Britain’s Got Talent Nut Discovered

Posted on 21/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. News just in, keen nut collector and local violin teacher Nigel Kennedy has discovered his second nut lookalike in as many years. “Everyone remembers the brazil nut i discovered that looked like Che Guevara…” Nigel reminded me over an early morning white wine-spritza “It sent shock waves around the World when it sold at auction for close to £1 million pounds. But the one I found this week is bound to get even more media attention as it’s a more popular type of nut and looks like one of the Worlds’ most famous women.” He then showed me a photo of an almond and asked if I could guess who it looked like? But as i’d not brought my reading glasses I couldn’t tell. “It’s the spitting image of Amanda Holden! Britain’s Got Talents most favourite judge” he exclaimed whilst topping up my glass. When i looked again and squinted I could see that, despite my blurred vision, the likeness was indeed uncanny. “And” he added “It’s appropriate the likeness is on an almond. Because I hear Amanda loves them. They were her favourite ingredient when she won Masterchef. My almond…” he continued whilst lighting a cigarette “was discovered in a normal packet of mixed nuts.The rest of the nuts were nothing special, but this one, which i’ve christened Almonda Holden, caught my eye. It’s got to be worth a couple of million at least, given her status on TV” Nigel then told me that once again people are claiming it’s a fake, that he drew the face on with biro and that it’s just a money making stunt. But as he said whilst I was paying the large drinks bill “It’s all mother nature’s work. And as we know, she moves in mysterious ways!” So good luck to Nigel and Almonda, I’ll let you know how they get on at auction. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Nut Lookalike Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Spot The Difference: Almonda Holden and namesake Amanda Holden

Rolling Stone Has Gastric Band Fitted

Posted on 18/05/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Local one man band, and ex-Rolling Stones bassist tribute act, Bill Wideman, has been fitted with a gastric band after dieting failed to reduce his weight. 127 stone Bill, known off stage as “Fat” Ron Penge, has always struggled with his size, “I was a large jolly baby, and never stopped growing” he told me over a take-away curry with chips. When Bill was younger he had a well documented brush with stardom, when in 1998 he was crowned weight watcher of the year, having allegedly lost 56 stone in 6 months. But the judges found out he’d used someone else’s photo as the “slim” shot and had actually put on over 13 stone, so he had to hand back the crown and would have also handed back the winning money had he not spent it on pies. Since then Bill has kept a low profile honing his one-man musical skills and appearing on the X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, the Antiques Road Show and Embaressing Bodies, whilst still finding time to busk in the high street. “I’ve incorporated getting craned on and off “stage” (the back of a lorry), and in and out of my bed, into my act which the audiences love” he the added “but it’s got to the point where walls in my house needed demolishing just so I could use the loo. Hence now needing the gastric band” So good luck to Bill nee Ron, I’ll let you know how the diet goes. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Diet Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The “real” Bill Wyman, who obviously has gastric problems of his own

World Record Almost Reached In Easter Egg Tower Attempt

Posted on 21/04/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. The big news today is the attempt to build the World’s tallest Easter egg tower on the grassy knoll between the undertakers and the public toilets. Firstly, on behalf of The Beckworth Guardian (Official sponsors), may I send a big thank you to all the volunteers who gave up their Easter Monday to help build the chocolate structure. Secondly we are truly indebted to publicity shy Lily Allen who laid the foundation egg as a way of promoting her forthcoming album. And thirdly, we almost broke the record! Yes, our tower reached the giddy height of 1.7m (3ft 2in), as measured by an official from Guinness, before we ran out of eggs and daylight. The current world record stands at 10.39m (34ft 1in) so we were only a few meters (and feet) short. For those interested the sp”egg“tacular record breaking tower was built in Bangalore, India back in August 1947 to celebrate the country’s independence. It took over ten months to build the milk and plain chocolate structure (white chocolate is considered to be candy and therefore not allowed), with a team of 22,000 builders working in shifts 24 hours a day and 1,133,500 tonnes of Easter eggs… It then lasted 12 minutes before melting. So as we only had an afternoon, a dozen small chocolate eggs and 6 volunteers we didn’t do badly. We’re planning to try again next year and hope Cadbury‘s or Aldi will supply the eggs. I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Egg Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Camera shy Lily Allen brought along her own pictographed chocolate egg to be the foundation of the almost record-breaking tower

“Marching Powder” Availability Warning Issued By Local Health Authority

Posted on 27/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Disturbing news just in from local NHS spokesperson and 1950s midwife Miranda Hart… It appears that Beckworth’s hospital, chemists, supermarkets and fungal-foot specialists are all running low on essential supplies of talcom powder causing a worried populace to panic buy. In bulk. Miranda is quoted as saying “Shelves all over town are almost empty and the over 60s are hysterically battling teenagers for the last remaining stocks. God knows if and when we’ll get the life-saving supplies the NHS relies on.” She went onto explain “It’s all due to a new dance craze sweeping up and down the country and nationwide” before adding “It’s a pandemic called Northern Soul i believe. Young people put on stereotypical Northern accents to talk about whippets and coal-mining, dress in flared trousers and flat caps and dance to soul music as if they possessed” The star of BBC TV’s Call The Midwife went onto explain to waiting news crews “Then they sprinkle the the floor with precious talcom powder and dance on it. I’m buggered if I know why, we never had any problems like this in fictional 1950s England.” It is such a serious dilemma that Prime Minister David Cameron is as I write heading a meeting of Cobra, prompting Lance Armstrong, spokesperson for the Federation Of Talcom and Flea Powder Makers, to issue the following statement ”The problem is that we’ve never known such an interest our health giving product. Even the Roman’s who discovered it to be The Powdered Elixir Of Life never ran short. Despite selling it by the ton to army soldiers as an aid for marching (it stopped their sandals rubbing). But this craze has meant the UKs annual supply has been used up in just 3 months. My members were ill-equipped to meet such high demand, and with talcom crops devastated by recent flooding we are calling on foreign countries such as Bolivia and Columbia to send us much needed supplies” He went onto say “But can I ask the citizens of Great Britain not to hoard supplies, not to buy black market ”under the counter chalky fakes” nor mug the old for a splash of talc… But to please wait until the imported white powder arrives. Sometime in June.” I’m sure i’ll have more on this story in coming weeks and will keep you posted. Christine Batley. Chief Talc Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A local Northern Soul dance floor covered in talcum powder earlier today

Freedom 4 Fish Terror Plot Foiled On Bus

Posted on 05/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It’s a very exciting start to the day as we have breaking news just in… Beckworth is today at the centre of a (thankfully foiled) major “Terror” incident and the town is crawling with police, vets and undercover SAS, probably. Plain clothed ticket-inspectors intercepted an anarchist group calling themselves Freedom 4 Fish on the number 4 bus to Slocombe Aquarium at 8.27 this morning. In a statement posted on twitter, and in the newsagent’s window, the group have stated their intention “to free all our fishy friends held captive against their will and give them a voice.” It went onto read “Just because they don’t have arms or legs (or means of communication) doesn’t mean (wo)mankind can ride rough-shod over their feelings. And not listen to fish opinions.” The card has since been removed as it hasn’t been paid for. Coleen Rooney who was travelling to work on the crowded bus told me over a cup of tea that the three members of Freedom 4 Fish captured by the inspector were disguised as school children and only aroused suspicion when one of the “kids” who had a very bushy ginger beard produced a twenty years out-of-date child’s bus-pass. I’ll let you know when I get more news on this terrifying aquatic story… Christine Batley. Chief Votes For Fish Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) One of the naughty anarchist “school children” arrested earlier today (photo taken by Colleen Rooney on her phone)

Salvation With The Post

Posted on 03/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. The Salvation Army today chose Beckworth to launch it’s new national postal service, SalvationMail, with an early morning press conference. The recently appointed head of Salvation Army marketing, Colin Bradford-Bingly, was quoted as saying “Since joining the SA from the Nuclear Industry i’ve been looking to extend the cherished Salvation brand beyond just being an army.” He continued “I’m proud to say the SA was ahead of the curve launching “chuggers”, we were the first charity with a uniform and nice hats and the first to saturate the brass band market… So the marketing team have been “blue sking” and “mind mapping” and came up with idea of launching The Salvation Air Force. Unfortunately the planes cost far too much… even the grounded ones. During a team “brain-storm” it dawned us that if we got some cheap boats it would be a a safe bet to launch The Salvation Navy. But we got into a hoohah with the RNLI over preaching to people in difficulties at sea, so that’s on the back burner for the time being.” He then added “But the recent privatisation of Royal Mail handed us a golden opportunity. The SalvationMail can deliver post at a competitive cost and spread the word of our Lord door to door at the same time. It’s a win-win situation” When asked why Beckworth was chosen for the launch Colin B-B replied “it has great road, rail and footpath connections, a lot of people looking for salvation with their mail… and besides which I live in the town so I didn’t have far to go to get to the press launch” The Salvation Mail will have it’s own stamps, with Jesus on instead of the Queen, and hopes to have it’s own letterboxes and post offices soon “We’re starting small but are looking to rival Royal Mail within 12 months” I’ll let you know when I get more news on this enlightening story… Christine Batley. Chief God’s Own Post Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The world’s first SalvationMail sorting office opens in Beckworth

Unique Valentine’s Gift Left On Lawn

Posted on 14/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, this morning I can for once share happy uplifting news with you. Local resident, and keen collector of hammers, Gilbert Barnstable has today given his wife a unique Valentine’s gift. A tank made out of flowers. “The missus was pleasantly surprised when she drew back the curtains today” Mr Barnstable is quoted as saying “Normally she just finds foxes crap on the lawn but this morning she found a scale model of a Sherman tank made entirely of plastic flowers… It almost brought a tear to her eyes, but she said it was just dust!” Mr Gilbert explained it took him 6 months to make in his shed and he got the idea when watching a documentary about the anniversary of World War One “Me and the missus are big fans of warfare and love weapons, especially tracked vehicles like tanks. So i thought i’d combine celebrating the start of the Great War with giving flowers to her indoors on valentines day” What a thoughtful husband Mr Barnstable is. By the way, the beautiful tank can currently be seen outside the Barnstables’ house but hurry as the police are threatening to have it removed for inciting racial hatred amongst their neighbours. I’ll let you know if I have more news on this wonderful story… Christine Batley. Chief Flowers On Valentine’s Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The flower tank described as racially dangerous by the police

