Hello. I promised to keep you posted about the darmatic lama drama, and so am relaying this breaking news. Brothers Ross Kemp and Phil Mitchell have used their army tank to take out one of their quarry, the infamous gang leader Jermaine Jackson. As feared the two runaway lama’s were holed up in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed, and so hardmen Ross and Phil, without thought for their own personal safety and as war raged all around them, fired a volley of high-velocity blank shells at the shed, as a warning. The heroic duo then bravely drove their tank to the shed door and peered in. They were buoyed by the site of one lama lying down, apparently having fainted. Sensibly they waited outside until Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama inspector) arrived to make a formal identification of Jermaine. They had to wait a while because poor old Doris, following on a tractor, had tearfully broken down. Her fuel pipe had got clogged-up and she gets hayfever. But Mrs Palmer soon forgot her troubles when she found the lama was in fact dead, on top of which says she’s 50% sure it’s Jermaine (pictured resting in peace).

Which as gorgeous Mr Kemp texted me, means that his nemesis Michael Jackson the lama is still MIA (Missing In Action). Ross has vowed to fight another day, but has promised to return the tank this afternoon as he has a hot date with local celeb, and actress, Sharon off Eastenders. So for now Public Enemy Number One, Fern Britton’s Jackson One, is free to spread his filthy propaganda and diseases. Please keep your eyes peeled for the dangerous young lama and don’t forget, under no circumstances bother a very worried Mrs Britton, as she has a TV career to rebuild. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator