Disney Announces Sponsorship Of Midweek Day

Posted on 01/01/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It’s not often that The Beckworth Guardian gets a scoop and beats the tabloids and NewsRound to breaking World news, but today we have. An exclusive story has just reached us that cartoon film-makers Disney have reached agreement with World leaders, and calendar and diary manufacturers, to sponsor the 24 hours that fall every week between Tuesday 23.59pm and Thursday 0.01am. The year-long deal will mean the day formerly known as Wednesday will now be known as Wedisneyday. The deal starts today so we really are the first to know! I phoned Disney’s spokesperson Ben Stiller first thing this morning to verify the breaking news, and he told me “Sorry I’m a bit hungover at the moment, could you ring back after 6 this evening?” when confronted with the revelation… So it appears to be 100% true. Christine Batley. Chief Weekday Sponsorship Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Word Of The Year Announced

Posted on 19/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Cambridge Dictionaries have today announced their word of 2013, Smurfy. Although virtually unknown this time last year the word is now the most used verb in the western Hemishere. Celebrities, pop-stars and even World leaders such as Barack Obama and David Cameron are literally queuing up to boost their street cred with a sneaky smurfy (For those of you still living in the dark ages a smurfy is the act of creating a self-portrait using a camera-phone, or more traditional oil paints, whilst dressed as a smurf). Interestingly last years’ word of the year, flatulent, has very quickly dropped out of use primarily since it was banned by the BBC for being over-used in episodes of Eastenders and lowering the tone of University Challenge. Christine Batley. Chief Verb And Noun Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) David Cameron boosting his chances of re-election with a quick smurfy

Tempah Tantrum Over Blown Bulbs

Posted on 13/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Well, what a fantastic evening was had by all yesterday when local folk singer Tinie Tempah switched on Beckworth’s Christmas lights, probably the town’s best ever. And fortunately the ceremony was almost fault free and quite professional, we certainly didn’t want a repeat of last year when comedy duo Jedward were late arriving (their train was derailed by the wrong sort of leaves on the line), or the year before when Dame Judie Dench fell off the podium trying to press the faulty lights-on button. This year the only hiccup was a dozen bulbs blowing after the switch-on, leaving very small Mr Tampah inconsolable. But once placated with a mars bar and a Diet Fanta the little fella said the lights were “very pretty” or rap words to that effect. With the street lit-up it really does feel like Christmas is at last on it’s way… Also, a special mention to local lads made good, Jamie Oliver and his friend Gordon Ramsey, for their wonderful mulled wine and chilli infused mince pies, very yummy though not cheap at £15 a pop. Well done to Mssrs Oliver, Gordon and Mr Tiny. Christine Batley. Chief Christmas Lights Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Tiny Mr Tempah is carried by his minder to switch on the Christmas lights

Halloween Costume Competition Winners Announced

Posted on 01/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. News just in… After much deliberation by our Halloween panel, chaired by Take That singer and fancy dress-shop owner Mark Owen, we can now announce the winners of the 2013 Beckworth’s Best Halloween costumes. Winner of the under 18s was local schoolboy and busking sensation Jake Bugg (you’ve probably seen him playing his guitar outside the bank) and the adults winner was grocer’s daughter and local “entertainer” Lady Gaga. An overjoyed and shocked Miss Gaga was quoted as saying “I’m shocked and totally overjoyed” before explaining “I had only popped out to post a letter and buy some fags!” When asked about her costume Lady replied “To be honest i’d forgotten it was halloween and was only dressed in my old housework clothes.” Well done to both our worthy winners. Christine Batley. Chief Halloween Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Lady_Gaga

(Above) Miss Gaga popping out to the shops in her old housework clothes

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Posted on 11/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. News just in… Local celeb Janet Street-Porter’s attempt to become the first woman with a deaf dog to go around the World in a hot air balloon has come to a dramatic end this lunch time. Sadly after travelling almost 8 miles in 48 hours Mrs Janet’s balloon got blown back to near where it took off only to get snagged on a phone-line. A shaken Mrs Porter-Street said she hoped to try her attempt again next year when the nice weather returns. Thankfully no one was injured in the crash and Mrs St Porter was last seen being comforted by local politician and St John’s Ambulance volunteer Nick Clegg in the pub. Over a shandy and rum chaser Ms Janet said she hopes to able to reuse her balloon once it’s been patched up by the local girl guides and brownies. Good luck with the puncture repairs Beckworth Beavers. Christine Batley. Chief Air Accident Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mrs Porters balloon popped on a phone line earlier today