Local Teenager Arrested on Foreign Exchange Trip For Wearing Too Much

Posted on 03/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, shocking news just in. Local teenager, Chelsea Streatham, was arrested this Saturday whilst on her schools’ foreign exchange trip to Newcastle. The shy 15 year old was bundled into a waiting Police riot-squad van for decent non-exposure due to wearing too many layers in the town centre (She was inappropriately dressed in a coat, jumper and jeans whilst waiting outside McDonalds). Geordie Police also cautioned her for being sober during the hours of darkness and in court added “she did not swear, resist arrest or have enough make-up applied when Police approached her. So we had to nick her for the public’s safety”. Speaking outside court her headmistress Cherie Blair said “Chelsea is as an A-grade student who wanted to broaden her horizons and learn a new language by going on this exchange. Her arrest has come as a complete shock and deeply worried the other overtly-clad girls on this foreign trip” then she added “We only chose Newcastle as it is the exotic location of TV’s comedy series Geordie Shores.” Due to the seriousness of the crimes bail has been refused and Miss Streatham is being held in a maximum security prison near Hull until her trial in the summer. Her worried parents have contacted the British Embassy and say they will try to visit her if they can spare the time later in the year. I’ll let you know when i have more news on this chilling crime… Christine Batley. Chief Geordie Shores Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A Geordie Police Officer guards the spot where a Beckworth school girl was arrested for being inappropriately dressed outside a McDonalds “restaurant”

Second Pensioner Believed “Stolen”

Posted on 19/01/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, more shocking news just in i’m afraid to say. Following the theft last week of OAP Mr Reginald Owen from the Dick Van Dyke nursing home I have the misfortune to announce that a second pensioner has apparently been stolen. Mrs Gladys York was last seen waving to passers-by from her caravan sited on the flooded driveway of her son’s house about 9 or 10 days ago. Her family is currently holidaying in Barbados to avoid the winter storms and her disappearance was only noticed today when a concerned neighbour saw the caravan floating off down the river engulfed street. Local lifeboat crews managed to stop the “dwelling” floating out to sea and once returned to it’s original “moorings” it was found to be missing Mrs York from inside. A part-time spokesperson for the RNLI, Shane “Alfie Moon” Ritchie, said “we can only conclude that she was missing from the caravan before it floated off…” before adding “Mrs Gladys has probably been nicked by gypsies, I hear there’s a lot of it about… Thefts have got out of hand round here since the New Year. It’s ’cause we’ve allowed the Romanians to come here and work.” Police are underplaying this latest theft saying “she probably just popped to the shops last week and got lost. There’s not a lot we can do really… Unless of course, her family offers a cash reward for her safe return” So if you see an old lady called Gladys looking lost call Crimestoppers or hand her in at the nearest charity shop. I’ll let you know when i have more news on this… Christine Batley. Chief Floating Caravan and Missing Pensioner Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(above) An “atmospheric” black and white photograph of Mrs York’s caravan taken earlier today by her neighbour David Bailey

Irreplaceable Items Stolen From Local Old People’s Home

Posted on 14/01/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, shocking news just in, five nights ago the Dick Van Dyke nursing home was burgled with many irreplaceable items being taken. Speaking on behalf of the home, matron Anne Widdecombe CBE, said the break-in only came to light this morning when someone noticed the residents were watching a blank wall where the telly had been. She went on to say many priceless artifacts were very likely stolen including some fake jewellery, a mink coat with the security-tag still on, an original Silver Jubilee Asda biscuit tin, a chipped china figure of ballerina wrestling a bear, a lovely new ipad and camera, the aforementioned big colour telly and a Mr Reginald Owen. Mrs Anne said the insurance company have been informed and were sending someone round on their bike. She also stressed how hard it will be to put a value on Mr Owen, although she would try, going on to mention a ballpark figure of £500,000 plus funeral expenses. “But Reg is priceless really. A real joy to push around in his wheelchair, the life and soul of the home. And it’s very out of character for Mr Owen to go out without his teeth in and his hat on.” she said over a mid-morning Gin “Hence the suspicion that he has also been stolen. Maybe there’ll be a reward for his safe return?” When pressed about him being a potential kidnap victim she added “He was always regaling us with tales about his mischievous Grandsons, Take That‘s Mark Owen and Eastenders’ Sid “Ricky” Owen. So his ransom could be worth a bob or two… Dead or alive!” Police are underplaying the break-in claiming “It is probably just an insurance scam, they’ve tried it twice before,” and dismissed Reg’s disappearance saying “He is probably locked in a toilet having been told to keep out of sight until the insurers pay-up.” Christine Batley. Chief Burglery and Potential Kidnap Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Take That’s Mark Owen who’s Granddad has been reported “stolen”

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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