First Faith School Opens

Posted on 04/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, as parents and lollypop operatives will know today is the first day of the new school year and Beckworth has additional cause to celebrate as the town’s very first faith school has opened it’s automatic sliding doors for the first time. Based in the disused and arson-damaged Woolworth’s shop on Madonna Lane the aptly named St Godless-Or-Not is the UK’s first agnostic faith school for 7 to 11 year olds. Opened at 8.45 this morning by local celebrity and school governor James Corden the school curriculum boasts lessons in shiatsu, ballroom dancing and crown green bowls alongside curriculum subjects with the aim of bringing a “broad church” of education to the young enquiring minds of Beckworth. They are also hoping to offer after-school clubs in the future (such as chess, ballet, poker, car respraying and glass-blowing) though they are waiting for second-hand unheated portakabins to be put in place first. Good luck to pupils, staff and parents. Christine Batley. Chief Schools & Education Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) James Cordon opening local Agnostic faith school

New Season. Transfer Window Closed

Posted on 03/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, it’s football season again and an apt time to congratulate Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals on their success so far in the Co-Operative FuneralCare League. They’ve averaged losing 3-0 in the past few weeks which is a vast improvement on last seasons average of 8-0, and last Saturday saw them lose a very respectable 2-0 against Dynorod FC (Goal scorers: part-time actor Robert Pattinson and ex-pop-sensation Justin Timberlake). So well done to manager and trainer Daniel Craig and to the whole team. Also congratulations are due because yesterday, after a nail-biting close to the transfer window, the team secured the services of striker, and local butcher, Kevin “Babyface” Ilford. After protracted negotiations he was bought for £27 from league champions KwikFit United which should further improve BSA’s chances this season. Christine Batley. Chief Football Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Lightning Strikes Twice At Theme Park

Posted on 30/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Last night the World famous Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe was struck by lightning, not once but twice, causing damage to two of it’s most popular rides. The Kerry Katona Big Wheel had some seats burnt to a cinder and the Johnny Depp Carrousel had it’s roof burnt off. Thank goodness the park was closed at the time, otherwise people could have been seriously hurt and want their money back. The storm raged for over 8 hours and 12 fire engines had to attend the fires, which are now safely under control. It is hoped the damaged rides will be quickly fixed by local DIY SOS legend Nick Knowles and a massive clear up by the local scouts and guides is already underway. On hearing of the fire a spokesperson for Iceland figurehead Kerry Katona said “Ms Katona isn’t up yet but she’d pass the message on.” The theme park manager is keen to stress that 56.5% of the park is still open for business and was quoted during the electrical storm as saying “Hey Mum, this school holiday bring the kid’s down to Iceland Land and buy some out-of date party food whilst you’re here.” Christine Batley. Chief Storm Damage Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Lighning strikes the Kerry Katona and Johnny Depp rides last night

Baby King To Be Named The Boy George

Posted on 25/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. I’m pumped up with excitment (just like a big helium balloon filled with joy) and all because I’m able to share with you the breaking news from yesterday that our new baby King is to be named George. As predicted he has been named after his parents favourite entertainer, though no one realised the esteemed “My Sweet Lord” guitarist was even in the running. A Royal sauce close to the young Royal couple was overheard on a bus saying “William and Kate have recently been playing a lot of Prince Philips old records and become big fans of The Rolling Stones and The Beatles” she went on to say “Up until the Queen arrived yesterday the name Mick was a firm favourite. But in a twist of fate HM Queen Elizabeth II was humming “Love Me Do” when she first met her new Great-Grandson and so The Beatles were chosen to be the namesakes.” So from now on the baby King of Kings will be named Prince George Paul John Ringo of Cambridge, though to save energy in public and to reflect his humble roots he will simply be referred to as the Boy George. I’m sure you will agree that the Royals have chosen beautiful names for their son and I’m predicting that Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Ringo Starr will be Godfathers though, I hear David Walliams is also in the “frame.” The Royal couple are now taking a well-earned break with the baby Prince at Kate’s parent’s holiday “villa” at a caravan park in Bangor. Anyway, I will let you know more about the baby as it comes. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The Beatles in their heyday when they were alive

Baby Prince Charming Goes Home

Posted on 23/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to let you know that at 7.15 this evening, just before a rivetting episode of Eastenders, Sir William and Duchess Middleton left Beckworth General Hospital and took home their future heir, the baby boy Prince “Charming” (Likely to be called Neville or Steve). Stopping briefly to chat to photographers, and to Richard & Judy who were coming out of Sainsco with a weeks shopping, the Royal couple took a mini cab back to their home. Stopping off on the way to pick-up a well deserved Tikka Massala a curry-house source said the young couple looked the picture of young Royal love and got given 3 free commemorative poppadoms. Anyway, I will let you know more about the baby when I can. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Limited Edition commemorative poppadoms