Up, Up And Away

Posted on 10/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to keep you up to speed with local celeb Janet Street-Porter’s attempt to become the first woman with an aged dog to go around the World in a hot air balloon. She was photographed this morning floating serenely above nearby Inmansworth Safari Park. So far she’s covered 6 miles in over 24 hours. Not at all bad as she hopes to make the entire trip in less than a month, hopefully without toilet breaks. Good luck with “holding it in” for as long as possible Mrs Janet. Christine Batley. Chief Air Balloon and Light Aircraft Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mrs Porter floats gracefully above our local safari park
to the obvious joy of the animals running along below

Full Of Hot Air

Posted on 09/10/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is a very tired Christine posting this news as I was up before dawn this morning to wave off local celeb and hot air balloon enthusiast Janet Street-Porter from Slocombe airfield. Miss Janet is attempting to become the first solo woman to float around the World single handed in a gold-coloured balloon. Mrs Porter, with the help of her arthritic dog Nimble, hopes to complete the around the World journey in less than a month as she has a dental appointment in early November. So good luck with the trip Mrs Street and Nimble. Christine Batley. Chief Air Balloon and Light Aircraft Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mrs St-Porter fills her balloon with hot air before take-off early this morning

Gormley Sculpture Swept Away

Posted on 24/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is with a heavy heart that I have to relay the sad news that Antony Gormley (OBE)’s new sculpture “Mother (On Benefits) Of The Repossessed has been accidentally disposed of just hours after it’s unveiling in Beckworth. The head of the council’s waste disposal and street cleansing dept was quoted as saying “It looked so much like rubbish that one of our enthusiastic street operatives just swept it up and deposited it into his cart which was then emptied at the local tip” The council has promised to try and “rebuild” the sculpture as they are believed to have found a few bits of the art work. So good luck with that. Christine Batley. Chief Art And Recycling Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Antony Gormley’s sculpture stood here earlier today

Where Do You Think You Are?

Posted on 16/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. You may have noticed that today the town has been swamped by a three-man BBC camera crew filming a new TV series. “Where Do You Think You Are?” is hosted by the pretty model and ex-army cadet Fern Cotton and sees celebrities dropped into the middle of nowhere with just a rain-mac, some boiled sweets and a compass to test their survival skills. Without any previous training they are expected to find their way back to their birthplace within a week by living on their wits, stealing food and walking miles as riding on public transport or getting taxis is off-limits. The episode they are filming in and around Beckworth sees Dale Winton trying to return to his Gran’s council flat in Bethnal Green with, I am told, hilarious consequences. It sounds like a must see programme, so good luck to Dale and the BBC. Christine Batley. Chief TV and Survival Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Dale Winton passes through Beckworth on his way to his Gran’s in East London

Prescott Express Delayed By Leaves On The Line

Posted on 09/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Many commuters were today struck by a double-dose of travel misery, effecting both the working-classes who can’t afford a car (or are banned from driving) and inconveniencing residents who choose to shun local shops and drive to the large out-of-town Tesburys supermarket. Users of the Beckworth to Slocombe Road experienced long queues as the road is dug up by utility companies for the fifth time in six months (work is expected to last 4 weeks and leave deep potholes in the road) and for train users delays are ongoing on the recently opened 3 mile Beckworth to Inmanston railway (due to leaves on the line and the wrong kind of rain splashing the rails). A spokesman for the rail franchise (run by ex-politician John “One Train” Prescott) said “once we can be arsed to clear the tracks a normal two trains a week service will resume. In the meantime a rail-replacement bus service is in operation and Beckworth Roamer travelcards will be accepted by local bike-hire companies.” So good luck to all travellers during this difficult time. Christine Batley. Chief Transport Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Rail Franchise owner, and sole train driver, John Prescott earlier today patiently waiting at a red signal near Beckworth station due to lethal leaves on, and near, the track

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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