Found: Bride Groom’s Cousin’s Tie

Posted on 16/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. It’s been pretty quiet in Beckworth with regards to the Stag Do Massacre case this week. I was hoping to go to Ibiza to track down the suspects but due to the price of flights I will have to leave the detective abroad to the Ibizian Police. But it’s actually lucky I didn’t go anywhere, as today all hell broke lose. Whilst out on patrol with PC Rozzer (my dog) we came across a vital piece of evidence, another tie. I can’t actually remember if this the fourth or fifth, but that’s not really important. What is though is that this tie, grey like the others, holds vital clues in the form of a stain down the front. Also, it was found where you’d least expect neck wear to be hanging. On a speed limit sign. I deduced that this is a subliminal message cunningly left by the Groom’s clever young cousin. He’s obviously wanting to use it as a plea bargain when he’s convicted and reduce his life sentence down to 18 months. So the 30 is probably very significent. I’m working on the theory that it points to the cousin implying thirty people are involved in the murder, which by any stretch of the imagination is a lot. Most murders are carried out by so called “lone wolves” or by a couple of scoundrels. So maybe when this case is solved it will get in the Guinness Book of Records under “most murderers taking one life, accidentally” next to a photo of me and Rozzer. Anyway the tie will be kept as evidence and dusted for DNA, or at least it will once the anti-terrorist bomb-squad have blown it up as they believe it’s booby trapped. But we still need your help. Do you know one of the Stag Do Thirty? Maybe you’re one of them and want to “come in from the cold” by dobbing the rest in? Maybe you lent the groom’s cousin the tie and the stain could implicate you? Is it just tomato ketchup and not the groom’s dried blood? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this major incident, though we’ll be off duty over Easter having a well earned break at Wibblin’s Holiday camp in Wales. Who knows when we get back this case may have solved itself?. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The latest clue in the Stag Do Thirty murder case

Good Friday Multi-Faith Sports Day & Egg-Hunt

Posted on 11/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. As you will no doubt know, this Friday is Beckworth’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday open day at the church. Hosted every Easter in recognition of the day our Lord was “put to sleep” then “rose again” we celebrate how all faiths, whether they believe in God or not, can come together to share a love of competitive sports and finding cream- eggs around the church yard. Last year my congregation were roundly beaten in the track events, especially the three legged race where we were literally left standing by the legions of mosque and synagogue goers. So fellow “God-botherers” we’ve got everything to play for, our pride is at stake. So whether you are born-again, a Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Jihadist, Rastafarian, a part-time atheist, Asian, Black or White, rich or poor, it is a great time to celebrate our differences and come together in praise of Jesus. See you at 3 in the church vestry where we’ll be handing out tabards. Yours Rev C Knutsford. St Faith’s

(Above) Well hidden eggs await multi-faith treasure seekers today

Show Your Support For Nature In All It’s Glory

Posted on 08/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. This Sunday the Beckworth and Slocombe naturists will be raising funds for the scout hut roof by attempting to abseil up and down the Shard in London with the aim of raising at least £40 in sponsorship. Seven of our most adventurous members will be climbing up, with a further four are taking the lift, and all hope to slide down the high-rise building before getting arrested. We were inspired by a similar fundraiser when last year local WeightWatchers did a sponsored abseil up and down Nelsons Column, which although it ended in the hospitalisation of seven dieters and the arrest of a further eleven did raise an eye-watering £73, which they spent on scales and cakes. My close friend Wayne, who is both a dieter and a naturist is confident our attempt will go more smoothly, especially as our naked flesh should slide smoothly on the glass building. I will post photos online after the event, in the meantime please visit our website to donate… and if you’re in London on Sunday please come along, you’ll get a great view (weather permitting). Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) The shard offers amazing views for naturists

Le Bon Set To Open New Store In High Street

Posted on 06/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Good afternoon. We at the trade guild are delighted to announce that national treasure Simon Le Bon has been granted planning permission to expand his shopping empire and open a branch in Beckworth. His shop, Le BonMarche, will open on the site of the Grade 1 listed Kitty’s Bakery and demolition work is due to start next week. No doubt Mr Bon’s band Culture Club will be giving him a hand building the new shop, if they can stop singing Calmer Chameleon of course. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Simon Le Bon holding one of LeBonMarche’s best selling discreet ladies’ lines

Asylum Seeker Found In Supermarket

Posted on 05/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Please beware residents of Beckworth. An asylum seeker has been found hiding inside Sainsco supermarket secreting himself in the vegetable aisle. A home-office translator has said the refugee had travelled thousands of miles from a very warm Senegal due to suffering a lifetime of severe sun stroke whilst residing there. Hitching a lift in a sweet corn to seek a new life in the UK he is said to be in rude health, although doctors can’t work out if he’s currently sleeping or actually dead. The caterpillar has 60 days to make his claim for asylum and in the mean time is being paid unemployment benefits and given a roof over his head in a lettuce at a council run B&B. Thank you, Abdul Ackworth, chemist.
Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth

(Above) The asylum seeker found hiding earlier today

Missing Musketeers

Posted on 04/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Well done to the BBC for their very interesting drama series Musketeers. My only criticism is why have they fallen into the decades old trap of leaving out the fifth and sixth musketeers, Darius and Pathos, who were central characters in the original book. The hapless musketeers may have been described as sexist, flatulent and a tad portly but surely that would only have added to the dramatic story lines? For me their noticeable absence spoilt the enjoyment of an otherwise spotless documentary series. Perhaps the cull was due to the BBC cuts that also have seen the broadcasters move a frankly uneventful Bill Oddie-less Spring Watch to a shed in the wilds of northern England? Ray Eastleigh

Church Targeted By Mindless Vandals

Posted on 01/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I’m very sad to say that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge), has been vandalised. “It’s really galling” said Tony “We were really close to finishing the model of Sainsco’s supermarket and I only nipped off site to have a quick Jimmy Riddle behind a tree. My son Heston was in the kitchen making a fudge model of some shopping trolleys and the mindless thugs came and trampled on the church.” “It was was of the best bits” chipped in Heston “As we’d made a bestman and groom standing outside having a fag whilst they waited for the bride to show up” Unfortunately the CCTV is on the blink so we’ve got no idea who could have desecrated Fudgeworth but the Police have been informed. One ray of sunshine in amongst today’s clouds is that Tony and Heston have applied for an art’s council grant to fund the completion of the project and they tell me they are quietly confident “More people will want to see our art than a messed up bed” said Tony “Or half a shark in a big tank of water” added Heston. In the mean time let’s crack on and repair what’s been lost. Please continue to make your fudge bricks and toffee mortar we couldn’t do this without you. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for people unsteady on their feet not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

(Above) A very upset Heston and Tony (just out of shot) earlier today

Found: Usher’s Tie

Posted on 30/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. As you will have seen Beckworth is all over the papers and on the local late night news because Police (me and Rozzer my dog) are close to solving “the stag do massacre”. There is mounting evidence (three grey ties were found last weekend and another today) which points to an accidental murder most heinous. The fourth tie, as worn by the usher at a wedding, was discovered close to the boating lake early this morning. A vigilant octegenarian stumbled on it whilst removing his pants (he was illegally breaking and entering the park wanting to take an early morning skinny dip). All four ties are of a unique silver design, like the sort worn by DJs Chris Evans and Nick Grimshaw on their BBC radio shows. This neck-wear was found hanging dangerously on a life belt and points to the fact that the dead groom’s body was most likely dumped in the lake after meeting a ghastly S&M end in a strip club. We now believe everyone on the stag weekend to be implicated in the killing as we have yet to find the body, the suspects and a motive. Maybe you yourself are involved and have useful information but are to frightened to come forward? Perhaps the whole thing was your idea and you are now hiding in the woods living off leaves and wood like Bear Grylls? Was it a revenge killing because you weren’t asked to be the best man? Did you have a change of heart about killing the Groom (your best friend) but failed in your drunken attempt to save him with mouth-to-mouth? In doing so have you got a cold sore you are ashamed of people seeing? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. My dog and I will be handling this serial killing and we both hope to be in line for knighthoods when we put the perpetrators behind bars. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The shocking discovery made this morning by a pensioner going for a skinny dip

Mother’s Day Donkey, Sheep & Poultry Farmer’s Market

Posted on 30/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Don’t forget that Beckworth’s annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market is on today. The free event is taking place in the Sainsco car park and will be opened at 10am by Countryfile‘s John Craven and his co-host who’s name escapes me. It’s a day out for the whole family, with stalls selling everything from sheepskin coats to cosmetics made from donkey entrails. The abattoir will be putting on it’s ever popular displays, and for £50 you can even buy your Mum the chance to have a go herself. What better way is there to say “I love you Mum” than by letting her get up close to a healthy ram and humanely putting it “to sleep”. Apologies in advance: due to last year’s sheep dip “invasion” by a group of eight and nine year old anarchists the dipping trough will be heavily guarded by drunk farmers. See you there, and remember to wear wellies as there will be animal s**t everywhere. Gary Grimsby. Mayor.

(Above) Follyfoot Farm’s mobile sheep dip photographed last year just before juvenile anarchists jumped in it

“Marching Powder” Availability Warning Issued By Local Health Authority

Posted on 27/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Disturbing news just in from local NHS spokesperson and 1950s midwife Miranda Hart… It appears that Beckworth’s hospital, chemists, supermarkets and fungal-foot specialists are all running low on essential supplies of talcom powder causing a worried populace to panic buy. In bulk. Miranda is quoted as saying “Shelves all over town are almost empty and the over 60s are hysterically battling teenagers for the last remaining stocks. God knows if and when we’ll get the life-saving supplies the NHS relies on.” She went onto explain “It’s all due to a new dance craze sweeping up and down the country and nationwide” before adding “It’s a pandemic called Northern Soul i believe. Young people put on stereotypical Northern accents to talk about whippets and coal-mining, dress in flared trousers and flat caps and dance to soul music as if they possessed” The star of BBC TV’s Call The Midwife went onto explain to waiting news crews “Then they sprinkle the the floor with precious talcom powder and dance on it. I’m buggered if I know why, we never had any problems like this in fictional 1950s England.” It is such a serious dilemma that Prime Minister David Cameron is as I write heading a meeting of Cobra, prompting Lance Armstrong, spokesperson for the Federation Of Talcom and Flea Powder Makers, to issue the following statement ”The problem is that we’ve never known such an interest our health giving product. Even the Roman’s who discovered it to be The Powdered Elixir Of Life never ran short. Despite selling it by the ton to army soldiers as an aid for marching (it stopped their sandals rubbing). But this craze has meant the UKs annual supply has been used up in just 3 months. My members were ill-equipped to meet such high demand, and with talcom crops devastated by recent flooding we are calling on foreign countries such as Bolivia and Columbia to send us much needed supplies” He went onto say “But can I ask the citizens of Great Britain not to hoard supplies, not to buy black market ”under the counter chalky fakes” nor mug the old for a splash of talc… But to please wait until the imported white powder arrives. Sometime in June.” I’m sure i’ll have more on this story in coming weeks and will keep you posted. Christine Batley. Chief Talc Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A local Northern Soul dance floor covered in talcum powder earlier today

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth