Hello. I just thought I’d keep everyone informed of the latest harrowing events with regard to the sighting of Fern Britton‘s ne’re-do-well lamas up on Archer’s Hill. I’ve just come off the phone from talking to Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama seeker) who, along with hunky hero Ross Kemp and his bald brother Phil Mitchell, went to the hills with a troupe of vigilantes to catch the estranged lamas. She told me, in graphic detail, that in a combined act of daring-do our three plucky heroes managed to humanely kill the unarmed animals. And she assures me it was only when identifying the two lamas that they realised there were in fact four of them, and that they were goats. As Doris said, in the heat of the moment tragedies such as friendly-fire can occur, and that her thoughts go out to the goats owners who have yet to be informed. Also, she explained that when shooting assault weapons from a safe distance, and from behind thick bushes, young lamas and goats are quite easily mistaken. Anyway, on a brighter note, Mrs Palmer has asked if anyone has a recipe for curried goat? I’ll let you know when I know more about the lamas (and please don’t worry Mrs Britton about the dead goats, or live lamas, as she is hosting a champagne and croquet garden party this afternoon). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator