Bake Off Up In Smoke

Posted on 18/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I bet you’re enjoying The Great British Bake Off as much as me and all because my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo is doing wonders. He must be a dead cert for the final. Yesterday Jack was voted baker of the week for his Savoury Pastie (which he’d cleverly bought earlier from Greggs). By causing a distraction in the tent (he’s a trained arsonist) Jack was able to produce his pastry without anyone noticing he hadn’t so much as rolled out any pastry or turned his oven on! Mary Berry and her son Paul Bollywood even said it was the best pastie they’d ever tasted. So congratulations to Jack, Greggs and the local fire brigade.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Jack’s lovingly presented pasty, the bake of the week as chosen by Mary Berry and her hungry son Paul

Fresh Fudge Appeal

Posted on 15/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. It’s time to get back in the kitchen and help our local “builders” Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal’s to finish the first phase of “Fudgeworth” (the model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). Phase one of the project is near to completion, the sewage works, council estate and drive through McDonalds look very realistic but the father and son team still need another 500,000 fudge bricks to finish building a scale model of the nuclear power plant. So ladies and gents and children of Beckworth let’s get making more fudge. An imploring Tony told me over a shandy in the hotel bar “That if each of Beckworth’s 5000+ residents to made at least five kilograms of fudge per day for a week they could get the eastern end of the scale village finished in time for Christmas… Or New Year” So please help Tony and his son Heston, as they can’t do this job without your help. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for lazy people on benefits not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

(Above) A fudge brick as wanted by Tony and son Heston

Elvis And Bruce Playing Tonight

Posted on 12/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news, the UK’s best 1970s era Elvis Presley and Bruce Forsythe impersonator, Wayne Colchester, will be playing at the Blind Badger tonight before jetting off to Newcastle tomorrow for an X-Factor audition. Wayne will be playing songs from his self-released album “Goin’ Back To Miami (Via Belgium)” and from Strictly Come Dancing. There are plenty of tickets still available for this sell-out show and in honour of Wayne’s gig this weekend’s featured ales at the pub are “Nice To See You, To See You Nice” and “Didn’t We Do Well.”
Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Chip Shop Failure

Posted on 11/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just a quick message of condolence to the plucky losers of last night’s Chip Shop World Championships. Our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah put up a brave fight during the competition but still managed to come last despite members of the opposing teams being carted off to A&E. Head chef Rick Stein‘s world first, a deep fried battered black forest gateaux, failed to impress the judges and marks were lost for using locally caught eel whilst claiming it was fresh Dover Sole. Better luck next time. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Brothers Al and Dom Horabin (of Chip Shape & Bristol Ration) who beat Rick Stein to become 2014 Chip Shop World Champions with their breathtaking haddock, chips & massala curry sauce

The Great British Fake Off

Posted on 11/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. Another week on The Great British Bake Off and once more it’s well done to my “clever” cousin Jack-A-GooGoo for getting through to the next round. I can’t tell you how he survived, suffice to say money changed hands. Quick thinking Jack was very lucky to have a large stash of cash on him when he was found to have presented a shop bought battenburg as his Euro cake “showstopper”. Still Mary Berry and her son Paul Brentwood saw the funny side and tucked into the cake, Paul even commenting that Mr Kipling was his baking idol. The Bake-Off hosts really seem to have taken a shine to non-cook Jack and I hear they are betting on him winning.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Jack’s showstopping Battenburg cake

Chip Shop World Championships Tonight

Posted on 10/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just a reminder that the final of 2014′s Chip Shop World Championships will be televised on the Playboy channel from 7.30 tonight. Good luck to our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah who face fierce competition from last years’ Bristol based winners, Chip Shape & Bristol Ration, and from Saudi Arabia’s Chip-Chim-A-Knee. I’m sure it will be a nail biting final, but Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah head chef Rick Stein says he’s going to pull a world first out of the fryer to clinch the title. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Rick Stein’s daughter Frankie displays some of her Dad’s fine fare outside the family chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah

Strictly Naturists Dancing

Posted on 09/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. In five weeks time your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are planning a coach trip to see Strictly Come Dancing. It is bound to be a splendid day out and will include a packed tea on the way there and cocktails on the return. There are plenty of seats left on the coach so come and join us, who knows we might even get to mingle with the stars if my close friend Wayne can get us backstage (he has a friend who does the wigs on Strictly). The trip is a splendid opportunity for the curious to try out naturism, especially as the coach and BBC studio promise to be well heated. If you’re interested please contact me in person (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) Local naturist Wayne practices his dance moves at the beach in readiness for watching Strictly being filmed

Berry Exciting Book Signing Today

Posted on 08/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Mary Berry will be signing copies of her new book, Straw Berry, from 5 today in our newly painted book shop cafe. The hefty tome is the latest instalment in her 31 volume autobiography and deals with her teenage years between the wars when she and her friends lived in a barn and solved mysteries. “My formative years were a lot like being in the Famous Five” her press release states “But without Timmy the dog and with me baking cakes to snare villains and murderers.” It’s sure to be an amazing page turner. Nita Glamorgan. Manageress. Iceystones Bookshop.

(Above) Mary Berry practices her signature in readiness for today’s book launch

Drink & Be Berry

Posted on 04/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I just wanted to say well done to my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo for getting through to the next round on The Great British Bake Off. “Befriending” Mary Berry and her son Paul Hollytree in the bar between bakes has certainly paid off. Clumsy alcoholic Jack can’t cook for toffee but he’s the life and soul of a party, especially when it’s the BBC that’s paying for it.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Paul awaits his BFF Jack in the Bake-Off bar

Annual Strike Ends

Posted on 04/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just to let you know that the annual strike by the council’s IT department has just ended. The strikers took a little longer than usual to return to work due to the wet weather ruining their time off. Sadly our hopes that our young town hall intern would be able to update the Beckworth blog were misplaced as it turned out the poor sod had no idea about computers and wants to join our parks department. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Bake Off Up In Smoke

Fresh Fudge Appeal

Elvis And Bruce Playing Tonight

Chip Shop Failure

The Great British Fake Off

Chip Shop World Championships Tonight

Strictly Naturists Dancing

Berry Exciting Book Signing Today

Drink & Be Berry

Annual Strike Ends

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