A King Is Born

Posted on 22/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is wonderful to be able to share with you the news that Prince William and Princess Kate Middleton have given birth to our future heir, the baby boy King Of England. Born at 4.30 this afternoon, just before Noel Edmonds’ Deal Or No Deal, the baby was said “to be a real big bairn” by a Royal aide and to have his Grandfather’s ears. As is usual at Royal births the umbilical chord was cut by the reigning monarch and the baby presented to the hundreds of Royals, courtiers and ministers in attendance. But in a break with tradition the birth video will not be uploaded to youtube (though a commemorative DVD is planned). No news on the name but rumour mongers are saying Neville is the couple’s favourite. Anyway, I will let you know more about the birth when I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A relaxed Noel Edmonds hosts his popular TV quiz
just minutes after the birth of our new King

Baby Name Fever

Posted on 22/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. To make the time pass quicker whilst I pace the floor in my sweltering kitchen waiting for dear Kate Middleton to give birth to our future heir, I’ve popped onto the internet to see what baby names the nation are betting William and Kate will give to their child. Most popular girls name at 2/1 is Elizabeth, and boys top choice at 3/1 is Darren. The other most popular choices are Kylie, Roxanne-Chantelle, Krystalle and Gladys if it’s a girl, and Rory, D-Wayne, Oral-B and Nathan if it’s a boy. But little known Royal protocol actually dictates that the baby must be named after the parents favourite singer (or minstrel as it was in ancient days). William was of course named after his mother’s favourite Take That star Robbie Williams and brother Harry in honour of his father’s favourite Harry Secombe (although due to misspelling he was actually christened Henry). It is therefore most likely that the child will be named Chris or Martin (Coldplay are a big Royal favourite) or Beyonce Knowles. I’ve placed a five pound bet on the latter as the odds are so good, but keep that to yourself. Anyway, I will keep you informed about the birth as soon as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The Royal baby’s likely namesake, Beyonce Knowles

Royal Baby On It’s Way

Posted on 22/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 5.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Wales booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Wales has gone into labour. A hospital source said Kate Middleton was fully dilated and looked radient as her husband Prince William got porters to transport them both in wheelchairs to the newly painted maternity wing. All morning the Royal family and members of court and parliament have arrived in hired minibuses to attend the birth. According to tradition all will be present at the birth of the future monarch and to accommadte them specially rented portacabins have been installed in the hospital car park. Kate and Williams favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry will keep her distracted during the birth, as court jesters have done for centuries, and of course Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be there to give the occassion extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage. Friend of the Royal couple Steven Fry has been installed at the foot of the bed and will keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Mrs Wales bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The Queen and members of the Royal household arriving at Beckworth hospital

Dragons Den Loses Popular Duvet

Posted on 15/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all, just thought i’d keep you up to date with the hottest breaking news in Television. I’m shocked to discover that ex-fork lift driver, and local celeb, Hilary Duvet left the popular reality TV series Dragon’s Den last year and no-one noticed. Mrs Duvet was a hugely popular old dragon, with her constant swearing, sarcastic wit and iconic hairstyles, yet she only lasted one series before allegedly running out money. The programme, set in a disused tree-house, follows the real-life comedy capers of five happless millionaires and their quest to find the next successful cooking sauce with a Jamaican music based flavour. During the filming of the programme’s 38th series an inconsolable fellow dragon, who prefered not to be named, was quoted as saying “I’m ******* gutted,” before adding through the tears “She still owes me a fiver for fags.” Thankfully Duncan Bannatyne cheered up when told that handsome dragon Peter Jones was owed £10. Hilary will be missed and we wish her every success in her TV and crane driving careers. Christine Batley. Chief TV Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) “In happier times” Hilary Duvet during filming of Dragon’s Den

Terry Nutkin Statue Re-Stolen

Posted on 05/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Following yesterday’s shocking adjournment of The Nutkin Statue v Penge case (due to TV’s Ian McShane dropping the evidence) the trial has taken another unforseen twist today. This morning the prosecution went to show the court the stolen Nutkin Statue and found it had been re-stolen over night. It was last seen when Mr Shane’s fellow court usher (ex-singing sensation) Gareth Gates put it in a broom cupboard for safe keeping whilst he went to buy glue to repair the broken statue model of said Terence Nutkin. Once again the partially full courtroom erupted with shock and the case adjourned for a second time. The most likely culprit is the defendant, Mr Penge, who almost certainly stole it the first time and has been in custody ever since. I am told by a Police source he has been subjected to a humiliating strip search and although all cavities were thoroughly explored the 12″ staue has yet to be found. I will keep you informed about the case which will be reconvened when the little Terry Nutkin is found. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The broken, and now re-stolen, miniature Nutkin statue model

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: The Beckworth Guardian

First Faith School Opens

New Season. Transfer Window Closed

Lightning Strikes Twice At Theme Park

Baby King To Be Named The Boy George

Baby Prince Charming Goes Home

A King Is Born

Baby Name Fever

Royal Baby On It’s Way

Dragons Den Loses Popular Duvet

Terry Nutkin Statue Re-Stolen

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