are hiring them out. I’m told rental is for a minimum of five days, prices vary depending on the size of rodent, but a deposit of £350 per animal is required first. Sounds like a bargain.
And the icing on the “mammal-shaped cake” is that some local employers are offering internships to these creatures, such as working for blocked-drain companies or delivering groceries in little carts. So get your skates on and have a great end of week at work with man’s tiny best friends. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus
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Major Shake-Up in The World Of Media

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Breaking newspaper news just in… Media moguls have just announced in our office, via an email, that the centuries old Beckworth Guardian has been sold to neighbouring rival newspaper The Slocombe Herald. Last week the Herald bought it’s other main rival, The Nightly Gazette evening paper, so now has a monopoly in the Beckworth region. In a misspelt statement leaked to some staff the new “foreign investor” owners claimed the buyout represented a bright future for us all, but probably less bright for the many staff who will be persuaded to take voluntary redundancy or be sacked on the spot. My boss has announced her “very early retirement” (she’s only 34) and we’re told that as of now the paper’s will be merged into one snapilly named title, Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette (B.A.S.H.I.N.G.) with the first issue hitting the streets lunchtime tomorrow. The timing is to cleverly pick up readers of both the replaced morning and evening papers. The new title is still going to be chock full of the latest local news and still hate anything European, left-wing, liberal or green. For the time being I have been demoted and will have to reapply for my job, but I am confident the respected new editor (coming from a national newspaper) will value my talent. So it’s RIP Beckworth Guardian and bon voyage Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Is My Job Safe Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette